Overcoming Insecurities in a Relationship

When you love someone and are in a relationship with them, you are in a vulnerable position. That relationship may be romantic or platonic, but as one Christian author once wrote, “To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.” Love is risky because there is the possibility of rejection and of being hurt by the person you love. However, when love blooms in full, there is nothing quite like it in all creation.

Since loving someone is a vulnerable and risky endeavor, is the alternative of choosing not to love others a viable alternative? As Jesus put it, at the very heart of the universe is love, and everything that the Bible says can be summed up in two basic, but expansive commands:

‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments – Matthew 22:37-40, NIV

Love is what life is all about, and it is in our relationships with others that we display love in all its facets. Shrinking away from love is shrinking away from life. As the Christian author quoted above (it happens to be C.S. Lewis, by the way) goes on to say,

If you want to make sure of keeping it [your heart] intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable. – C.S. Lewis

All this matters when it comes to addressing and overcoming insecurities in a relationship. These insecurities may stem from a variety of sources, and they will require several different interventions to begin overcoming them. However, at the heart of them all lies the willingness to take a risk. This is best done from a posture of security, lest it distort one’s expressions of love.

What are insecurities in relationships?

When something or someone is insecure, it refers to a situation of deep uncertainty where one’s position seems or feels tenuous. It is like standing on shaky ground and trying to build something delicate when all the while things around you are slipping and sliding for lack of a solid place to stand on.

Being insecure in a relationship could be about lacking confidence in yourself as you navigate that relationship, or it can be an uncertainty or fear about the relationship itself.

Some insecurities in a relationship are about a person not feeling like they are good enough to be in a relationship with another person. A low sense of self-worth, the erroneous conviction that you do not deserve love, or doubting your capacity for handling a meaningful relationship can all contribute to feelings of insecurity in a relationship.

In other circumstances, those feelings of insecurity may be fomented by the actions of the other person. For instance, if the other person makes threats about leaving the relationship, that can make one uncertain about the future of it.

Also, actions such as infidelity or another serious breach of trust can generate feelings that the relationship is under significant threat and may not survive the onslaught. Gaslighting can also make one begin doubting their perceptions of reality.

The Various Sources of Insecurities in a Relationship

When two people get together, they bring two worlds together, two ways of seeing things and of being in the world. One way of looking at how and why this is the case would be to understand the Bible’s way of seeing relationships and human interactions. One of the ideas from the early pages of the Bible is that human rebellion against God led to deception and discord entering our relationships.

As the book of Genesis puts it, the first man and woman were “both naked, and they felt no shame” (Genesis 2:25, NIV). When people let God determine what was good and evil, and they lived under His definition, it allowed for trust and vulnerability to flourish because they were holding to the same values and ideals.

What is known as the Fall (Genesis 3) is that humanity decided that they would define good and evil for themselves, and therefore rejected God’s definition of those things.

One consequence of each one of us defining what is good and evil for ourselves is that we will define those things in diverse ways. We each possess known and unknown intentions that might be to the detriment of others.

That is why as soon as Adam and his wife take that step of defining good and evil for themselves, they immediately hide from each other, covering their nakedness and feeling shame (Genesis 3:7). They cannot trust that each other’s definition of good and evil will not be harmful, so they try to protect themselves from each other.

Not only that, but they also tried to hide from God (Genesis 3:8), likely because of the sense of guilt and shame at their actions. The reality is that our souls are unsettled; we don’t always see things accurately, or regard ourselves as we should, sometimes due to trauma or abandonment. We can assume bad intentions where there are none or assume we are unlovable or unloved when the reality is far from that.

All this is incredibly meta and philosophical, but hopefully, it shows that the roots of insecurity are deep, and our insecurities are rooted in physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual realities and experiences. To overcome insecurities, these various dimensions need to be addressed.

Some of the other experiential sources of insecurities in a relationship may stem from certain experiences one has. You may have doubts about the relationship due to the circumstances surrounding its beginnings.

For instance, one may be insecure about their current relationship because it began through infidelity against their previous partners. Or there may be feelings of insecurity because of abuse, neglect, and abandonment, or due to betrayals of trust. Or it may be rooted in a change of appearance which generates feelings of being unattractive.

Taking Steps to Overcome Insecurities in Relationships

As insecurities in relationships can stem from a variety of sources, it is important to understand the source of your insecurity. One way to try to identify the root of an insecurity is to ask when it began to make its presence felt.

Some insecurities are rooted in past events and relationships, and they have little to do with one’s current circumstances. Other insecurities have a definitive starting point in a comment a partner makes, a text or conversation that is uncovered, or an affair that makes one begin questioning the relationship’s future.

Identifying the source of one’s insecurity is a key step. It also matters to be able to communicate and talk about what you are feeling with the other person. Sometimes, insecurity is rooted in a misunderstanding, and talking about it can help clear things up. An open and honest conversation about one’s insecurities helps to put them into perspective, and it allows your partner to come alongside you in support or to begin working on strengthening the relationship.

Another component to addressing and overcoming insecurities in a relationship is to talk with a professional, such as a counselor. Your counselor can help you understand the root of your insecurities, for instance, if there are issues of childhood abandonment that fuel an insecure attachment style in your relationships. They can walk with you toward a deeper awareness of how those insecurities can affect your relationships negatively.

Additionally, your counselor can help you develop the tools you need to become better at communicating your needs, setting and maintaining your boundaries, and being better able to handle negative self-talk that can undermine your sense of worth and value.

A Christian counselor can help ground your sense of self in who God is and how God loves you. Instead of struggling with insecurities, you can reach out and speak with a counselor who can help you overcome them and live with deep confidence in who you are.