Counseling for Couples with Blended Families: Bringing the Team Together

What are blended families?

Did you know that 1300 new stepfamilies aka “blended families,” are forming every day (US Bureau of Census, 2023)? Blended families take on many forms, each situation is unique and usually complex. Some common types of blended families include, but are not limited to the following.

Divorced families where the children live with one parent and visit with the other

There are plenty of dynamics that can happen here. The healthiness of the parents’ relationship will play a critical factor in how they shape their children’s perspectives on relationships.

Remarried or recoupled parents

Children in these dynamics are adjusting to not only divorce or separation but also seeing their parents in other relationships. This can be a hard pill to swallow for children at times depending on how they view their parents’ separation and the terms of the separation.

Additionally, they have to adjust to the parenting style of the “step-parent” and deal with whatever generational trauma that person has (because we all have it). The parents will also face a lot of changes. One of the biggest is the balance between their relationships as a partner and as a parent.

They will have to adjust to changes such as their partner’s way of parenting their child. If the child’s father/mother is involved, they will have the challenge of adapting to co-parenting and creating a safe space for all the adults involved to communicate. The age of the children will also contribute to these changes.

Single parents who are either dating or alone

Though it may be possible for one person to carry the load, single parents carry a lot of responsibility not meant for one person to bear alone. This is why it takes two people to have a child. If it was intended for a person to do it alone, there would be no need for two people to procreate. I admire single parents for all the obstacles they have to overcome alone.

There are constant adjustments for any parent and especially for single parents. While trying to parent, they are also trying to balance their love lives and often putting themselves on the back burner which causes them to not be emotionally available for their possible partners.

Additionally, the child either watches their parent in their loneliness (and as they get older they understand more and more how unfair that is), or they have to adjust to them dating and being with people that are not particularly good for the family dynamic. Single parents continuously worry about how their new partner will fit in with their child(ren), while the child also worries about whether this is a safe or unsafe person.

Minority group couples with children from a prior relationship (ex: mixed race families, LGBTQIA+ families)

The scrutiny that these populations face is enough to be overwhelming, without adding in the adjustments that each person involved will be facing individually and collectively. They face all the things that the nuclear/traditional family and blended families face but with a multitude of added barriers.

Foster or adopted children

Imagine being a minority race (person of color) adopted child in a predominantly Caucasian family. As you attempt to adjust to your new family you constantly inadvertently lose a sense of your own culture. You have already lost your biological family.

You are getting those occasional stares or looks in public when you are calling your Caucasian mom and dad “mommy and daddy,” while the entire family is adjusting to this as well. This is just one example of many as there are numerous variations of blended families.

Kinship families (whether by choice or by law)

You may be wondering, how are kinship families considered a blended family if they are related? A traditional family is deemed a biological mom (designated woman at birth) and biological dad (designated man at birth) and their biological children. When an aunt, grandmother, uncle, cousin, sibling, teacher, close family friend, etc. take on a parental role to their kin, they enter the world of blended families.

Though there may be a relation by blood, they still are not the original or birth parents. A simplified example of this is when you have a cluster of bananas, you refer to them as bananas. However, when you take that banana from that stem and mix it in a blender with other fruits, you now have a different dynamic.

Though it originates from the stem of other bananas, it has now been taken away from that and has to blend with other fruits. It does not make it any less of a fruit or any less of a banana, however, it did change due to being taken from its cluster, its stem, and its origin. It is the same concept with kinship families, nobody can replace or change the original or birth family.

Children of families created from a disruption in their family such as addiction and/or abuse

Addictions and Abuse are traumas that create a plethora of issues that can be problematic for everyone involved if not handled properly. It’s an overflow of issues that continue to flood the family until proper treatment is sought out for the situation.

Children with a deceased parent and reside with the living parent

Dealing with grief is a lifelong battle. The hurt of losing a loved one is an adjustment in itself. However, life does not stop, and these hurting hearts eventually find a way to heal (hopefully) but there is usually a change in the individual. Though the living parent is ready to get back into the dating world, the child may not be ready to see that. This is just one example of an adjustment but there are so many dynamics that weave into a grieving family.

There are plenty more variations on blended families but one thing they all have in common is that they are not planned. Mentally stable parents are not purposely trying to be in situations where their child has to grow up in a broken home. The children surely do not want to be separated from their parents unless they are put in unhealthy situations (i.e. children who have been abused by a parent or witnessed domestic violence with their parents).

One of the saddest components is the limited resources and lack of support blended families receive. Blended families are all too common in our American culture and still go unrecognized. This article encompasses the expectations you should expect from me as your therapist who will be providing counsel for your unique dynamics, your beautifully blended family.

We must also consider how to encourage each other to show love and to do good things. We should not stop gathering together with other believers, as some of you are doing. Instead, we must continue to encourage each other even more as we see the day of the Lord coming. – Hebrews 10:24

What to Expect From Me in Our Couples Sessions

As I stated in my last article, your relationship needs foundational principles. You cannot thrive without a healthy foundation which leads me to the question, what is the hierarchy of your family? How is your family structured? What works for your dynamics? If you are a traditional Christian family, the hierarchy may consist of:

• Christ
• Husband
• Wife
• Children

You must know that there is no right or wrong way to do it, as long as it works for your family. However, what I do like to keep my families mindful of is what my parents taught my brothers and me when we were young. At some point, your beautiful children grow up and become adults, leave the home, and start their own families, meaning that you and your partner will be the only ones left.

Consequently, if you are going to put your children before your marriage and make them the top priority, be careful not to put that expectation on them. They do not owe you anything and are not required to put you first when they find their own partner. On the other hand, it is equally important to not get so caught up in your partner that you neglect your children.

Like any relationship, it is imperative to have balance. While establishing and respecting your family boundaries, expect me to also challenge your thinking on why you are going to structure your family a certain way. We will explore your and your partner’s childhoods and worldviews to get a clear understanding of why you want this particular structure.

Exploring these things will help you find a healthy balance that works best for your family dynamic. Once we have our establishment as adults, we will begin to weave the children into the therapeutic process (if that is the direction needed for your dynamic).

Every family’s treatment plan is unique to them and as we create that you and your family will have goals to work toward that will ultimately lead to healthier family connections. Please, book a session with me so we can work on bringing the team together to carry healing, happiness, and understanding into your relationships.