Are You Living with a Codependent Narcissist?

In some regards, everyone displays codependency on some level. But when this behavior increases or both people seem to assume their roles of giver and taker, the union can become toxic and emotionally draining.

Narcissists are “takers.” People with narcissistic behaviors lack empathy for their spouses and only think about themselves. For example, suppose your husband displays narcissistic behaviors. In that case, he may place demands on you that you are not physically capable of and then blame you for not thinking about him and prioritizing his needs.

But can narcissists be codependent? How do you know if you are living with a codependent narcissist?

Signs your loved one might be a codependent narcissist.

Could your spouse be a codependent narcissist? Do you feel stretched thin with family responsibilities, a job, aging parents, household chores, and your spouse’s needs? Does your spouse then accuse you of not caring about them when you forget a tiny detail, like making an appointment or picking up their favorite food from the grocery store?

After dealing with your spouse, you may feel emotionally drained and confused. But their behaviors are rooted in subconscious dependency (something they despise in others), insecurity, shame, and denial. A narcissist views these traits as weaknesses and cannot see (or refuses to acknowledge) these traits in themselves.

Codependency and narcissism can go hand in hand. Narcissists also prey on people with codependency issues. As you reflect on your behavior, do you display codependency traits? You may want to consider speaking to a coach or counselor to see if you are exhibiting codependency and learn ways to stop the behaviors.

A coach or counselor can also help you identify narcissistic behaviors that you may have seen from your spouse. The codependent-narcissistic relationship is toxic and can lead to verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. Once you recognize the signs, you must decide if the relationship can be saved and, if so, what outside resources you will use. Unfortunately, many codependent narcissists are unaware of their behavior. Instead, they view the spouse as the problem.

Read through the following list of common signs of a codependent narcissist.

Inflated ego fueled by insecurity.

A codependent narcissist believes that they should be the center of attention. They will inflate, exaggerate, or lie to make others think they are more important than they are. This self-importance might be gained at the expense of you or your family. Since narcissists lack empathy, they will not think twice about using others to get ahead.

Often these behaviors stem from insecurity. It could be that your spouse was raised in a home where they had to constantly prove themselves to their parents to feel loved and accepted. Narcissists will go out of their way to have someone stroke their ego, including breaking the law or cheating on their spouse.

Afraid you will leave.

Narcissists view vulnerability and insecurity as weaknesses, yet their behaviors are in a subconscious response to both of these traits. Narcissists fear abandonment. They may employ tactics to manipulate and control others to keep those people from leaving.

It sounds counterintuitive, as narcissists will do things that push their spouse away. However, they do not want their significant other to leave, nor do they understand that their actions will drive their loved one away. Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder cannot acknowledge that the fault lies with them.

Critical of others, but sensitive to criticism aimed at them.

People with codependency tend to be self-critical and self-deprecating. Narcissists feed on this and use criticism to control others, making their spouse feel ashamed, worthless, or guilty. However, narcissists are extremely sensitive to criticism themselves. They will lash out, employ the silent treatment, or display rage when someone questions them or offers criticism to improve something.

Narcissists expect to know how to do everything perfectly from the start and for people to admire them for their accomplishments. They expect the same from the people around them. People with codependency rarely speak up for themselves and often try to please the narcissist. This is a vicious, toxic cycle in the relationship.

Expects everyone to serve them.

Entitlement is a common sign of a codependent narcissist. Does your spouse say things like, “You owe me,” even when you both put in the work? If your spouse was mistreated or neglected as a child, they might feel their parents and the world owe them. As a result, they seek adulation and approval from others (often stemming from insecurity and dependency) and are self-absorbed.

Narcissists believe they are above the rules, whether at home or work. They will argue and confront anyone they believe is keeping them from what they deserve. However, they may not want to put in the hard work to get what they want or to reach a goal. Instead, they might blame their spouse for not having everything they deserve.

Disregards healthy boundaries.

You may have some insight into your spouse’s behavior by knowing how they were raised. For example, did your spouse have a controlling parent who disregarded boundaries and privacy? Your spouse may exhibit these same behaviors, although as an adult, they are responsible for changing their behaviors. A narcissist may need professional help to change life-long thoughts and actions.

People with codependency issues rarely set or enforce boundaries, which works in the narcissist’s favor. However, without proper limits, the relationship becomes toxic and possibly abusive. In addition, the more the codependent person gives, the more the narcissist will take and demand more.

Using love as a manipulation tool.

Narcissists use love as a tool for manipulation. People with codependency issues seek love, which is how they stay stuck in the toxic relationship. When the narcissist does something that should otherwise end the relationship, they change their behavior and “love bomb” their spouse until they return to them. After the narcissist knows that they have their partner back, they revert to their old ways.

For example, the narcissist spouse cheats on his wife, and the wife forces him to leave. Soon, the narcissist is calling, texting, messaging, and sending her flowers. She becomes his sole focus as he tries to woo her back. Eventually, the codependent woman, feeling that she needs her husband and loving the attention and displays of affection, takes him back. However, he resumes his narcissistic behaviors not long after reconciliation. He may even blame his indiscretions on his wife’s behavior.

Using gaslighting or the silent treatment to control.

Narcissists use several tactics to control their spouse, including gaslighting and the silent treatment. For example, if your husband doesn’t get his way, does he skulk and refuse to talk to you for hours or days at a time? Does your wife say and do things to upset you and then trivialize your feelings?

Gaslighting and other manipulative tactics increase the likelihood of the codependent spouse developing anxiety and depression. It also asserts more control to the narcissist. For example, a codependent narcissist may ignore all of the responsibilities and tasks their spouse manages and instead accuse their spouse of not acknowledging the things they have done. When the spouse defends themselves, the narcissist uses guilt or anger to shame their spouse.

Seeking help for codependency in relationships.

Extreme codependency can ruin a relationship. Narcissistic behaviors can destroy a marriage. How do you break free from both? Consider contacting a coach or counselor for help with your relationship. A coach or counselor can assess your situation and listen to both parties, giving suggestions and sharing psychological techniques to break codependent narcissist behavior.

A coach or counselor can also work with your spouse to help them acknowledge narcissistic behaviors and begin making changes. Contact our office today to schedule your session with a coach or counselor.