The Grieving Stages and When to Get Help

Grieving is a normal part of the healing process. Grief happens with any loss, not just the death of a loved one. Loss can result from an eviction, job loss, a breakup or divorce, or the loss of a dream or goal. Knowing the grieving stages can help you navigate the healing process and recognize when you might need some support.

The Five Grieving Stages

The grieving stages consist of five stages or phases that people may experience during loss. However, everyone experiences grief differently. One person may experience each stage in order as listed below. Another individual may only experience three of the five stages, or cycle back through the grieving stages. Unfortunately, some people can experience grief that interferes with their physical and emotional health, as well as their work and relationships.

The following are the five stages of grief.

Shock/Denial

You have trouble believing that the loss has occurred. Maybe you don’t want to think that your spouse cheated, or that your loved one passed away. You may know that an event has happened, but you are unable to process it. You walk around in a daze, managing arrangements or doing the bare minimum.

Anger

You have an anger boiling beneath the surface. You may show your anger or voice it to others. Everything seems tainted through this lens. You want your spouse to know how angry you are with them for leaving. You feel angry at a loved one for passing away or angry at hospice or another person. You can’t seem to control your angry outbursts, and if you can, you bottle them up until they manifest as bitterness and rage.

Bargaining

The bargaining stage has you questioning everything, possibly blaming yourself for the actions of others, or wallowing in regret. You might think, “If only I had been more attentive to my spouse or given them what they wanted, they wouldn’t have had the affair. Maybe we could patch things up if I changed.”

You feel regret and think, “If only I had spent more time with my mother, she would still be alive.” People also tend to move into a bargaining stage before a loss, as they may pray, “I will always go to church and serve, if only my father lives through this illness.”

Depression

Depression is a persistent sadness. Sadness is expected and normal in the grieving stage. Depression that lasts for several weeks or months and interferes with daily activities, such as work, home, and relationships, requires the help of a counselor.

Acceptance

Acceptance is not a final result. Acceptance means that you acknowledge the loss and the emotions attached. You know you have a new normal to adapt to, and you are ready to move forward with healthy coping mechanisms. The pain of the loss may always be there, but you will be able to live your life. Acceptance can take weeks, months, or even years to fully reach.

When to Get Help

There is nothing shameful about seeking help after loss. Whether it is from the death of a loved one, divorce, or the loss of a long-term goal, the emotional pain can be intense. Knowing what is typical and expected during the grieving stages can help you pinpoint when you might need help.

As you read through the following descriptions, take note of any that sound familiar. Have you been struggling with the pain from a loss for several months? Does it seem like the pain is more intense now, making it difficult to focus or complete tasks? You may need to seek professional help.

Your grief interferes with daily activities and relationships

If your grief makes it hard to do simple tasks, such as washing the dishes, going to work, or spending time with your family, then you may need help. Grief includes anger and sadness, and we often don’t feel like reengaging in our routines after a loss. We may even ask ourselves how the world can keep spinning when we feel like we’ve lost everything. Other people may demand that we “move on,” but we have no interest in doing so.

You have problems sleeping

Grief, anxiety, and depression can all lead to problems sleeping. You may have issues falling asleep or staying asleep. You may wake up at 3 AM every night or suffer from nightmares. Sleep disturbances can increase as you move further into the grieving stages.

If you are suffering from sleep deprivation, consult with a mental health professional. Losing sleep can make it incredibly difficult to focus, stay alert during important tasks like driving, and contribute to high blood pressure, increased heart rate, and heart disease.

Your appetite changes

Stress during grief can cause an imbalance of the hunger hormones, ghrelin and leptin. You may not feel hungry at all or feel hungry all the time. Often, your body may lose its sense of hunger and fullness, leading you to emotionally eat to self-soothe. This can lead to rapid weight gain and eventually obesity.

You are neglecting self-care and personal hygiene

It is common not to feel up to resuming your daily routine after a loss. Many people take a few days to grieve at home. But when grief leads you to neglect your self-care and personal hygiene, you may need help. Staying in bed, ignoring daily chores, not showering or bathing, and not preparing meals for yourself and your family will only worsen depression symptoms and keep you stuck in the grieving stages.

You withdraw from friends and social circles

Grief makes you want to run and hide. You lose motivation to socialize. It becomes a draining activity. It may feel unfair that others are going on with their lives while you have suffered a loss, so you withdraw from friends and turn down social events.

Socializing, however, can help you heal. Spending time with others who understand your pain builds a connection. We were never meant to stay isolated. Take the time to grieve alone, but don’t shut everyone out for long.

You are abusing drugs or alcohol

No one wants to feel the pain of loss and disappointment. Yet, when we do things to numb the pain, we leave those emotions unresolved. Coping with drugs or alcohol will only lead to addiction, with physical and mental issues. Drugs and alcohol can also cause rifts in relationships, and addiction can spill over into your work.

You feel overwhelming emotional pain

Overwhelming emotional pain that derails your life calls for professional help. You will grieve and feel pain from a loss. Physical and emotional pain that interferes with your life months after a loss, keeps you from moving forward, or makes it difficult for you to think about a life without a loved one can be dangerous territory. If you experience intrusive or suicidal thoughts, seek help immediately.

You are experiencing physical problems

It is not uncommon for emotional pain from grief to manifest into physical symptoms as the grief deepens or you have problems reaching the acceptance stage. Headaches, digestive issues, and unexplained aches and pains are a few symptoms of complicated grief. Your counselor may suggest stress management techniques to help soothe discomfort as you work toward healing.

You can’t seem to move forward

Feeling stuck is a common part of grief. You may not see a way out of the wilderness of grief, and the constant back-and-forth of sorrow can start to feel like your new normal. You don’t dare to hope for a better future, because even hope can feel exhausting. If that describes you, you’re not alone.

In Scripture, God did not always remove His people from suffering right away. He kept Joseph in the dungeon, Daniel’s friends in the fire, Israel in the wilderness, and Jesus on the road to the cross.

As your counselor, I will walk with you through the wilderness of grief, using the best psychological tools available, and leaning on the biblical wisdom that resurrection comes after crucifixion.

Grief Counseling in Texas

Grief counseling sessions are available in-person or online to make counseling accessible for everyone. Contact our reception team today at Texas Christian Counseling to find support for your grieving process.