Keys to Resolving Relationship Conflict in a Family

Families come in all shapes and sizes, and they range from the idyllic to the truly dysfunctional. Each person’s family will affect them, including their outlook on life, values, how they handle their emotions, and so much more. Family relationships are some of the more impactful relationships in a person’s life, and when mired in relationship conflict, can severely hamper one’s flourishing.

There are many reasons why a family might find itself caught in ongoing conflict, struggling to resolve it effectively. However, the good news is that whatever state one’s family is in, it’s possible to work on those relationships and build the skills necessary to effectively handle difficulties. One tool a family can make use of is family counseling, which can help a family become a place of nurture and well-being.

Sources of relationship conflict in a family

When you bring several people together into a situation, there exists the possibility that conflict will arise. People bring their own expectations, , desires, goals, temperaments, relational skillsets, and agendas to every situation they find themselves in. The fact that the people involved are related to one another doesn’t change the fact that our relationships have complex dynamics that drive them.

In a given family unit, there will be challenges and dynamics that will be at play. These dynamics can drive the conflict that springs up in that family, and the family members may or may not be aware of the deeper reasons why they are engaged in conflict with one another. Some of the sources of conflict in a family include the following:

Differences in outlook

Whether due to generational differences, varying personalities, or different value systems, family members can end up having different and even opposing outlooks on life. These differences may relate to concrete issues such as politics and religion, or to how they feel they ought to be treated by other family members. Without mutual understanding and respect, such differences can devolve into conflict.

Difficulty communicating

No relationship can flourish without good communication. A family may wrestle with communication due to physical distance, isolation, and not spending enough time together, or lacking skills to communicate in healthy ways that promote dialogue and intimacy. Some families struggle with communicating things such as their feelings, and that hinders the sense of connection.

Past conflicts

Some families will have past conflicts that weren’t successfully resolved. Perhaps some issues were shelved and never addressed again because they were too painful or complicated to speak to. These past conflicts may result in emotional distance between family members, or family members walking on eggshells around each other.

Past abuses and hurts

When something such as sexual, emotional, or physical abuse takes place in a family, it can divide a family, especially if the abuse isn’t called out or people take sides on who they believe. Even when something like infidelity or divorce occurs, it can split a family not only physically, but in terms of allegiances.

Financial strain

When a family is under considerable financial stress, that can affect how the family members relate to one another. When stress isn’t handled well, it can result in short tempers, and things can get said that fray relationships.

Sharing burdens unequally

In a family, each member has a share in how other family members experience the family as a whole. Each family will decide for itself who takes what responsibilities on, and what to expect from one another. If one or more family members feel like they are taking on more than the others, that can become a source of friction and conflict.

Unequal treatment

One of the causes of conflict in families is when favoritism occurs. If one sibling receives rewards or avoids consequences that others in similar circumstances do not get or avoid, that can inspire resentment. If one parent is shown greater consideration and appreciation than the other, that too can cause resentment leading to conflict.

These and many other situations and experiences are at the root of various conflicts that can erupt in a family. Conflict can arise due to a perception of inequality and favoritism just as much as if there is actual unequal treatment. Resentment and rancor can build up if issues aren’t addressed honestly and openly.

How relationship conflict manifests in a family

As different family members likely have different communication and conflict styles, conflict will manifest in a variety of ways. Some people are quite direct, and they will let you know if there is an issue that needs attention. They may do so in an abrasive and loud manner, or they can be simple, clear, and direct about it. Other people will not let on that they are bothered, but they’ll act in subtle ways to make their displeasure known.

Since there are different ways that people communicate and engage in conflict, conflict will look different depending on who’s involved. Sometimes, conflict may look like family members avoiding each other, or steering clear of certain topics of conversation. A family member might not show up to family events like Thanksgiving or weddings because of an ongoing conflict. They may clam up or withdraw when certain topics are raised.

In other situations, the conflict will look loud and obvious. Voices may be raised, slurs cast about, there may even be threats of violence made, or damage done to property as tempers flare. Family members might take sides, and the result might be tears and people storming off in a huff.

In yet other situations, conflict might look like family members subtly letting each other know that they are unhappy. This more passive-aggressive form of engaging with others may look like giving each other the silent treatment, rolling eyes when someone they don’t like is speaking, being sarcastic, or conveniently “forgetting” a request someone’s made, or dragging their feet even after having said “yes” to something.

Lastly, there are some families where outright conflict and the expression of certain emotions are frowned upon. In those cases, while people might be present and things appear to be alright on the surface, there are deep resentments at play. In such a situation, there is no real joy in being with each other, and in helping one another as a family does. There is a deep sense of obligation, but a lack of real warmth.

Conflict can take place in various ways. Just because your family isn’t engaged in knock-down, drag-out fights with each other, that doesn’t mean that conflict is absent.

Moving beyond conflict toward restoration and wholeness

Conflict affects how family members relate to and treat one another. Situations of conflict undermine emotional intimacy, and they make time spent together feel more like a chore than a joy. A family can move past conflict and heal their collective wounds. Reading Scriptures such as Proverbs, it’s clear that the Lord has a heart for families; they are the place for the nurture of children and one of the first places where we learn what it means to live well.

For a family to begin moving beyond their conflict, a few key areas need to be addressed, and they include the following:

Honestly facing the past

It does no good for a family to ignore past hurts. These ought to be acknowledged and spoken of as plainly as possible without blaming or shaming one another.

Being willing to apologize and change

Not only does the past need to be acknowledged, but it needs to be acknowledged and apologized for. An effective apology also includes clear steps for how things will change, and that makes room for real accountability.

Forgiveness

Without forgiveness, a family can’t move forward together. Forgiveness doesn’t mean there are no consequences for past actions, or that accountability is absent. Nor does it mean pretending that past wrongs are not indeed wrongs that should never have happened. Forgiveness, however, sets the scene for family members being able to seek deeper reconciliation and restoration of their relationship.

Learning how to communicate

Family members may not necessarily have the skill or space to communicate freely, especially difficult emotions such as anger, sadness, frustration, or disappointment. Through platforms such as family counseling, a family can grow their communication skills. Your counselor will help with exercises to develop self-awareness and the appropriate tools and vocabulary to express emotions without harming others.

Seeking help

The ins and outs of family conflict can become quite convoluted and difficult to navigate. Having a neutral third party who can listen to everyone and help to get to the bottom of what’s going on is a boon. A trained counselor can help a family unearth unexpressed desires and expectations that can fuel conflict, as well as point out unhealthy patterns of behavior and thought that undermine the family’s well-being.

Family counseling can help a family recognize its strengths, using these to build stronger bonds and overcome conflict. You can reach out to our office today and speak with a counselor to start restoring and building healthy relationships in your family.