The Most Common Compulsive Behavior in Relationships

For those who deal with obsessive-compulsive disorder, or OCD, romantic relationships and meaningful friendships can be difficult to navigate without obsessions and compulsive behavior getting in the way. Among all the different types of OCD-related compulsive behavior, there are two that most frequently complicate relationships and keep people stuck.

The compulsive behavior of confessing can create difficult relationship dynamics. Confessing is a compulsive behavior that comes up in many different OCD subtypes, but it is in the context of relationships where it is the most difficult to deal with.

In OCD, confessing may fall into the OCD cycle, with obsessive thoughts being the desire to confess, confessing being the compulsion, and getting temporary relief from confessing, which starts the cycle over again, as it reinforces this negative cycle.

The second behavior is ruminating, which often creates difficulties in relationships. It is important to keep in mind the difference between reminiscing and ruminating. Reminiscing is something done often in our daily lives when we think back throughout our day, interactions with others, our thoughts, actions, and behaviors.

When done within reason and in a positive manner, without spending excessive amounts of time, this can actually be healthy. Reminiscing can actually help us grow in our relationships in many ways.

However, according to Psychology.org, “Rumination involves repetitive thinking or dwelling on negative feelings and distress and their causes and consequences.” In relationships, ruminating can become unhealthy because we may find ourselves questioning our interactions with our partner in a manner of being critical of ourselves.

This could be regarding what we may say or do, or how we think our partner perceives our thoughts, feelings, actions, and behaviors. We find ourselves trying to “mind-read” and understand how they feel about us to the point that it can disrupt our activities and daily living, such as work performance.

Rumination impacts the time we have for other responsibilities, but it can also make us insecure as we question our own actions, looks, behaviors, connections, intimacy, troubles, and more in a more negative light.

You may have experienced yourself questioning something you feel you may have done wrong or could have done better when, in reality, it didn’t phase your partner at all. They may not have even noticed. As one says, “we can be our biggest critic,” the same goes for rumination.

One way to prevent rumination is to find healthy distractions when we notice we are experiencing rumination instead of giving in to the obsession to reminisce. Coping strategies may include a healthy amount of time aside to journal regarding our feelings, using effective communication with our partner, and using thought-stopping techniques when we find ourselves drifting back into those cycles of rumination.

Defining a Compulsive Behavior

Compulsive behavior is a repetitive action or ritual that people with OCD feel driven to perform, sometimes multiple times daily. These repetitive habits bring temporary calm to their anxiety, but never fully put them at peace. For many, it can feel excruciating not to follow a compulsion. You may think of it as scratching an itch, but over time, the scratching can create a scab or wound when done in an obsessive manner, as one does with OCD.

Compulsive behaviors are related to and fueled by the obsession that manifests with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. For example, if the person is obsessed with the idea of cleanliness, their compulsive behavior might be washing their hands and sterilizing their work surfaces multiple times an hour.

Compulsive behaviors can be disruptive, debilitating, and harmful, especially when the OCD is intense. People often realize that their compulsive behavior is irrational and that they’re not truly changing anything by performing these tasks and rituals, but doing them brings a sense of peace and relief. The problem is that compulsive behavior doesn’t keep you safe and doesn’t truly relieve anxiety, regardless of how it may feel in the moment.

In reality, compulsive behaviors fuel OCD because they make the obsessions feel real and valid. For example, washing your hands multiple times within an hour will certainly make you feel as if you have clean hands, but when they become even a little dirty, it will feel as if they are truly filthy compared to how clean they normally are.

OCD becomes more manageable when you learn to neutralize the compulsive behavior that is attached to the obsession. This is uncomfortable and will likely result in a spike in your anxiety. However, a big part of getting free from severe OCD is about leaning into your discomfort and overcoming anxiety by allowing yourself to experience it. This may seem counterintuitive, but it is actually conditioning your brain to change in a positive, less obsessive manner.

It is important to use rational statements that help you manage the discomfort of not “scratching the itch.” Instead, one may say to oneself, “I know this feels uncomfortable, but this time will pass.” Another may be “thoughts are thoughts, not facts.” By focusing on not doing the compulsion, it helps us break the cycle by conditioning our brain to be less and less distressed over time as it realizes we are less likely to do the compulsion.

Some people compare it to substance use regarding “cravings.” We have a craving to do something, or in this instance, have a substance, but we can realize that the craving will pass and, over time, actually lessen in intensity.

The same goes for people who have OCD regarding the reduction in distress from not giving in to the compulsion. This leads to less ruminating or obsessing in the future as our brain starts to recognize alternative ways of thinking that do not lead to negative consequences, and therefore less distress.

Compulsively Confessing

So many aspects of OCD revolve around morality, cleanliness, and being a good person. Confessing is one of the most common compulsive behaviors across all the subtypes of OCD because it’s simple to achieve, it appears more positive and less obsessive than other compulsive behaviors, and it brings faster results in the form of relief.

Confessing as a compulsion usually begins in children. They constantly have the urge to confess about every small thing they have done throughout the day, in case one of their deeds was naughty.

It is obviously not a negative thing to want a clear conscience and to be seen as a good person. However, when confessing is compulsive, no amount of honesty or openness actually makes you feel absolved. The reason you confess is to feel better about the obsession you have. You are obsessed with being seen as a good and honest person. You confess so that you will be seen that way. Your mind has convinced you that you are a bad person if you don’t confess.

Confession feels like a positive thing to do, and where would the harm be if it were a compulsive behavior? It feels as if you are being honest, open, and vulnerable, which are important components of intimacy. This is also the reason confessing is difficult to correct as a compulsive behavior.

Reversing or neutralizing the behavior of compulsive confessing could alter the feel of a relationship. However, confession as a compulsive behavior is entirely about the one confessing, and not about the health or happiness of the relationship.

Examples Of Compulsive Confession

If you have OCD and you are in an intimate relationship with someone, regardless of whether it’s romantic or not, you are prone to obsessing over the security of the relationship.

If confession is your compulsive behavior, you regularly feel the unprompted urge to talk about something from your past, something you’re currently struggling with, or thoughts you have had. These are things that wouldn’t usually affect the relationship, but the OCD has you convinced that they are.

In other contexts, you may experience constant guilt over past things you did or thoughts you had. If you’re a person of faith, this might result in you compulsively confessing your sins in prayer. You only feel truly absolved and at peace after many lengthy emotional confessions. The most insidious aspect of compulsive confession is that you only ever feel temporarily forgiven, and it’s not long before you feel the overwhelming urge to confess again.

The Endless Cycle

When a person with OCD confesses something to someone, they appear vulnerable, honest, and humble. Often, the person they confess to will express appreciation and gratitude. By doing this, the person with OCD is reassured, but it is this reassurance that fuels the OCD.

They are not reassured that they are a good person. Instead, they are reassured that they were right to worry about obsessing over their faults and that they needed forgiveness. The next time they feel insecure or need reassurance, they have found something that brings them instant relief.

OCD craves reassurance, and the reassurance that comes from other people is ten times more effective than reassuring yourself. That’s what causes such an effective and damaging compulsive behavior. Confession, honesty, and needing reassurance are not bad things, but it is the reassurance that comes from confessing that fuels and feeds the OCD and keeps you stuck.

The Way Out

The fix for compulsive behavior is simple, but not easy. As mentioned earlier, you need to lean into the discomfort or “mental itch” you feel when you can’t perform your rituals. Refrain from doing what your OCD wants you to do. In the case of confessing, don’t open up when you feel compelled to. Practice keeping some things to yourself when you would rather talk about them with your partner.

This doesn’t mean that you become a closed book and put up distance between you and your partner, or friends, or whoever you have been confessing to. It’s not about isolating yourself and cutting off all support. Some sharing fuels your OCD, while other types of sharing do not. The harmful sharing is usually clouded by anxiety and fear.

Practice putting yourself on pause before you confess. Ask yourself:

• Who will benefit most from hearing this information? Is it you or the person you’re confessing to?
• Will it make them feel better, or will it make you feel better?

OCD can sometimes hijack that question, making you think one way. Often, the best way forward is to lean into discomfort.

Learn to wait. Take time to develop clarity before talking about an issue. Write down what you think you need to confess, and return to it in a few hours to see if it still holds the same weight. If it does, give it a few more hours or overnight before reviewing it again. This diffuses the anxiety and puts the issue into perspective. It also trains your brain not to seek immediate relief for non-issues.

It is important to remember that we break the OCD cycle by not acting on the obsession, which in turn keeps us from engaging in the compulsive behavior. The less we do the compulsive behavior, the less the obsessive thoughts will “itch” or be distressing. Therefore, it becomes easier and easier over time to break the OCD cycle as one builds confidence in their ability to cope.

Ultimately, you want to get to the point where you know what needs to be shared for the relationship to flourish. You need to overcorrect until you find balance. Practice sharing neutral things about your day or new lessons you have learned.

The things you feel compelled to confess will usually come from a place of anxiety. Confessing might temporarily provide relief, but you will become more tied to the compulsion to confess and more afraid of the consequences of not confessing.

You are not stuck with OCD for good. There are therapy and counseling options available that have proved highly successful with many people. Look for a counselor near you or through the website to find the help you need.