When Your Husband is Depressed: Understanding Depression In Men

We all walk into marriage hoping and praying for the best. When we make our vows at the altar, we pledge our love and loyalty to the man we have chosen to spend the rest of our lives with. When we talk about standing with our partner in sickness and in health during our vows, most of us use physical sickness as a reference, but we rarely think of mental health issues like depression as being in that category.

Depression, like many other mental health illnesses, is a debilitating condition that can have detrimental effects on a marriage. It can be heartbreaking to see the man you love become a shell of his former self. It takes great courage and strength to show love to a man suffering from depression.

As much as it is a diagnosis for one person, when a man in a marriage suffers from depression, it unfortunately affects all aspects of their being, including their marriage. It is important to note from the start that depression in men can be caused by a myriad of reasons. It will be prudent not to take the diagnosis personally, nor as an indication of your husband’s weakness.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are a husband struggling with depression or a spouse whose husband struggles with depression, you are not alone. Men struggle with depression, too. Understandably, it can be lonely, disorienting, and sometimes deeply frustrating, but there is help.

Understanding Depression in Men

Depression in men can sometimes be missed because people are usually looking out for symptoms that are based on women’s experience of depression. Considered mainly a woman’s problem, depression in men usually goes undiagnosed and unnoticed. It is important to mention that the physiological make-up of men and women is different; hence, symptoms will be different too.

Part of loving a spouse with depression is getting educated about their condition so you can be informed on how to help. Whether due to brain chemistry, genetics, hormones, or differing life experiences, when seeking to understand depression in men, we should look out for different symptoms.

Some symptoms are similar to the experiences of women, and these are as follows:

• Loss of interest in activities one once enjoyed
• Change in sleeping habits, either sleeping too much or too little
• Fatigue
• Feelings of helplessness and feeling like life has no meaning
• Unrelenting sadness, for more than a couple weeks
• Withdrawing from relationships
• Low self-esteem and feeling like a failure
• No concern for hygiene or any form of self-care
• Physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches, and muscle tension

Other symptoms are more common in men:

• Controlling, violent, abrasive, and abusive behavior
• Irritability and short temper
• Engaging in reckless and dangerous behaviors
• Increased use of substances, drugs, and alcohol intake
• Suicidal ideation
• Suicide

How Depression Affects Marriages

Mental and emotional turmoil Living with untreated depression has tremendous mental and emotional effects. For the man struggling, trying to come to grips with why their behavior and emotions have changed can be disorienting. They no longer have the mental and emotional capacity to show up for their spouse. This can lead the spouse to feel rejected. This will put a strain on the relationship.

Seeing someone you love struggling with depression will take its toll. For the spouse of a husband struggling with depression, being the primary caregiver can be draining. They are the ones closest to feel the brunt of the changed behavior, and sometimes this behavior is downright abusive. The marriage is no longer a place of love and safety. They are also at risk of struggling with codependency as a result, leading the marriage to an unhealthy relationship dynamic.

Substance Abuse Some men, in trying to cope with the symptoms of depression, will turn to substances. This brings other problems, including the worsening of symptoms. Though substances and alcohol can give momentary relief, they do not treat the root cause, which is depression. Substance abuse and alcohol in men have been noted to increase the likelihood of intimate partner violence.

Violence and Abuse Whether as a symptom of depression or a result of substance abuse, violence and abuse will have long-lasting negative effects on a marriage. The man struggling with depression not only becomes a danger to others but also to themselves. The controlling nature that usually follows abusive relationships is bound to make the spouse feel fearful and unloved. If this is not rectified, it could lead to divorce.

At this point, it is important to note that depression or any mental health issue a husband has is no excuse for abusive and controlling behavior. A wife should seek the necessary help.

Rejection and Shame For the wife whose husband is struggling with depression, the rejection can feel personal. He will no longer find enjoyment in the things he used to, including time with his wife. This can be painful. The struggling husband might feel his wife withdrawing from him as he has changed so drastically, and he, too, can struggle with rejection and shame.

Low Self-Esteem Both spouses can struggle with low self-esteem when a husband is battling depression. For men, to this day, mental health issues are stigmatized and seen as a sign of weakness. A condition that can rarely disappear on its own without proper treatment, they can start to feel “less than.”

Depression disrupts their being and sometimes their ability to make a living. For those who turn to substances and alcohol to cope, they sometimes live under the veil of shame for their behavior and hence struggle to hold their head up high in certain situations.

The wife of a husband struggling with depression will often struggle with low self-esteem stemming from the constant rejection. For those who suffer violence and abuse from their husbands, this controlling and hurtful behavior can leave them feeling worthless and unlovable.

Risk of Infidelity When a husband is battling with depression, there is a risk of infidelity from both spouses. For the wife who feels unloved and neglected, seeking love and attention elsewhere might seem to be the answer. For the husband with depression, the temptation might be to look outside the marriage to try and revive any excitement and joy for living.

Infidelity can also be a coping mechanism as both spouses choose to avoid the real issue in their marriage, which is depression, and seek relief elsewhere, “kicking the can down the road,” as they say.

How To Support A Depressed Spouse

Education If your husband is struggling with depression, or after reading this article, you suspect that he is, the best defense is education. If your husband is willing to go for therapy, you should too.

This way, you can ask relevant questions about the situation your husband is in, so you know how to better assist and help. Being educated about your spouse’s condition will give both of you the tools to deal with and live healthy lives with knowledge and understanding.

Empathy and Understanding When we struggle with something, having people who see us and understand our struggles can be half the battle. With education comes the ability to empathize with your spouse for what they are going through.

Empathy will lead to loving them through the hard days and providing support when they need it, and when you are able. Understanding will also help you, as a spouse, not to take any of the behavior personally. If both are committed, depression is a treatable condition, and with love and support, many have healed their relationships.

Boundaries Know your limits. It is important to note that, as much as you love your spouse, you, too, have limits. You do not become their therapist. You, as a spouse, are there to love and support them to the best of your abilities.

Seek help and support from mental health professionals, family, friends, and your community if needed. Knowing your boundaries also means knowing when to leave if the situation becomes dangerous for you or him.

Self-Care To take care of others, you first have to take care of yourself. Ensure your needs are met as you stand in the gap for your husband. Take care of your physical and mental health. Pursue the things that build you up and give you joy.

As you help your husband in his journey, your life should not be on hold. When you take care of yourself, you are better able to be there for him without resentment and anger.

Reach Out For Support

If this article resonated with you as a husband or a wife and you need further assistance, reach out to our offices. The therapists in our network can offer individual or couples counseling. Depression can be treated, and personalized treatment plans can help you and your family as a whole. You do not have to do this alone.