How To Build Trust in a Relationship: Tips from a Counselor in Keller, Texas

Anybody who says “relationships should not be hard” is inexperienced at having true and meaningful relationships. While relationships can be hard, they have many impressive benefits. Having people in your life that you can lean on and count on is a super underrated blessing that people tend to take for granted. Usually being taken for granted results in trust issues.

However, at times people bring their unchecked trust issues into new or pre-existing relationships. Furthermore, earning trust is related to the personal principles of the individual. Some people believe that trust is to be earned not given, while others believe trust to be automatically given until a person gives them a reason not to trust them.

There are good and bad in both ways of thinking, so my best advice is to use your discernment in each situation since every relationship is different. Additionally, building trust in relationships can be a perplexing task. This article will discuss ways you can begin to earn trust in distinct types of relationships and how relationship counseling can benefit each variation of relationships.

The Relationship with Yourself

Before we can begin to discuss trust with others, we first must talk about the most important relationship, your relationship with yourself. Do you trust yourself? How can you talk about trusting others or vice versa if you do not believe that you are trustworthy? How do you know?

I believe the best way to determine your trust level is to reflect on how you view yourself. Where are you when it comes to your self-esteem or your self-worth? First, knowing the difference between the two is essential.

Self-esteem is typically based on how you view yourself based on external factors. An example of external factors for self-esteem involves how others view you. This can include friends, family, co-workers, and even the media. Whereas self-worth is determined by internal factors. An example of internal factors for self-worth includes how you embrace yourself, flaws, and all.

It is easy to look at your flaws and begin to doubt yourself because you do not possess a desirable characteristic, but to accept that and embrace it can sometimes feel impossible. These self-doubts are usually deeply rooted in past experiences, often traumatic.

For example, a child raised by a parent who constantly says they are a bad child may have some internal self-doubt about whether they are good enough for others. It can be hard to pinpoint where a lack of self-worth may originate, you may not even realize it. Often help from a professional therapist, like me, can assist you in working through these delicate intricacies.

How are your relationships with your friends?

How many times have you heard, you become who you hang with? This is why choosing friendships that are beneficial for your well-being is important. If you have friends who are dishonest to you, it will contribute to those internal and external factors we mentioned above consequently resulting in more trust issues.

Being around a group of people who are constantly emptying your cup and failing to contribute to refilling it is unhealthy and will create patterns of unhealthy choices. It can create a domino effect of consequences if you are not careful. The good news is that if you and your friend(s) are willing, relationship counseling is also available to create more positive bonds.

Often when it comes to friends, people can be dismissive and jump to “just stop hanging with them.” I do not agree with this if you have not tried to work on it. Every relationship needs work, not just intimate ones. If relationship counseling and other attempts are not working, then it can be an innovative idea to agree to part ways.

Familial relationships can be tough

How do you generalize family dynamics? Many systemic factors contribute to the family dynamic! Let’s begin at the head of the family, the parents. The easiest way I have learned to understand parents is to understand how they were parented. Learning your parents’ history can bring a lot into perspective as to why they parent you the way they do.

As a parent, you will typically carry on generational habits some knowingly and unknowingly. Give your parents that same grace. As your therapist, my goal in our family session with your parents would be to understand what is causing the trust issue presently by exploring some past events that will involve multi-generational approaches.

This will consequently lead to a consideration of sibling relationships (if you have any). As siblings, you have a unique relationship because you experience life’s challenges together. Not only do you share DNA, but you share experiences with them because they were also raised by your parents.

Trust in sibling relationships is based on how they establish them, age ranges, and even how they view the family system. If your little brother looks at you as the perfect golden child whose shoes he must fill, he can develop resentment toward you or admiration for you, depending on the work put in before. Foundational principles that your parents imprinted would play a significant role here.

Significant Other Relationships

The last relationship I want to focus on is that of significant others. I saw a post on social media that stuck with me, “Your spouse or significant other are so special because they are the only people in your life that actually choose to love you and do not have some pre-obligation to love you because you are their sibling, parent, cousin, aunt, uncle, or grandparent.” I focused on this relationship category last for two reasons.

First, these relationships suffer the most from trust issues that are typically caused by the relationships above (assuming they have not contributed to it themselves). Second, significant others are our companions that we will choose to love and spend the rest of our lives with.

Significant others are one of the most important relationships because it is with them that you build your new family. Wise words that my late uncle/ pastor instilled in me “The two will become one, not two halves will become a whole” – Apostle Tony C. Parker.

If we cannot trust our partner, we cannot build with them. Trust should always be a foundational value in any relationship. Nurturing the relationships above will not only help you holistically, but it will also create the foundation for how you love and trust your partner. If you do not trust your partner and you cannot figure out why, let us talk and explore what is contributing to this unbalanced dynamic.

Communication Patterns

Communication and trust go hand in hand. How are you communicating with your partner? Can they trust you enough to be vulnerable with them? Are they able to be completely and unapologetically themselves with you? Communication struggles, unbelievably, are massive causes of trust issues.

If you feel that you cannot be completely authentic with your partner, you will begin to hold back the truth from them. It can be for reasons such as being afraid to hurt them or upset them, fearing judgment, or being scared of the consequences associated with what you must communicate.

Regardless, it results in a withholding of communication in which when the full truth is revealed, your partner feels mishandled, mistreated, and lied to, resulting in trust issues. Learning how to communicate with your partner is crucial to avoid creating these masses of trust struggles.

If communication is something you need support with, we can discuss it in our couple’s session or in individual sessions. Often a lack of communication stems from a deeper issue. Let’s explore together. How can we work together to build trust back into your life and relationships?