Why Does Infidelity in Marriage Happen?

There is likely no relationship that affects you as deeply as the relationship between you and your spouse. A spouse is the person that you chose to commit yourself to for the remainder of your life.

When you go through hardship, celebrate your joys, in feast or famine, they are the person you’re most intimately connected with. They know your body, they ache when you ache, and exult when you do; they see you at your lowest and in your moments of triumph; they share space with you, fight with you, make up with you, raise children with you, etc.

This intimate, lifelong relationship is by no means easy to describe or capture in words. Every marriage has its own story, its joys, and sorrows, its obstacles and resources for overcoming those challenges. One of the more difficult challenges to any marriage is infidelity.

What is infidelity?

At its most basic level, infidelity is a breach of trust between spouses. It can take place in different ways, but more specifically, it’s when the sacred space that marriage creates is breached by including a third party in what belongs exclusively to the spouses. This breaks the covenant between the spouses that certain things are only for each other, and no one else is meant to share in them.

Infidelity usually means sexual activity outside the marriage. This can happen in person, or through technology such as sexting, social media, or pornography. However, some also include emotional infidelity, where another person occupies the emotional space that rightfully belongs only to one’s spouse.

This may include reciprocated or unreciprocated constant thoughts about the other person, confiding in the other person, and so on. While this is clearly dangerous and sinful behavior that may eventually lead to physical infidelity, it should not be treated the same as physical infidelity in biblical terms.

Who is affected by infidelity in marriage?

Infidelity can occur at any point during the marriage, whether in the honeymoon phase or at the point where the couple is ready to part ways. Regardless of age, geography, ethnicity, social or economic class, or culture, infidelity is a reality that can affect any marriage. According to some studies, upwards of 40% of all marriages are affected by infidelity, and it is one of the main causes of divorce.

This reality about the pervasiveness of infidelity is not a cause for either panicking or trying to ferret out infidelity where there’s none to be found. Rather, sober awareness that no marriage is immune to infidelity should serve as an impetus to couples being intentional about their relationship, especially their communication and sense of connection.

That being said, there are certain points within a marriage when infidelity in marriage most often occurs, such as when the couple is emotionally distant or if they live apart from one another. Sexual frustration or a sense of stagnation and boredom in the relationship can also make the marriage vulnerable to infidelity.

Infidelity can be a shock to the system for a marriage. Some marriages break down irreparably after an affair, while other couples emerge stronger from the experience. The experience of infidelity brings a couple to a renewed awareness and urgency about each other’s needs.

Why infidelity in marriage happens

Infidelity in marriage can occur for any number of reasons. In each case, the spouses need to explore what happened that led to infidelity, and that can involve simple and complex factors.

Knowing why a spouse cheated may not make the pain go away, but it can help you understand the situation better and know how to proceed in the situation. Some issues can be worked on so that the couple develops a deeper understanding of each other.

Infidelity can happen for one or several of these reasons:

The opportunity arises

A person may be otherwise satisfied in their relationship, but they succumb to sexual desire for someone else when an opportunity avails itself. The infidelity was not premeditated or sought after, but it can occur in a situation such as when too much alcohol is imbibed or late one night at work when feeling tired.

In addition to a general lack of self-control (which is a fruit of the Spirit), addiction and substance abuse can make one more vulnerable to infidelity as inhibitions are lowered when one is under the influence.

They aren’t happy in the marriage. A person may find their marriage unsatisfactory, or they may fall in love with someone else. They develop an emotional attachment to someone other than their spouse and seek emotional and sexual succor outside the marriage. This can happen after a prolonged period of conflict or isolation in the relationship that leads to an emotional disconnect between spouses.

Platonic friendships can turn into emotional affairs with deeper intimacy than should be permitted in the relationship. If the connection with one’s spouse isn’t maintained and issues addressed head-on, it can tempt one to sinfully seek intimacy elsewhere.

Sometimes, infidelity functions as a way to sabotage the relationship and “blow things up” to get out of the marriage, while at other times the affair is simply a lack of self-control that should force the couple to address other underlying issues.

The desire for self-exploration

People are complicated beings, and at certain points of their lives such as when a child is born, they change jobs, or reach a milestone, they may look at their lives and wonder about what might have been.

This can include past relationships and any “what-ifs” that linger over past loves. In such situations, it’s possible for someone to sinfully ruminate on such things to the point that they reach out to an ex over social media and connect over that very question. This can easily lead to either an emotional affair or one with a sexual component.

Seeking titillation

There’s no doubt that what is transgressive or forbidden has a certain attractiveness about it and excitement around it. This is the sinful human condition. The forbidden nature of extra-marital relationships can make them attractive, which can tempt a person to pursue them. An affair can seem like an alleviation of the boredom that spouses can feel in their relationship.

Need for approval

Some people have a deep need for approval, and it can lead them to act in ways that are contrary to their other feelings and commitments. That desire for approval can lead a person to have an affair out of the fear that resisting sexual advances will lead to rejection or a loss of that person’s attention.

This need for approval or the inability to remain in a committed relationship can stem from childhood issues of abandonment and neglect if these are not addressed adequately. Connected to this is the reality that exposure to parental infidelity as a child makes one more likely to have an affair. Additionally, body image issues can also contribute to infidelity, as one tries to prove to themselves that they’re still attractive.

Revenge

One spouse may choose to have an affair because the other spouse did it first. Having an affair can be one unhealthy way for the spouse who was cheated on to reclaim their sense of value.

Whatever the reason why infidelity occurs, it causes pain and breaks trust in the relationship. Seeking to understand why the affair happened is not a way to excuse it, but it’s an important first step to figuring out how to proceed as a couple.

Finding healing after an affair

Infidelity is like an earthquake that shakes everything that the couple thought was secure. Preventing infidelity requires developing the fruit of the Spirit and looking wisely and honestly at the current state of your relationship.

There may be some weaknesses in your relationship that need to be addressed, such as emotional and physical disconnection. These can be strengthened by connecting with your spouse.

If infidelity has already occurred in your marriage, it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship as long as there is genuine repentance on the part of the offending spouse. Among other things, it is a strong cue to look long and hard at your relationship and have an honest conversation.

For the offending spouse, genuinely repenting of their sinful actions before God is vital as a first step. Nothing can be accomplished without this step. For the offended spouse, offering forgiveness is the first step toward reconciliation.

Infidelity is a serious, soul-endangering sin, but it is also a symptom of the deeper issues of lack of self-control and personal holiness. A couple can get past the affair and rebuild their marriage, but that depends on the individual spouses. Where repentance is non-existent, rebuilding the marriage may not be either possible or desirable.

You should avoid making rash decisions after infidelity has come to light. Take time to heal and process what has happened and why. Navigating the complexities of an affair can be helped by the guidance of a marriage and family therapist.

They can create a safe space for both spouses so they can express themselves, avoid making assumptions, be accountable, and hear one another. Seek professional help in the wake of infidelity. Trust and emotional connection can be rebuilt in a marriage after infidelity, and the marriage can be stronger than ever.