7 Ways That Childhood Trauma Can Appear in Your Adult Life

You might have realized by now that the past has a way of affecting the present. Childhood trauma can follow you and affect your relationships and friendships later in life.

You might only be beginning to connect the dots between your behavior now and what happened in the past, but that is the first step to facing and overcoming trauma. You can’t change what has already happened, but you can work to become a healthier version of yourself, despite what you went through.

7 Ways That Childhood Trauma Can Appear in Your Adult Life

1.You have constant feelings of guilt

A feeling of guilt or dread can become so routine that you don’t even wonder why you’re feeling that way. You might feel guilty about how you’re using your free time or how you are performing everyday tasks like laundry or cleaning. It might be certain boundaries you’ve recently set that have you feeling guilty. Constant guilt might be accompanied by the voice of a parent in your head, criticizing and berating you as you go about your day.

This is not an uncommon experience, but it is undoubtedly linked to trauma, whether from childhood or something you went through recently. If you grew up in an environment where there were stern expectations of you, where it felt like you could never please or satisfy those around you, you will carry that sense of failure with you.

You might even end up in romantic relationships or work environments where you continue to feel like a failure in ways. Living with constant feelings of guilt is crippling to your self-esteem. Many people give up trying to achieve anything. This is something you will need to face if you are to heal and move on from the past.

2. You are unable to accept praise or compliments

Few people know how to respond appropriately to compliments and praise. It can be uncomfortable to get any kind of attention, even when it’s positive. You may not know how to react to it.

This doesn’t mean you have unresolved trauma in your past; it might simply mean that you need to work on communication. However, certain people reject any praise, even simple compliments. They might be in the habit of putting themselves down and underplaying their achievements.

In a scene from the film Eight Mile, rapper Eminem gets on the microphone in a room full of concertgoers and proceeds to insult himself in the form of a rap song. He thinks that if he says all these things about himself before the rival artists get their turn on the mic, they will have nothing to say against him.

This is precisely the same mindset that traumatized people have. They are so used to having their flaws and failures pointed out that it feels uncomfortable to receive praise. The things we say about ourselves aloud often reflect the things we think privately.

3. You struggle with boundaries

A common form of childhood trauma is growing up in a home that had no boundaries. You might have been traumatized by neglectful caregivers who didn’t make any rules. You might not have had a bedtime, might have been allowed to watch anything you wanted on television, and had almost no punishment for wrongdoing since there were no rules. This is a form of neglect and will result in trauma and an inability to set boundaries as an adult.

On the other hand, maybe your parents were strict, controlling, and quick to punish wrongdoing. Perhaps you weren’t allowed your own space, had a parent who would read your diaries, or had caregivers who never entrusted you with anything.

This would have traumatized you into believing that you don’t deserve privacy and can’t be trusted with important tasks. This would also impact your ability to create boundaries because you only experienced boundaries that went one way, in favor of your parents.

4. You are dismissive of your feelings

There is an old saying that goes “Children should be seen and not heard.” Sadly, many people enforce this as a value, whether or not they know that’s what they are doing. By ignoring their children’s emotions, preferences, and experiences, they are communicating that a child’s feelings and experiences do not matter. Their children will grow up neither being truly seen nor heard.

If that was your experience as a child, then the chances are that you are dismissive of your feelings, preferences, points of view, and experiences now as an adult. This shows that you struggle to value yourself appropriately, maybe because you weren’t valued as a child or in a previous relationship. You might be beginning to see how deeply your self-worth was affected by the things you went through in childhood.

5. You apologize for everything

Some people struggle to acknowledge their part in any wrongdoing, and you will never hear them say, “I’m sorry.” It doesn’t take a psychologist to recognize this as a toxic trait. However, just as concerning is the tendency to apologize for everything. For some, this is a survival instinct and is often part of how they navigated trauma in the past.

Some children learn to insert themselves between their fighting parents, taking the blame for things to calm the conflict. Although this is a way to cope with living in an emotionally disruptive environment, it is unhealthy. It will continue in all future relationships if left unchecked. Over-apologizing is not only used to calm conflict but can also be a way to pacify aggressors, avoid accountability, or silence criticism.

6. You overwork to prove yourself

Trauma shows up in many ways, but the one thing every traumatized person has in common is low self-esteem. Abusing, neglecting, or abandoning a child communicates that they are worth little to the ones who should be protecting and loving them. The child receives that message at a level so deep that it might take years to uncover the truth. They might seem secure and even confident on the surface, but their actions tell a different story.

You see low self-esteem in the person who uses humor to win people’s affections. It is apparent in the person whose goal is to achieve more, own more, or serve more. It is behind the smiles of the most earnest friends, in the work of the most zealous employees, and apparent in every gift from a dedicated spouse.

People touched by trauma will often feel as if they must work, serve, give, or else charm others into seeing their value. It can be a tender topic to talk about since it is a core issue.

7. You are hyper-independent

People might look to their relationships, friendships, or jobs to give them value and heal past hurts, or they might look to themselves, avoiding attachments as far as possible. Independence is a healthy thing to aspire to and shouldn’t be viewed as a red flag. However, hyper-independence is often an indication that a person has trust issues and likely is afraid of abandonment.

Traumatized children often have to grow up quickly. Neglected children learn to be self-reliant to survive, just as many abused children are exposed to things far beyond their maturity level. Trauma can teach people that the only person who can be trusted to provide, protect, and show up for them is themselves.

It could mean that they struggle to accept help as adults, whether over minor or important issues. The person who must always be the giver but never the receiver is someone whose ability to trust has been damaged.

Trauma affects us in ways we don’t even realize, but it is possible to learn how we have been affected and to begin freeing ourselves from its effects. If you have read this and thought at any point, “Oh no – this is me, and I need help,” the good news is that help is available. We can connect you with a counselor who will help you for as long as you need. Contact our offices today, and we can begin the process of finding you the right counselor.