Introducing Step-parents: Family Counseling to Make the Transition Easier

Let’s be honest: integrating step-parents into a family can be hard. Even under the best of circumstances, stepping into a fractured family can still feel like walking on a minefield, even with family counseling.

Divorces can be painful and messy. Even if both sides wanted the separation and both parents are trying to be amicable and kind to each other, there is still emotion for the children. Their lives have changed. They have two houses now, or maybe they don’t see one of their parents that often.

They might not understand why it happened. In their mind, whatever they saw in their parents’ marriage is an easy fix. It is easy to place the emotion they cannot name or know what to do with on the new person who appears in their parent’s life.

Often, divorce is not amicable or kind. One person can seemingly pull the rug out from under the other. It can come after years of abuse. There can be an affair. Things can get heated and ugly in the process and the children are not shielded from its effects. In the end, all parties involved are wounded and there is no one there to help with the internal pain and questions.

Parents often feel it is best to shield their children from facts about divorce. This is wise. Children do not need to know everything. Some things happen between adults that need to stay between them. There are healthy ways to talk to a child, based on their age and experience, about what is going on.

Counseling during and post-divorce can save a family. It can enable the children to process what is going on. It gives the parents a safe and appropriate place to release their emotions such as fear, anger, dismay, betrayal, or relief.

Family members can process separately and together as the new normal becomes the status quo. The need for a counselor does not end just because the children are out of the house. Adult children can struggle with their parents’ divorce just like younger children.

Call us today if you and your family need someone to talk to during this season.

Introducing someone new

There are recommendations for the appropriate time to start dating again post-divorce. Some experts say a year, some say two. The dissolution of a marriage is a big deal, and based on the circumstances, the time needed to process and move on can vary. Your counselor can help you know when the time is right.

It can be hard for a child to see their parent dating again. Someone else becomes the light of their parent’s life. Their parent is happy again and it’s not with the other parent. If not done well, bringing in a new person can be traumatizing and do more harm. If not done well, it can set the step-parent up for failure.

Finding love after a divorce can be revitalizing. After a lot of pain and living with someone with whom things did not work out, finding someone things seem to click with can be a breath of fresh air. It is easy to lose our heads and want those closest to us to be as happy as we are. But if not done well, it can set up the new step-parent to be at odds with the children and always seen in an adversarial role.

Some of this lies with how the step-parent is introduced to the family. If there is a lack of consideration for the children and how this is going to be perceived, things will go badly. If the step-parent is not respectful of the other parent and the situation, it can set things up to fail from the start.

A good counselor can help with this transition. A new step-parent can be scary for children, regardless of their age, especially if they feel like things are shifting with their parents.

You are in love. You are happy. You found someone you want to share forever with. You must bring your children along at their pace, or everyone will have more heartache and pain, and the transition will be harder than it has to be.

Parents can lean too much toward one side of wanting to avoid introducing anyone new to their kids. Or they can lean to the other side of expecting their kids to adjust to their dating and not considering their feelings. Counseling can help with the transition and help both sides understand what is going on.

Sometimes, kids side with one parent and make the transition harder than it has to be. They become adversarial, mean, make demands, and don’t care about this new person. That is their choice. A good counselor can be a safe place for them to process things.

While it might come to the point of a child just having to accept that their parent has moved on, behind these veiled attempts to drag their feet is often fear, unresolved hurt, misspaced anger, and simple childishness that a counselor can help address.

Family counseling after the death of a parent

The death of a parent can be equally painful. Based on the circumstances and the healing work that has been done in the family, children may or may not be ready for someone else to the be light of their parent’s life. It might be extra hard on them to see someone new slipping into roles and places their deceased parent held.

Counseling can help with the death of a parent. The parent left behind might not know what to say, so says nothing. A neutral voice in the process can help all sides heal and be ready for a new person in their parent’s life.

Grief is complicated enough. Processing grief with children can be even more challenging. If a child has not worked through the emotions associated with a parent dying, a step-parent can be seen as a betrayal to the parent who has died. Again, this is not dependent on age. Grown children can struggle just like younger children do.

There is no timetable for grief. Time does not heal all wounds. Based on the circumstances of the passing, children might have a lot to process. While finding new love might help the surviving parent process their emotions, children can feel left behind.

There is not one formula for integrating a step-parent into the family. People are varied, and situations differ. No two experiences or situations are the same. There are tips for grief, and suggested waiting times, but at the end of the day, no two situations are the same. Counseling can help with the dozens of questions and emotions and uncertainty around the death of a parent.

Family counseling for the challenges of being a step-parent

Being a step-parent is hard. You are not the biological parent. Based on the age of the children when you come in, you had little or no influence on the children before their teenage years. You are entering into a situation where things have shifted, routines are different, and a family is fractured. Even if the parents are doing their best to keep traditions alive, it’s different now.

It can be helpful to see a counselor as you make the transition into this new family. Questions arise, there can be tension with the other parent, and hard times with the children. Unexpected emotions come out of trying to love this person and their children too.

Missed holidays and delayed birthdays can hurt. The attitude of the other parent can leave you scratching your head. It’s easy to feel like you don’t measure up. You might feel anger toward the other parent, question the choices of your partner toward them, and be unsure how to deal with the children. All of this is normal and okay.

Family counseling

A counselor can help. Even if you came into the best of situations, where the family has been in counseling and done the work of processing the divorce or death, your life has shifted, and sometimes you need a safe neutral space to question and profess.

Whether you’re facing a divorce, the death of a partner, or getting ready to marry into a ready-made family, call us. These transitions affect everyone and we are here to help.