Why Setting Boundaries in Relationships is Important

Do you have trouble setting boundaries in relationships? This may be a problem for you if people constantly take advantage of you and don’t listen to what you have to say. When you learn how to set boundaries in relationships, you will feel stronger and more confident, and the quality of your relationships can improve.

Why it Matters

Setting boundaries matters for your mental, emotional, physical, relational, and spiritual health. Poor boundaries cause you to suffer, but healthy boundaries can help you live the full life that God wants for you (John 10:10).

Setting boundaries in relationships is like building a fence around your property. A fence operates in two ways: to let people in and let people out. You are the manager of the gate of your life. If you leave the gate open all the time and don’t attend to it, people will overrun your boundaries. But if you have a strong and well-maintained set of boundaries, people will not step over them uninvited.

Aggressive people may even knock down your fence and barge onto your property, so you may need to construct an even stronger fence to ward them off. Most reasonable people will respond to a regular fence of boundaries, such as a picket fence. But aggressive people will not be stopped unless a stronger fence is in place.

When you don’t put up strong enough boundaries, you have chaos in your life. People will be coming and going on your property at will, and this is exhausting for you. They may even attack and destroy your property, which is even more unnerving. Therefore, you need to set healthy boundaries in your relationships so you can preserve your property and live in peace.

What Healthy Boundaries Look Like

We’ve been talking in metaphors up to this point. But let’s peek at what healthy boundaries look like in relationships through the following examples.

• You tell your coworkers you will no longer do their work for them.
• You resist your mother’s guilt trips and tell her that you will be spending Thanksgiving with your friends instead of coming to her house.
• You tell your spouse unless they help you do more chores around the house, you will have to take money out of the grocery budget to hire a cleaning person.
• You confront your mother-in-law about the way that she criticizes your parenting skills, asking her to keep her opinions to herself.
• You form a plan with your grown son, who is living in your basement for free. You set deadlines with him about getting a job and getting a place of his own.
• You politely yet firmly ask your neighbor to return the things that they borrowed from you but never gave back.

As you read these examples, you may feel a sense of anxiety thinking about how you might apply them to your situation. The good news is that a Christian counselor is equipped to help you role-play these situations before you set boundaries with people. You can gain confidence and strength by practicing with your counselor first, so you are better prepared to face the resistance and emotions you will receive when you begin to set boundaries in relationships.

What the Bible Says About Boundaries

It’s common for people to feel false guilt when they are learning to set boundaries. They may look at the portion of scripture when Jesus tells us to turn the other cheek and assume that setting boundaries is not what God wants. However, we need to look at the full range of scriptures to understand how God wants us to handle boundaries in relationships. let’s look at the following scriptures for greater insight.

And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.” – Genesis 2:16-17, NIV

God set a boundary with Adam and Eve before sin ever entered the world. This means that boundaries are good for us. God told them not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil because he knew it would not bless them to do so.

In fact, it would make their lives far more difficult than they ever imagined. God gives us boundaries to protect us and keep us from going the wrong way. We need to remember that boundaries are essential and God-given for the best possible life.

All you need to say is simply “Yes” or “No;” anything beyond this comes from the evil one. – Matthew 5:37, NIV

This is one of the clearest scriptures on the topic of boundaries. Jesus shows us that the words yes and no are boundaries in themselves. But if you think about it, it’s very common for us to say yes or no when we don’t mean them.

We can get hung up even on these two small words and create boundary problems for ourselves by not using them correctly. You can practice saying yes and no in appropriate and authentic ways to start building boundaries in your relationships.

If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. – Matthew 18:15, NIV

Here Jesus outlines the boundaries for conflict resolution. So many of us have gotten this one wrong because we go to everyone but the person who has offended us when we are hurt. But Jesus initiated this principle to contain the problem between the two original people so it would not spread to others unnecessarily.

As you work to set boundaries with others, it’s important to remember this principle to keep the conversation as straightforward as possible. A Christian counselor can also advise you on how to handle confrontations with others by speaking the truth in love.

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. – Galatians 1:10, NIV

Poor boundaries are often related to people-pleasing. We fear the disapproval of others, so we say yes when we mean no and don’t stand up for ourselves. Part of setting boundaries in relationships strengthening our relationship with God. When we realize that God’s opinion is the only one that matters, we will be free to set boundaries with other people to preserve and protect our relationships.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. – Galatians 5:1, NIV

When you have poor boundaries, it can feel like you are a slave to others’ expectations of you. Boundaries allow you to preserve your self-respect, and others will take notice of this. When you respect yourself, people will sense the strength in you, and they will be less likely to overrun your boundaries.

You don’t want to be burdened by a yoke of slavery to poor boundaries any longer. A Christian counselor can help set you free from this form of emotional slavery.

Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load. – Galatians 6:4-5, NIV

Setting boundaries in relationships is carrying the load that is assigned to you, often when you have poor boundaries, you are taking on other peoples’ loads. But when you set boundaries against unhealthy behaviors, you give the other people the chance to deal with their own problems. You also keep their problems off your property and invite greater peace into your life.

They Are Necessary

Boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships, but they can be difficult to set on your own. You will likely face resistance from others when you start putting boundaries in place. However, when you meet with a Christian counselor first, you can gain insight, perspective, and practical skills for setting the necessary boundaries in your relationships. Reach out to us today to receive the individual care you need for setting boundaries in relationships.