6 Keys to Improve Communication in a Relationship

Is there anything simpler, and at the same time possibly more complicated than two people talking? Two people communicating with one another is the basis of a relationship, whether they are using their mouths or hands to express their meaning. The way the Lord designed us, we aren’t a race of mind readers. This necessitates finding ways to express our fears, hopes, needs, and expectations. We must improve communication – it is a vital skill to master in all areas of life.

If you’re in a relationship with someone, knowing how to communicate your meaning to them is a boon for that relationship. You can avoid unnecessary misunderstandings, know how best to love your beloved, and quickly get to the heart of disagreements if your communication skills are on point. We all could use some brushing up and learning a few tips to help improve communication in our relationships.

Obstacles to Good Communication

It’s important to say from the start that people aren’t intentionally bad communicators. No one wants to be misunderstood and to cause avoidable friction in their relationships. No one wants to be unhappy or to make the people in their lives unhappy because of their words. Often, these things happen quite contrary to our desires. There are some obstacles to good communication that we may need greater awareness of.

Some things that can stand in the way of good communication include unaddressed feelings like hurt, fear, or anger. These can prevent honest and open communication, leading instead to defensiveness, making assumptions about the other person and their state of mind, and leaning into our biases and prejudices. However, making assumptions and being biased can’t always be blamed on unaddressed feelings.

Apart from these internal challenges, good communication can also be hindered by external factors. These include when you have time constraints, which can leave matters unresolved and open the door to misunderstanding. If you’re in a noisy environment or if your internet connection is spotty, all that can interfere with your communication and affect it negatively. Cultural or language barriers can also create barriers to effective communication.

You can also have other dynamics affecting your ability to communicate well. If there’s a lack of trust in the relationship, that can easily result in communication being untruthful, guarded, or defensive. If the relationship is imbalanced or feels unsafe, or there are unresolved past conflicts or traumas, effective communication becomes a challenge because you’re carrying emotional baggage that colors your interactions.

Additionally, if the individuals in the relationship are working through issues like a fear of vulnerability, low self-esteem, or they are on the spectrum, that can affect how they communicate by putting up particular obstacles.

Lastly, people also have differences in their communication styles, which can lead to misunderstandings. One example is what can happen if a person with a direct style interacts with one who has an indirect style.

These obstacles don’t imply that communication can’t happen. Rather, having an awareness of them helps in addressing them, and when they’re addressed, you can have more meaningful and effective communication.

What Poor Communication Brings

When you have poor communication in a relationship, the results can range from comical to devastatingly painful. Depending on the state of the relationship as well as what the situation is, miscommunication can result in a comedy of errors, or it can feel like adding insult to injury, further damaging the relationship and negatively affecting the couple themselves in the process.

Some of the possible consequences of poor communication include the escalation of conflict instead of resolution. When you express yourself poorly, you may also start avoiding engaging, which can leave you with unaddressed issues, resentment, further conflict, and emotional distance or disconnection. This may then result in a lack of intimacy and difficulty being vulnerable with one another.

If you and a loved one keep missing each other, but you’re eager to resolve the issue, that can be a cause for deep anxiety and stress. It’s distressing to know that your loved one has unmet needs or that there’s a simmering conflict that you can’t quite seem to articulate or get a handle on. The inability to communicate your inmost desires and intentions can be frustrating, affecting your mental health and well-being.

If poor communication is or becomes something of a pattern, it can result in withdrawal and avoidance. Instead of tackling thorny issues, it may feel easier to simply withdraw and not talk about things. One unfortunate consequence of this is that one may seek emotional connection outside the relationship, which could result in infidelity.

In the long term, poor communication could result in declining satisfaction in the relationship, ongoing conflict that doesn’t get resolved, and disconnection between the couple. The scars and trauma caused by poor communication can affect the relationship, contributing to a breakdown. Separation or divorce may become the unfortunate outcome of this breakdown.

Tips to Improve Communication

Given how important good communication is, and how devastating poor communication can be, it’s good news that communication can be improved drastically by orders of magnitude. You can enhance your communication, firstly by recognizing where there may be issues, and then patiently working at changing any unhelpful habits while putting on healthy ones. It requires an overhaul, putting off the old and putting on the new (Ephesians 4:17-32).

Below are 6 key tips that you can start implementing in your relationship to improve communication.

Practice active ignoring You’ve likely heard of active listening. That is a handy part of effective communication. However, we’ll start this list with active ignoring. The term ‘active ignoring’ describes what you’re doing when you intentionally choose to ignore a topic or issue that is not essential to discuss at the moment.

Conversations can be easily derailed by focusing on tangents. Instead of following every rabbit or squirrel that crosses your conversational path, keep the main thing the main thing. Doing this can help you prevent unnecessary conflicts and create space for more meaningful conversations. You don’t need to chase everything down now or prove you’re right in this, that, or the other.

Use “and” in place of “but” Imagine if someone said, “I love you, but…”. Whatever they say after the but is the crux of the matter, and you ignore what came before. That’s the power of the word ‘but’. That word can also seem quite argumentative or dismissive. If you make a small adjustment by replacing it with ‘and’, it lands as more supportive and collaborative.

An example is if you say, “I know you’re frustrated, but I’m upset too”. To communicate that you’re in this together and that you aren’t taking your feelings more seriously than your loved ones’, consider the impact of saying, “I know you’re frustrated, and I’m upset too”. It lands differently, doesn’t it?

Be intentional about checking in It’s important to be intentional about setting time aside to connect. Some couples have a “State of the Union” meeting on the cards, and this helps them talk intentionally about the state of their relationship, their goals, any concerns they may have, and celebrate successes. Setting time aside to address concerns prevents resentment from building up and helps with alignment.

Use your non-verbal cues Part of effective and active listening is to make sure that your whole body and being are fully present in the moment, and that you are present for your loved one. Non-verbal cues like nodding, maintaining eye contact, tilting your head, smiling, leaning in, and having an open posture all communicate something. You are saying you’re fully engaged; you are listening carefully.

When you listen in a full-bodied way, you’re showing that you’re interested and accepting of what your loved one is saying. Being present like this can help foster a sense of connection and safety in the conversation. When you are present like this, it can lead to more honest and open communication.

Practice empathetic reflection Another tool from your active listening kit is reflecting with empathy. When you reflect, you’re essentially expressing what you’ve heard, indicating that you understand what was shared, that it matters, and is valid. Reflecting can be as simple as saying, for example, “I sense that this frustrates you.” Your loved one will feel heard and supported.

Be transparent A key aspect of good communication is vulnerability. Being transparent is about sharing thoughts, feelings, desires, and concerns openly, without fear of judgment or rejection. Being this vulnerable can create a culture of trust in the relationship, opening up the possibility of more meaningful conversations and communication.

In your relationship, you can also make use of forgiveness to do a reset so that you’re not holding onto grudges or past hurts. When you see each other through the lens of hurt, it can distort what you hear and say.

To improve communication, you can also seek help from a couples counselor. They can guide you in identifying unhelpful or unhealthy aspects of your interactions and toward more effective communication. To learn more and to schedule your first appointment, contact our office today.