Diagnosing Codependency and Narcissism in Your Relationship

It might be hard to hear, but the combination of codependency and narcissism in a relationship makes for a toxic dynamic that damages both parties in the long run. In this dynamic, the narcissist believes they are owed love, loyalty, and devotion while not offering much in return. The codependent partner, meanwhile, spends all their energy desperately trying to make the relationship work, often at the expense of their own happiness, desires, and needs.

This is a simplified explanation for some truly complex dynamics. The fact is that relationships like these can be hard to escape. Many are left empty, emotionally and mentally damaged, and uncertain of what they truly want.

You might not be able to save or repair your relationship if it is founded on codependency and narcissism, but you can save and heal your self-esteem and mental health. It is essential to take some time to diagnose the health of your relationship, do some introspection, and develop boundaries if you are going to be saved from a future of unhappiness.

There’s Work to Do

Relationships can be hard work sometimes. No one is perfect; everyone has damage, baggage, and character development to go through. However, the mark of a healthy relationship is that you both try to make it work, you each bring something to the table, and you work together with mutual love and respect.

If you are exhausted from feeling like your relationship is an uphill climb, if you doubt your partner’s feelings for you, or if you feel as if you have to walk on eggshells around them, you must ask yourself two questions: “Why is it so difficult to make this relationship work?” and “Why am I staying in it?”

Leaving an abusive or unhealthy relationship can be incredibly difficult, but you can begin the process by doing some deep self-reflection. Many people hold onto their broken, toxic, or stale relationships because they believe they love their partner. However, the truth is, they are terrified of being alone.

Oftentimes, they feel like a failure if the relationship were to end. The relationship is the only thing that gives them any happiness in life, despite it being unhealthy. If you can identify with one or all these reasons, it shows that there is work to be done, not on the relationship, but on yourself.

Diagnosing Codependency and Narcissism

Every codependent and narcissistic relationship has a few things in common. Firstly, the codependent partner is the one putting in the effort in the relationship to make it work. They take on the brunt of the responsibility in the relationship, while the narcissist sits back and takes, offering nothing but contempt for their partner’s efforts.

The codependent constantly feels that if they could get everything right, their partner would notice their efforts and respond with affection, respect, or gratitude. Sadly, this truly never happens, and the codependent continues working to try to make things work.

Return to the first of the two questions: why is it so difficult to make the relationship work? Think about it honestly. Could it be that you are pulling all the weight while your partner contributes the bare minimum? It’s like you are preparing a buffet for them to eat each night, and they eat their share and your own and don’t say thank you. Which leads to the second question: Why are you staying with them?

Another characteristic that a codependent does in a relationship built on codependency and narcissism is that they hold on to the expectation of the potential of what and who their partner could be. What this means is that they hold onto the scraps of hope that their relationship could improve and that their partner will change and love them one day.

The hard truth is that a narcissist will never prioritize you above themselves. They will give you morsels of affection when it suits them, but you will not get the relationship of your dreams if you are devoted to a narcissist. Stop fighting for what the relationship could be and see it for what it is now.

The final thing these types of relationships have in common is that the narcissist feels unfulfilled and empty, while the codependent feels guilty and ashamed. Why do you feel guilty and ashamed for your partner’s obvious disinterest and disdain? Could it be because they take no accountability for their actions, while you take accountability for everything that goes wrong? You are likely committed to making the relationship work whilst also feeling guilty, ashamed, and unworthy of affection and love.

Every relationship founded on codependency and narcissism leads to the self-esteem of the codependent partner being totally eroded over time. The complete lack of interest and self-sacrifice from their partner communicates that they are not worthy of these things.

You might be making excuses for your partner’s actions, but what you will benefit most from is building boundaries and dropping the burdens you are not being helped with. It’s time to stop abandoning your needs to fulfill theirs.

The Broader Picture

Codependency and narcissism are complex traits, and it helps to understand both if you are to understand why your relationship is not working. Maybe you have never diagnosed your partner as being narcissistic, or yourself as being codependent.

In the context of any kind of relationship, romantic or not, codependency and narcissism fit together like toxic puzzle pieces. This is because they are almost the opposite of each other, and people with these traits often find each other and fit together in an unhealthy way.

For example, narcissists are entirely focused on themselves and their needs, wants, and desires. Codependents, however, usually focus on meeting other people’s needs and making them happy. They are givers, while narcissists are takers.

Codependents have high levels of empathy and compassion, while narcissists often fake having concern and empathy; inside, they truly have none. Codependents work hard at being lovable by showing love. They will do whatever needs to be done, always hoping that their efforts are noticed and rewarded. Narcissists inwardly believe they deserve special treatment and offer little in the way of gratitude or returned kindness.

At their most toxic, narcissists are abusive, controlling, and manipulative, taking a twisted delight in invalidating others’ needs. Codependents are often open to being abused, controlled, and manipulated, all while doing their own form of manipulation to elicit affection by people-pleasing.

In a way, codependency and narcissism are two sides of the same coin: both have a deep inner void, and both are addicted to validation, one giving and the other receiving. Relationships like these can be trapped because both partners lock into each other like puzzle pieces, fueling the worst character traits in each other.

Understanding What Love Is

Loving relationships are not built on control or power dynamics. They are made of two imperfect people giving each other their best, and forgiving each other for their worst. They are built on effort and intentionality, consistency, mutual respect, and kindness. They hurt each other occasionally, sometimes intentionally, but they always reconnect and help each other heal.

A healthy relationship is not a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; it is no vague ideal or wild hope. You don’t have to be demeaned, overlooked, taken for granted, or abused. You don’t have to walk on eggshells, bite your tongue, or repress your feelings for fear of causing a scene. You don’t have to pull all the weight in a relationship. You can rest, repair, and enjoy a future of give and take.

Confronting the issues in your relationship is hard to do alone, but easier to do with a counselor. If you would like to meet with one, there is help. Find someone in our online catalog, or our reception team can help you. Call or email to learn more.