5 Child Behavior Problems You Shouldn’t Ignore

Humans are complex beings. Little humans can be even more complex. According to an array of experts, brains are fully developed around the age of twenty-five. Adult brains are better equipped to handle situations than little human’s (that is, children’s) brains. Children’s minds aren’t developed enough to handle situations in the way we adults want them to.

It is helpful to instruct children about cause and effect and that there are consequences to their actions whether good or bad. By doing this, we can teach them to think through situations and respond more logically as opposed to merely reacting. It is our responsibility as the adults in their lives, to guide them and help them learn healthy ways to respond to stressful stimuli.

Additionally, if you are a parent, teacher, aunt/uncle, grandparent, sibling, or any other important adult in a child’s life, you must be aware and be present. When caring for children who have been through hard situations or deemed more high-risk children, you have a responsibility to educate yourself in ways to be more supportive of them. Specifically, you need to understand how trauma affects their brain development.

I suggest to the person reading this to take a look at a healthy brain image versus an image of a brain that has been through repeated or significant trauma at a young age. I imagine that if you do, you will be shocked by the difference. A child’s response to certain stressful stimuli will be determined by their brain development. The child’s environment will also play a pivotal role in their brain development.

The environment includes their neighborhood, friends, parental relationships, sibling relationships, school, etc. As we deal with their unwanted behavioral issues, it may be useful to keep all of these factors in mind. I’m aware that in the moment it can be hard to think of this, but it does get easier as you train and practice implementing it in your thought process.

Believe it or not, your children are not behaving the way they do for no reason. I am going to pass along the biggest gem that I learned from my days of working in residential: there are always feelings beneath every behavior. This is why teaching them how to regulate their emotions and talk through their feelings is the most foundational tool.

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. – Proverbs 22:6 (ESV)

Below we will discuss some of the main behavioral issues for which children are brought into therapy. These common issues are usually the easiest to notice, but as we dive deeper into them, we will explore some of the more subtle ways your child may be experiencing these behaviors. It is important to note that every child is unique. While there may be similarities in behaviors, there are always distinct systemic factors that make up a child’s worldview.

Physically Aggressive Behaviors

Physical aggression is one of the easiest behaviors to recognize. It can consist of verbal aggression followed by a physical attack such as punching, pushing, kicking, spitting, using a weapon, destroying property, self-harm, etc. Seeing your child blow up or have an outburst can be traumatic, frustrating, sad, hurtful, confusing, and annoying at the same time.

It is okay to feel that way about your child. It does not make you a bad parent because you feel negative feelings toward them. Children often display outbursts of anger because they are having a hard time regulating their emotions.

The key to noticing physically aggressive behaviors before they happen is learning to know your child. Most times there are warning signs that are often subtle but can also be obvious. It may take some time, but start learning their precipitating factors. What makes them tic? What are their triggers? What usually happens before the aggression starts? Where did they learn this behavior?

Resorting to physically aggressive behaviors can be dangerous and at times life-threatening. Understanding these things will take time, so please be patient with yourself and seek help if needed. The fact that you are reading this article is a major step in the right direction. It is better to seek help sooner rather than later because as the old saying goes, bad habits are hard to break.

Seeking help is not just for them. It is for you and everyone else whom your child encounters. Going to a professional who specializes in trauma-informed care could be beneficial because your child might be struggling with an undiagnosed mental disorder. If you are operating without that knowledge you could be unknowingly causing more harm to your child.

Verbally Aggressive Behaviors

What is verbal aggression? Verbal aggression is often described as yelling, shouting, calling names, making threats toward others, etc. While these are all forms of verbal aggression, the most underrated verbal aggression is passive verbal aggression. Passive verbal aggression is the choice of words one will use to hurt you mentally or emotionally.

An example of a passive verbally aggressive comment can sound something like this “Wow I can’t believe you are crying over something as small as that.” Some may wonder how this is a verbally aggressive comment. It’s because that person is disparaging the way they made you feel by acting as if it is trivial.

Passive verbal aggression is harder to catch especially in children because it can appear harmless. However, it is the catalyst for a more severe form of verbal aggression. At all times as a parent, you need to watch your own words. Children are sponges and they will mimic what you do and what you say.

Withdrawal, Avoidance, or Overindulgent Behaviors

Noticing withdrawal, avoidance, or overindulgent symptoms are crucial for your child’s livelihood. These are often warning signs of a much scarier outcome such as suicide or homicide. Just for clarity, your child can exhibit these behaviors and not be suicidal or homicidal. Withdrawal, avoidance, and overindulgent behaviors can look different in each situation; however, they typically consist of:

• Lying
• Manipulation
• Isolation
• Depressive symptoms
• Over or under-eating
• Lack of interest in usual activities
• Mood swings
• Lack of self-care (hygiene, appearance, etc.)
• Decreased school or job performance
• Lack of motivation
• Not caring about things they used to care about
• Self- harm
• Verbal or physical aggression
• Increased interest in dangerous or life-threatening activities
• Substance abuse
• Engaging in unsafe sexual practices
• Hanging with a new group of friends that encourages negative behaviors
• Attention-seeking or validation-seeking behaviors

Unhealthy Sexualized Behaviors (Dependent on Age and Development)

Sex can be an uncomfortable conversation to have with your child. In fact, a lot of parents avoid the topic of sex altogether. The danger in doing that is that you are making your child more vulnerable to victimization. Sex is a natural desire that children will become curious about especially as they get older and begin to mature.

However, healthy curiosity differs by age. Therefore, educating yourself on healthy development is crucial to make sure you do not underreact or overreact to your child’s curiosity. For example, your four-year-old may be curious about his baby sister’s vagina and may even try to touch it. This is a natural curiosity, and he should be taught that he is not supposed to touch private parts.

However, if that same four-year-old is trying to penetrate his sister, that is taught behavior, meaning he has been exposed to something he shouldn’t have and should be taught appropriate touch. In addition to being taught appropriate touch, you should have a conversation with your child to see if you can pinpoint where he may have learned that behavior.

Talking with your child about sex and normalizing that natural desire can help them talk through hard conversations about things that could have happened to them. A child is not going to open up if they do not feel safe. Creating a normal environment of felt safety will be the best way to help your child stay safe.

Finally, as adults, we must remember to take care of ourselves. We cannot effectively pour into our children if we do not replenish our cup first. The behaviors mentioned in this article are incredibly difficult to navigate and if you are a single parent, it is even more difficult. If you decide to seek a therapist, be sure to be involved in the treatment.

The therapist will not be able to “fix your child or the issue.” The younger the child, the more involved the parents need to be. If I were your therapist, I would require that the parent be involved. I do not believe in “fixing” anybody. People are not broken; they are misguided and/or hurting. Book a session with me so we can talk through more ways I can support you and your family.