What to Expect When You See a Family Counselor

Seeing a therapist is a big decision and it can be intimidating! Picking the right therapist is hard. There are so many different types of therapists out there with so many specialties. What makes a family therapist or counselor any different (throughout this article I will use the words “therapist” and “counselor” interchangeably)?

Knowing what to expect from a family counselor may help ease some of the stress that comes along with picking the right therapist for you and/or your family. Often, people think that a marriage and family counselor is only for people who need marital or family counseling.

However, a marriage and family therapist is much more than just a couples/family therapist. We are trained specifically to look at a client’s problems from a general outlook. Rather than looking strictly at individual issues, couples’ problems, or family drama, a marriage and family therapist will always view the issue from a systemic perspective.

A systemic perspective

But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. – 1 Timothy 5:8, ESV

In my first article, I spoke heavily on foundational principles for a family. Having a foundation will set the tone for the treatment. To set the foundation properly, your family therapist will need to gain a full understanding of each family member’s system and then the family system as a whole. Each role in your family system is based on a variety of factors such as:

Your position

Are you a mom, dad, or child? If a child, what is your sibling position? Are you the firstborn, the middle child, the baby? Do you take on a caretaker role? Are you the breadwinner? Are you the golden child or the black sheep? Do you value family time, or do you prefer being alone?

Your age

Different stages of life will bring different thought processes. How you process things as a 7-year-old is different from how you would process it as a 17-year-old, 25-year-old, 40-year-old, and so on. You should always expect your therapist to take into consideration the ages of each family member. Understanding the importance of how age can affect your mindset is essential to the family dynamic.

Socioeconomic factors

Families can go through a plethora of socioeconomic factors in a lifetime. For example, the oldest child may have experienced being less fortunate, while the youngest child may have only experienced wealth. Understanding each person’s experience in their context will be a family therapist’s top priority.

Interactions between each family member

How do Mom and Dad, father and daughter, daughter and mother, son and mother, son and daughter, father and son, etc. interact? Is it a blended family situation? How does the grandparents’ relationship intertwine with the family dynamic?

Who is close to who? Are there any strained relationships? Are there any interaction patterns occurring through generations? These are all things that a family therapist will want to understand about the family’s dynamics.

While there are plenty more examples of contributing factors, these are some of the most common topics that you should expect a family counselor to explore. Though deep exploration may not always feel comfortable, it is necessary in family therapy. The uncomfortable conversations are a step in creating a closer understanding of the family system and ultimately help you and your family members to understand each other.

Your family counselor may ask to have individual sessions at times while others choose to only do family sessions. I prefer to start with the adults of the family. For example, if a traditional nuclear family is coming to see me, my first session will be information gathering.

My next session will consist of talking to the parents together without the children. The next session will be determined based on how the session with the parents turns out. Again, this is for the traditional family; unique dynamics would result in different treatment strategies.

Who is the expert?

The subject of who is the expert in the therapy room is a controversial topic. Every family therapist or counselor makes the conscious choice to be the expert in the room or for the client to be the expert in the room. I do not see either stance as an issue and there is not a right or wrong way to go about it. It is simply a preference.

The client’s viewpoint is what matters most because their preferences will guide the treatment. I like to think that we are both experts. In the therapy room, my expertise lies in my personal life experiences, my professional experience, and my education. My client’s expertise is in their personal experiences, professional experiences, education, age, race, status, and so on.

Just as I mentioned above these are factors that must be explored in therapy and understood to have a successful treatment. I believe that nobody will know you better than you know yourself. In the therapy room, we are partners. As the therapist, I need you and as the client you need me.

Just as in any other relationship, there is an exchange that happens in the therapy room and each bond formed in the therapeutic alliance will be unique. So who is the expert in the therapy room? Each person that is involved in the session. From the youngest child to the oldest adult, the expert lies in the individual. As your family therapist, I will guide you with my training and expertise as you let me know what you need from me.

Next steps

When you think about a risk-worthy person or a safe place to be yourself and expose your deepest vulnerabilities, what type of person do you imagine? I would imagine that it may include some of the following characteristics: a good listener, non-judgmental, dependable, empathetic, understanding, open-minded, optimistic, honest, a person with integrity, flexible, relatable, culturally competent, etc. Overall, they should be a well-rounded individual.

Expecting these characteristics is not too much to ask, they actually should all be skills your therapist possesses. As your family counselor, I will not be perfect because I am just as human as the next person. However, what I can guarantee is that I will be dedicated to providing you and your family with supportive, empathetic, and evidence-based services.

My training as a marriage and family therapist equipped me with the special skill set to not only view your issues from a systemic point of view but to also ensure that you receive evidence-based practices that have been empirically proven to provide you with the best results for your planned treatment services.

Therapy works best when it is implemented in your everyday routine. It should be integrated until it is a normal part of your life ultimately creating a lifestyle change. Just as I expect you to work on your treatment outside of the therapy room, you can expect the same from me.

Although there are times when clients come to therapy with similar issues and situations, I believe that a competent family counselor should take the time to research the best methods and modalities that fit your family’s needs. There is no cookie-cutter approach to therapy as each client is unique regardless of the similarities. Therefore, your therapist must possess a versatile skill set.

You should expect an individualized treatment plan that will be collaborative between your family counselor and the entire family system. As your family counselor, I am passionate about providing you with the best treatment. I would love to meet you and help you navigate whatever issues you are battling. You are not alone! Book a session with me!