What Does it Mean to Be Codependent? A Christian Counselor Explains

Who are you? How do you define yourself? Are you introspective, extroverted, self-aware, or a learner? Or do you tend to define yourself based on what you are to other people? We indeed live in tandem with other people. We play important roles in others’ lives, such as mother, father, sibling, best friend, teacher, boss, etc.

There is nothing wrong with having these roles and excelling at them; however, if you have come to a place where you are not able to see yourself apart from a particular relationship, you may be in danger of crossing the line from healthy relationship into codependence.

What is codependency?

Think for a moment about the movie The Devil Wears Prada. If you are not familiar with this movie, it is about a young journalist named Andy who lives in New York City and has landed a job at Runway magazine, the top fashion magazine in the world. Andy is not at all interested in fashion, but working for the editor and chief of Runway, Miranda, will allow you to get your foot in the door with about any other publication company in the city.

So, for Andy, this is the career opportunity of a lifetime. As she begins her job, Andy stands out for all the wrong reasons and clearly does not fit in. And working for Miranda is the kind of job where you must be all in. So, you see Andy adapt and change through a fashion makeover, becoming committed 24 hours a day to Miranda, attending Paris week, betraying a coworker, and failing at every other relationship in her life.

In the second half of the movie, you see Andy’s personal life fall apart. At one time, her boyfriend lets his frustrations toward the commitment that she has to her job be known. He tells her that the one whose calls she is always taking is the one that she is in a relationship with.

While this is just a movie, the relationship that is being depicted between Miranda and Andy paints a picture of an unhealthy, toxic relationship. As we learn more about codependency, this movie can be a good image to keep in mind.

A simple definition of codependency is when one person, the enabler, loses their sense of self and independence in a relationship for an intense need to attend to and meet the needs of the other person, the enabled.

It may seem that someone who is consistently seeking to prioritize the needs, wants, and emotions of someone else could be characterized as loyal, forgiving, thoughtful, and kind. But focusing on the needs of another to the detriment of oneself leads to the loss of the ability to express one’s own feelings, needs, and wants out of fear of upsetting the other partner in the dynamic.

This person in the codependent cycle is known as the giver or enabler. Their ability to make excuses for, overlook negative actions of, and forgive their partner often leads to enabling the partner to participate in destructive, abusive, and at times illegal behaviors while evading consequences.

The intense need for the enabler to meet the needs of their partner will lead to a dysfunctional cycle of seeking to control the dynamics and reactions of their partner and an unwillingness to draw boundaries. This will often lead to a decline in mental health, often resulting in anxiety and depression.

Common Traits of Codependency

There are some common traits of the enabled partner in the codependent relationship cycle. The presence of one or more of these traits does not, in and of itself, make someone a taker; however, there are some traits to look out for. The original definition of codependency would always include an addict.

The addict would be enabled to continue in their addiction by the enabler, who would overprotect, overexcuse, and even become an enabler of the addiction. We know now that addiction does not have to be present for codependence to exist. The takers are often characterized by being demanding, abusive, manipulative, passive-aggressive, and unlikely to take accountability for the destructive choices they make, even if they are caught.

This codependency cycle isn’t harmless, and rarely does one escape unharmed. These relationships often become dysfunctional, abusive, and addictive. Both parties in a codependency cycle will experience deteriorating mental health, a lack of personal growth, and a dependency on one another that can be difficult to break.

This dynamic will inevitably lead to a loss of independence and a weakened or absent sense of self for the giver and an elevated sense of self and entitlement for the taker. These factors combine to make it difficult to make independent decisions, being unable to draw and maintain boundaries, and controlling behavior that comes out of an anxious attachment.

There are some common warning signs that can be used to evaluate whether a relationship might be in a codependent dynamic. Here are five warning signs that someone might be the giver in a codependent relationship cycle.

• Consistently choosing to meet the needs of another while denying their own.
• Having an intense need for validation and approval from their partner.
• Having a willingness to accept faults and blame when innocent to avoid conflict in the relationship.
• Having an intense fear of rejection or falling short.
• Resorting to controlling behaviors to maintain the appearance of peace.

On the surface, it might seem that the codependent person is just being a great friend, supportive daughter, excellent employee, or attentive spouse. But these signs are just hitting the surface of the deeper consequences of being codependent with a partner. When codependence has been going on over a long period of time, it can lead to some dysfunctional emotional and lifestyle patterns. Below are some common consequences of codependency when it goes unaddressed.

• A lack of emotional regulation.
• Anxiety and depression.
• Low self-worth, deep insecurities, and negative core beliefs.
• Feeling of hopelessness or powerlessness.
• Failing or loss of other relationships, work, or even family life.
• Burnout.

Escaping a Codependent Relationship

So, how can one move out of a dysfunctional codependent relationship? Due to the intense nature and toxicity of codependent relationships, it is a good idea to seek the help of a professional counselor or mental health professional. It is unlikely that a giver can just walk away from a taker.

The ties that bind are often too deep and tight to just walk away. There are times when a codependent relationship can’t just end and needs to be rewired into a healthier dynamic. If a dysfunctional relationship is severed completely, there will be emotional damage done, as well as a likelihood that the enabling traits will carry over to other relationships.

There are some key areas that a professional counselor can help with.

• Help one recognize the specific codependency dynamics at play in the relationship.
• Addressing mental health issues that might be present, such as anxiety, depression, guilt, or shame.
• Learning how to draw and maintain healthy boundaries.
• Rebuilding a strong sense of self and self-worth.
• Understand family of origin dynamics and how they might play a part.
• Rebuilding a relationship after codependency.

There is a knee-jerk reaction to feel ashamed once you recognize that you may have enabled someone or become enmeshed in a codependent relationship. But there is hope. You can learn to recognize the signs, draw boundaries, and rebuild your self-esteem.

Next Steps

The counselors at Texas Christian Counseling could be a great resource for you in your journey toward healing and restoration. Look for a counselor at www.texaschristiancounseling.com that might be just what you need to take the first step toward a healthier relationship and a stronger sense of self.