Emotional Infidelity Explained: 9 Signs to Watch For

For those in long-term committed relationships or those that are married, the advice for many years has been to keep away from having friends of the opposite sex. This advice comes with its controversies but at the heart of it, the aim is to try and protect relationships from emotional infidelity.

Emotional infidelity, unlike sexual infidelity, is not often talked about as people sometimes feel that it is not that bad or that it doesn’t exist. Emotional infidelity is a deep emotional connection that someone develops with another person of the opposite sex who is not their romantic partner. At times, this bond can be deeper than one with your partner.

Typically, emotional infidelity, or emotional affairs as they are sometimes called, do not involve physical intimacy. While this is true, emotional infidelity still involves a breach of trust as it is shrouded in secrecy.

In an emotional affair, the new person becomes the one a spouse turns to for deep emotional conversations, sharing their future aspirations, hopes, dreams, fears, and vulnerabilities. It is no wonder why the relationship easily turns into a physical affair because all of these are parts of oneself they are supposed to share with their romantic partner or spouse.

How to spot emotional infidelity

For those that are already involved in an emotional affair, it can be hard to spot at first as many of these do not start with the intention of becoming affairs. Many people start as good friends or great work colleagues. It’s only when certain boundaries are crossed that the intimacy levels intensify.

When this other person seems to have more power and allure than your spouse, it is a problem. If you suspect that you might be involved in an emotional affair, below are some common behaviors that can help you evaluate your relationships:

Secrecy. There starts to be more secrecy around your interactions with this one person. You start leaving them out of conversations when you talk to your spouse. The secrecy extends to your protective nature around your devices, like your phone, laptop, or tablet. When you take a call from them, you no longer have that conversation in front of your partner but prefer to go out.

Defensiveness. Defensiveness around the relationship you have with this person can be a huge indicator. The fact that the relationship makes your partner uncomfortable is met with angry accusatory outbursts. You do not stop to even hear your partner’s point of view or why they are feeling uncomfortable.

This defensiveness extends when you are confronted by certain behavior changes that are suspicious. You deflect and become evasive in your responses, in certain situations even blaming your partner for being jealous and insecure.

Anticipation. You have a sense of anticipation each time you know the person is going to call or you are going to be seeing them. In preparation for your meeting, you make sure to look your best or sound your best if you are speaking on the phone.

Decreased emotional intimacy. When you find that you are no longer connecting with your spouse emotionally, and those emotions are being invested elsewhere, it means the line has been crossed. When you start showing no interest in investing in your spouse’s emotional well-being neither are you seeking for them to fulfill yours, it might mean you have already replaced them emotionally.

Frequency of communication. When you find yourself in constant communication, it can be considered dangerous. Any relationship’s intimacy and closeness are aided by frequency and depth of communication. When you find that this person is the first you want to call when something good happens, or when you are not doing too well, it is time to re-evaluate.

Crossing of personal boundaries. People can form and maintain friendships with people of the opposite sex without anything happening. However, the distinction comes when one starts breaking personal boundaries, or boundaries you had with your partner.

These boundaries could be things you discuss or the way you talk. For example, if there are sexual innuendos in your communications, that’s an obvious boundary that has been crossed.

Sexual attraction. When you find that you are sexually attracted to your friend, whether communicated or not, it can be considered emotional infidelity. As much as you feel that they get you and understand you, the fact that you find them sexually attractive poses a threat to your committed relationship.

Unfair comparisons. A definite indicator of an emotional affair is when you start comparing your partner and your friend. In this comparison, you find that your committed partner will seem to fall short and your friend comes out as more desirable.

Prioritizing the other person. When you find yourself dropping everything to be with this person or to respond to their messages, this clearly shows that a boundary has been crossed and it’s time to be honest about your feelings and what this is. Some people will go to the extent of lying to their spouses about extended hours at the office so they can get a chance to spend with this person.

It is important to note that this is not an exhaustive list, and any of these in isolation do not o their indicate emotional infidelity. They however should provide you with a moment to pause and re-evaluate. When your spouse raises any of these, it would be prudent to validate their feelings by asking investigative questions so you can be enlightened to something you may not otherwise see.

Why does emotional infidelity hurt so much?

Emotional infidelity hurts so much because betrayal of any kind runs deep. It should never be taken lightly. The effects it has on those that have been betrayed should not be downplayed. It can hurt just as much as sexual infidelity. In certain situations, others feel it’s worse because you may have fallen in love with someone else and that is a much more painful blow.

Emotional infidelity also hurts because the betrayed spouse must deal with issues of broken trust, shame, guilt, grief, trauma, hurt, and anger. All of these can be hard feelings to deal with, and sometimes can even cause couples to separate or divorce. Dealing with the fact of being deceived and lied to can be too much to handle, especially if your spouse is unrepentant, unremorseful, and blames you.

The unfairness of infidelity of any kind is that one person has the affair but two people now must pick the pieces together and this can be a very difficult process for couples.

Effects of emotional infidelity

Most people would like to believe that emotional infidelity does not cause much harm. The evidence points to a different reality. Though couples might not separate or divorce after an emotional affair has been discovered, they have a lot of work ahead of them to rebuild what has been shattered. Below are some ways in which emotional infidelity can cause harm:

• Divorce or break-up.
• Loss of trust in oneself and the world.
• Trauma, guilt, shame, and grief.
• Feelings of insecurity and jealousy.
• Decreased intimacy, communication, and closeness.
• Difficulty in forming future relationships.
• Loss of self-confidence.

When to seek help

Emotional infidelity can be devastating to families. It’s not only the couple involved that suffers, but the effects can also be felt even by children and close family members. If you and your family might be going through the process of trying to recover from the effects of an emotional affair and need help, please reach out to our offices.

We have trained Counsellors who will help you and your family through this trying time. Even if your spouse is not ready to come to counseling, we can work with you individually to help you deal with your situation and get some perspective. Call our office to learn more.