13 Signs of Emotional Affairs and What to Do

What starts as an innocent friendship at work can lead to something that can destroy your marriage. It wasn’t something that was intended, yet it happened. Emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical affairs. They both break trust and create a pathway of destruction. There is a way to repair the damage.

To understand the effects, you should acknowledge the emotional affair signs that are most common. If you have questions about a friendship and think you may be involved in an emotional affair, examine the following emotional affair signs.

Common Signs of Emotional Affairs

Compare these signs and the friendship to see if there is a possibility of the relationship developing into an emotional affair.

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. – Proverbs 4:23, ESV

Extended or Frequent Contact

Spending a great deal of time with the person outside of normal friendship hours could be an alarm that signals there is an emotional affair. You have more communication messages with your friend compared to your spouse. They become the first person you talk to in the morning and the last you speak to at night.

Sharing Details and Important Events

When it comes to sharing some great news or even personal topics you find that you are reaching out to your friend before your spouse. Whether it is a problem or a celebratory event, the first person you want to share with is not your spouse. This could lead to feelings of discontent in your marriage.

Constantly Thinking About the Other Person

Emotional affairs can often be identified by the amount of time you spend thinking about the person. When you find that you are consumed with thoughts about them more often than thoughts about your spouse, it could indicate that the friendship is starting to develop into something deeper.

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. – Matthew 5:27-28, ESV

They Become Your Person of Comfort

Another common sign of an emotional affair is when you seek to be consoled by them instead of your spouse. When you are hurting or having an emotionally difficult time you want to be consoled by someone who cares for you. When your friend becomes this person in your life it could indicate an emotional affair.

Withdrawal From Your Spouse

Rather than spending the afternoon with your spouse you find yourself either alone or away from the house so you can talk to the other person. Communication has diminished. When you have lost interest in date nights and weekend getaways with your spouse it could indicate that you are emotionally tied to the other person.

Feeling Like the Other Person Truly Understands You

When talking to the other person it seems like you have a deep connection. You believe that this person truly knows you. You may also think that you have so much more in common with this person compared to your spouse. This is also considered one of the prevalent emotional affair signs.

Constant Comparison with Your Spouse

During an emotional affair, you will compare your spouse to the other person. This can make you start criticizing your spouse and even holding them to a higher standard than normal. Before long you may have designated your spouse to be the bad guy and the other person your hero.

The Relationship Begins to Have Romantic Feelings Attached

The most prevalent emotional affair signs are tied to feelings that are more commonly associated with a romantic relationship. You use flirty language and tend to have butterflies when the person is around. There may also be sexual tension when you find yourself alone with the other person.

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. – Hebrews 13:4, ESV

Boundaries Are Crossed

All marriages have healthy boundaries. These boundaries are needed so that the likelihood of affairs is acknowledged rather than entertained. When you entertain the thought of being with someone other than your spouse you are crossing a boundary. By continually messaging and even physically touching the other person you are crossing a boundary set during the wedding ceremony.

But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. – Ephesians 5:3, ESV

Dressing Up Just for Them

If you feel that you must dress up to be around the other person you are more than likely wanting to impress them. Wanting to look presentable is one thing but having a desire to look attractive to someone other than your spouse is edging on emotional cheating.

Giving Personal Gifts

It’s okay to give a friend a nice card or a small gift that isn’t personal. When you cross the line and start giving gifts that you would give a spouse you are exhibiting another one of the emotional affair signs.

Keeping Secrets

When the friendship crosses the boundary, and you begin to keep it secret from your spouse it is time to evaluate the ramifications that it will have on your marriage. Secret text messages and meetings are a big indication that you are showing emotional affair signs.

The Relationship Would Upset You

If you are thinking to yourself that you would be upset if your spouse had this type of relationship with a friend, then it could indicate that you are in a place that is inappropriate for friends.

What is the Impact?

When a spouse becomes entangled in an emotional affair it will affect more than just the marriage. It will disrupt the home dynamic in general. Trust between spouses will diminish as well as the trust between the offending parent and children. The home can become toxic if there is nothing done to remedy the problem. The main difference between physical and emotional affairs is that you can define the physical part more easily.

The hurt caused by the emotional affair matters just as much as the physical affair. The affair has caused a loss, and that sometimes leads to grieving the relationship. This is a process that takes time and is not the same for everyone. Children may have a harder time with emotional affairs simply because they may be too young to understand the boundaries that were broken.

What can I do about it?

Knowing what to do about an emotional affair is answered by your desire to keep your marriage. The above emotional affair signs are indicators that you are in a place where you are questioning your marriage. Examine the signs and decide whether there is an issue you need to speak with your spouse about. You may be at a place where you can take the necessary steps to keep the emotional affair from becoming something more.

The first thing you have to do is stop the dynamics of the friendship. There are ways you can approach this without and with your spouse.

Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. – 1 Corinthians 6:18, ESV

Stop the secrecy of the friendship The time has come when you must stop hiding the entire relationship and bring it into the open with your spouse. There should be no more hidden or deleted messaging or private meetings.

Go to your spouse with the truth Talk to your spouse about the relationship and your plans to change the dynamics of the friendship. If there is a possibility that you can maintain a friendly relationship, then begin to include your spouse in the conversations.

Create better boundaries You will have to sit down with your friend and your spouse and define the boundaries that will be acceptable going forward. Decide what will cause the line to become blurry so that it does not get crossed.

If all else fails, end the relationship If you feel it cannot return to a simple relationship between friends, then it could be time to remove yourself. If you’re concerned that you will not be able to maintain an emotional boundary then the friendship cannot continue.

Examine your marriage See if there is a reason you chose to entertain an emotional affair. Taking time to reflect on your marriage and your emotional commitment could help you understand why an emotional affair started. Talk with your spouse and see if you are communicating as you should.

Then what?

If you feel that marriage counseling would greatly benefit you and your spouse, feel free to contact a Christian counselor near you. A faith-based marriage counseling program can help you get on track. It can also bring healing to everyone in the family.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. – 1 Corinthians 13:7, ESV