Frequently Asked Questions About Toxic Marriage

We are all imperfect human beings with flaws and weaknesses. All relationships have their ups and downs. Over time there are bound to be arguments and frustrations, intimacy may wax and wane, and your spouse may seem boring or exhibit annoying behavior, but that does not necessarily mean you’re in a toxic marriage.

At the heart of any great relationship is partnership. . . . If you’re dealing with an opponent instead of a partner, that’s toxic. – Wendy Newman

A healthy marriage is built on trust, cooperation, and open, honest communication that enables you and your spouse to talk through issues respectfully. Both of you are willing to accept some of the responsibility when things go wrong, and to look at things from your partner’s perspective.

In a healthy marriage, spouses do not often get unpredictably upset over minor issues. They care about each other’s well-being, try to meet one another’s needs, and provide each other with emotional support.

What is the difference between a difficult marriage and a toxic marriage?

The main difference between a toxic marriage and a difficult one is that you can grow in a difficult marriage and learn to become more patient, understanding, and unassuming. In a toxic marriage, however, spouses do not support one another, and the discord goes far beyond an occasional rough patch.

A toxic marriage is destructive and damaging to your physical health as well as to your mental and emotional well-being. It is marked by persistent conflict, disrespect, and attacks on your character as your spouse frequently tries to undermine you. Negative experiences far outweigh any positive ones, and you feel as though you are being destroyed.

What are the signs of a toxic marriage?

You may experience any or all of these signs:

The relationship feels draining You feel as though your relationship takes the life out of you. For example, your spouse is constantly attacking you and trying to control every aspect of your life, and nothing you do ever seems good enough. Every attempt you make to try and express your thoughts or feelings is exhausting because your spouse doesn’t listen or doesn’t seem to care. Eventually you may give up trying because it does not seem worth the effort.

You feel powerless and disrespected You feel as though you have no control over any aspect of your marriage. Your spouse refuses to honor your requests or boundaries, is inconsiderate of your needs, and appears to have no interest in your comfort or security. You feel unheard, powerless, alone, and trapped in a hopeless situation.

Your thoughts and feelings are dismissed Your spouse is not interested in your opinions or feelings and belittles or dismisses them as stupid or silly when you try to express them. You feel worthless, devalued, and constantly judged.

You feel as though you are constantly walking on eggshells Practically every decision you make is based on trying to dodge a negative reaction, like criticism or an argument, from your spouse. There is no balance in the relationship, and his or her preferences, likes, and priorities supersede your own. Often it becomes easier to give in, and as a result, you may find yourself constantly apologize for the little things you said or did.

Your privacy and personal space are violated You feel as though you do not have any personal space. Your spouse tries to control your every move and expects you to report on what you are doing and where you are at all times. He or she may also eavesdrop on your conversations, rummage through your personal items, and check your e-mails, texts, and messages on social media.

You are the butt of jokes and jibes Your partner belittles you and takes cheap shots at you such as making hurtful little jibes about you in front of others, rolling his or her eyes at your comments, and making you the subject of put-downs disguised as passive-aggressive jokes. If you say anything about how it makes you feel, he or she accuses you of being overly sensitive or unable to take a joke.

Your spouse is physically or emotionally abusive Your relationship is explosive and filled with heated arguments, threats, and exchanges. You often feel scared and may worry about your safety.

Your efforts at self-improvement are sabotaged and belittled Any time you take steps to improve yourself, your spouse shames or ridicules you. They may even highlight your shortcomings, and try to discourage you.

You question your reality and sanity Many things don’t seem to add up, and/or you discover your spouse has been keeping secrets. If you turn to him or her for clarification, they gaslight you and make you feel crazy for expressing honest, true observations. He or she may insist that what you experienced didn’t really happen and accuse you of misunderstanding or blowing things out of proportion.

Your spouse tries to isolate you from friends and loved ones Your spouse tries to isolate you and limit your connections to others by cutting you off from your friends and family, so you have no support network and need to depend solely on him or her.

You rationalize your spouse’s behavior even when you know it is unacceptable Even when you know your spouse’s actions are wrong and are physically and emotionally depleting you, you rationalize their dysfunctional behavior because you are afraid of the unknown.

Why do people marry toxic individuals?

There are several reasons why people marry toxic individuals. One, for instance, is that toxic people are good at fooling others. At the beginning of the relationship, they can sweep you off your feet and make you feel as though you have found the man or woman of your dreams.

Other times it can be due to psychological conditioning that is a result of growing up in a toxic home with an abusive parent or primary caregiver who treated you the same way. You may subconsciously enter into a toxic relationship in an attempt to recreate a familiar pattern from your past.

A third reason is that you are so infatuated with the other person that you are blinded to their weaknesses, idealize strengths they don’t have, and create someone in your mind who does not exist. Or you may have a deep need for fulfillment and validation that can only come from being in a romantic relationship, no matter how destructive it may be, and think you can change the other person and make things work.

Can a toxic marriage be fixed?

Nothing is impossible with God. He can heal and restore anyone or anything. However, successful intervention usually requires drastic action.

So, a toxic marriage may be repairable if there is still some sense of love and respect between both spouses and a mutual desire to heal the marriage. They recognize there is a problem, they are willing to accept responsibility for their part in the issues, and they are both equally willing and committed to do whatever it takes to find a solution and learn how to permanently change their behaviors.

What should I do if I think I’m in a toxic marriage?

If you feel as though you are in a toxic marriage, turn to trusted friends, loved ones, or a trained mental health professional to gain their perspective on whether what you perceive is accurate from their perspective.

Marriage counseling can provide a safe, supportive space in which to openly and honestly address underlying issues under the guidance of an impartial, nonjudgmental marriage therapist who can help you understand the dynamics contributing to your toxic relationship, work through the challenges, and learn how to improve communication so you can rebuild your marriage.

In the case of physical abuse, however, it is important to safely remove yourself from the situation right away and seek help. Physical abuse can have severe consequences such as serious injury or even death and should never be tolerated.

If you would like to set up a risk-free appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors at our location, please give us a call today at Texas Christian Counseling.