Lifting the Lid On Repressed Anger

A couple is driving home in silence after an event, but tension hangs in the air between them. She wants to ask him what’s wrong, but she knows that he’ll tell her that nothing is wrong and that he’s fine.

This happens every so often: he gets upset about something and goes silent, leaving her to try and find out what the problem is. If she continues poking around, he will explode and emotionally withdraw for the next few days. He is clearly dealing with repressed anger, but she doesn’t know how to help him without making the problem worse.

Repressed anger affects many relationships like this, where one emotionally adjusted partner tries to help their less regulated loved one, with both becoming frustrated or angry at each other.

Some people grow up in homes where parents and other family members model emotional stoicism or passive aggression rather than communication. Other people experienced their fair share of violent conflict as children, and now would rather avoid any situation that could lead to arguments or heated disagreements.

Whatever the reason for their repressed anger, they reach adulthood without having the language or confidence to express themselves honestly, so they shut down and withdraw.

Many of us make it to adulthood having been shaped by trauma and neglect, and lacking the ability to name our emotions, let alone process them. Our upbringing might have failed us, but we can still develop the skills we need to begin expressing our repressed emotions safely. It might get messy, and those closest to us might be affected by our emotional dysregulation, but we don’t have to sit with repressed anger forever.

The Pressure Cooker

Returning to the couple in the car, any outsider might look at them and not realize that anything was wrong. All they would see are two people driving home in silence. Some people are so good at hiding their emotions that on the surface, it truly seems like nothing is wrong. Only those closest to them could detect the subtle shifts in his body language.

The clenched jaw, the unblinking focus on the road ahead, the stiff demeanor, and the sideways glances instead of direct eye contact are all the telltale signs that he has something on his mind.

Eventually, he will begin talking, and when he does, his comments will be sharp, barbed, and sarcastic. One of the first signs of repressed anger is passive aggression. This happens when the person doesn’t want open conflict and doesn’t want to expose the issue in case things become too dramatic, but they can no longer hold their anger down.

It begins to seep out in mean comments and cold, directed statements that inflict some of the pain they are feeling inside.

They might even act out passive aggression further by doing hurtful things that they can plausibly deny if confronted. The couple in the car stops to get takeout dinner on the way home, and he accidentally gets her order wrong. This is passive-aggressive punishment for something he still cannot confront her about.

Venting Repressed Anger

There is a common saying that goes, “Better out than in,” meaning that it is better to express something than repress it. Venting doesn’t always help repressed anger, however, and usually it only makes things worse.

If the man in our example were going to begin venting his issues, he would more than likely begin spiraling. Months and maybe years of repressed anger would start spewing out as he offloaded his issues, and she would have no choice but to listen and be overwhelmed.

Venting is useful for someone who regularly does it. It is like offloading a small build-up of pressure. It is a few days’ worth of anger or a week at most. Repressed anger is usually months and years of anger, and it cannot be adequately expressed in a good venting session.

For the person with repressed anger, venting is like throwing wood on a bonfire, stoking it to keep it burning. It usually becomes a shouting match where the person with repressed anger blames the other for a lifetime’s worth of issues.

It is hard to take accountability for your emotions when you never express them. The man in the car might tell his partner, “You make me feel so inadequate when I see you flirting with other men like you were doing today.”

She would finally know the issue and would feel like she was to blame for his hurt emotions, even though he misinterpreted the things he witnessed. Venting is often an opportunity for one person to blame the other for all of the discomfort and hurt they are feeling.

If he wanted to express his anger healthily, he could say, “When I see you interacting with other men in that way, I feel insecure and inadequate. I know you are not trying to hurt me, but I still feel hurt whenever that happens.”

This is an honest expression of the way he feels without blaming anyone. She then has the opportunity to reassure him that she was merely being friendly because that is how she communicates. This would be the beginning of helpful dialogue and healthy communication, and he would learn that it is safe to express his anger in the right way.

A Mask Emotion

Another thing he might learn as he began expressing his emotions is that he was not only angry at her, but he was also jealous, insecure, hurt, and afraid of losing her. Anger is often an emotion that we default to rather than processing other complicated, uncomfortable emotions. He doesn’t want to feel insecure, jealous, or possessive in his relationship, and so he defaults to stewing on his silent, repressed anger.

Just like the parent who yells at their child for running into traffic, they are angry, but underneath that, they are overwhelmed by the fearful, sudden shock of nearly losing their child. Anger is often a mask emotion that keeps us from dealing with the more complicated emotions beneath and behind it.

Deep down, we often know that there is more to unpack beneath the surface, even when we can’t name our emotions or understand where they come from. It seems like if we were going to lift the lid on the years of repressed stuff we have inside, a volcano would explode inside of us and destroy everything close to us. It feels easier to keep the lid screwed down tight and to continue driving home in silence, repeating the claim to be fine.

Of all the coping mechanisms, this one might ultimately be the most damaging. Not only do we affect our relationships when we shut down and distance ourselves from the issue, but we also neglect ourselves and ignore our own needs.

We might have a tangle of emotions inside of us, but we carry it wherever we go, and it doesn’t disappear over time. The longer we leave it, the more ignored emotions get hidden behind repressed anger until we can’t feel anything except anger.

We might not have someone traveling with us, asking us what’s wrong when we go silent. We may have to begin dealing with all of our emotions on our own. We can begin simply by writing everything down, even if it makes no sense and breaks all the grammar rules. At the very least, we can begin learning how to express ourselves and identify what we’re feeling. There is a long journey still ahead of us, and we don’t have to sit in silence any longer.

Whether you have someone to talk to or not, it’s always a good idea to open up to someone who has a different perspective on your life. Counselors are not only professional listeners, but they are also calm, confidential, and nonjudgmental. To get started with a counselor today, please consult our online catalog or speak with our reception team.