Things to Know About Adult Attachment Styles in Relationships

As you look at your various relationships – with friends, colleagues, romantic partners, neighbors, or family members – do you see any patterns that exist there? As you make your way through life, one of the biggest favors you can do for yourself is to understand how you connect with other people. How you connect with and relate to other people has a profound impact on the health of your relationships, and that, in turn, affects your ability to flourish.

Our ability and desire to connect to other people are hardwired into us, but it’s not always easy to do. You might want to connect with others, but struggle because of poor communication skills. Part of you might desire to connect, but because you find relationships hard, that part of you might feel a little smothered.

A key idea to understand and come to grips with is attachment styles. This matters in all kinds of relationships at various stages of life, but you can probably make the most of it when you’re an adult and more aware of your own choices and their consequences.

Adult Attachment Styles: What are they?

Attachment styles play a significant role in how we relate to others, whether loved ones, friends, the people we work with, or even in our relationship with the Lord. An attachment style is the pattern that best describes the way you form emotional bonds with other people and how you behave toward others in those relationships.

The pattern you hold to is often established in early childhood. The interactions you had with your parents or caregivers at that stage of your life shaped you in ways you may not even realize. It influences how you handle conflict, the way you express your own and respond to the emotional needs of others, and it also affects how you perceive intimacy and vulnerability with others.

There are four primary attachment styles. These aren’t fixed throughout a person’s life. Different events and experiences can shift things, so it’s good to look at these styles as descriptive of who you are and how you relate to others, but they are not prescriptive or something that is fixed and immutable for the rest of your life.

The first attachment style is called “secure attachment.” This form of attachment is characterized by a person who can function independently of others in a healthy way. They are comfortable with intimacy with others, being able to share who they are, and trusting others around them. They are aware of their feelings and can effectively share these with the people around them without being manipulative or afraid they’ll not be seen or heard.

The second attachment style is the “anxious-preoccupied attachment” style. This describes a pattern where a person has a strong desire for connection, to trust, and to be vulnerable with others, but that desire is accompanied by anxiety. The anxiety they have is about the possibility of being rejected or abandoned by the people they open themselves to. It makes the process of connecting one that feels fraught with danger.

The third attachment style is the “dismissive-avoidant attachment” style. In this style, the pattern is one of maintaining emotional distance from others and avoiding intimacy with other people. One prioritizes being independent and self-reliant, instead of functioning with a healthy interdependence with others. Relationships and their importance are minimized, and a cool detachment from others is the typical stance of this style.

Lastly, there is the “fearful-avoidant attachment” style. In this attachment style, the pattern is one of exhibiting a mixture between fearing intimacy and vulnerability, but also seeking out closeness with others. There is a fear of rejection and abandonment at play, which leads to difficulty trusting others. One of the marks of this attachment style is unpredictable behavior, like sudden anger or withdrawal.

There is another attachment style that is somewhat similar to the fearful-avoidant style, and it is referred to as the “disorganized-disoriented attachment” style. This style is often the result of traumatic experiences, and it often results in difficulties regulating one’s emotions and being able to respond consistently toward others.

The Underlying Causes of Different Attachment Styles

Where do these different attachment styles come from? It’s already been hinted at, but a person’s attachment style is typically informed by the experiences that they have in childhood, but also later in life. Attachment styles typically develop in the early childhood phase of life, and the main factor that influences them is how their caregivers respond to them and their needs.

If a child has a parent or caregiver who is present, attentive, responsive, and who meets the needs of the child consistently, it will have a huge impact on that child’s attachment style. An environment of nurture and care will likely foster a secure attachment style. On the other hand, if there’s inconsistency, trauma, or neglect, that will likely lead to one of the insecure attachment styles.

An important thing to keep in mind about attachment styles is that they aren’t fixed realities that can never change. Just as certain influential life experiences can shape a person’s attachment style, other life experiences, such as taking stock of your life through personal reflection, being rooted deeper in Christ, and cultivating a living and maturing relationship with Him, can help reshape your attachment style over time.

The Impact of Attachment Styles on Relationships

When you meet someone and interact with them, you come to that situation with expectations and a posture. You might be afraid to share things about yourself, and that could make it hard for them to know you. You could feel quite comfortable in your own skin and able to share your thoughts and feelings about things without qualms, while also being able to pick up their cues and respond meaningfully to them.

Your attachment style affects how you navigate adult relationships. For instance, if you’re a securely attached individual, you may find it easier to trust and to communicate your feelings and thoughts effectively. You can be direct about how you feel without being evasive, as that’s the best way to be heard and for your needs to be met. This will likely result in a balanced as well as fulfilling relationship.

A person who has an anxious-preoccupied style might find themselves constantly seeking reassurance from their partner that the relationship is secure, and everything is okay. They may struggle with a deep-seated fear of abandonment, and jealousy might also be an issue they wrestle with. For their partner, they may find it challenging to reassure their loved one of their care, and their clinginess may become exhausting.

Dismissive-avoidant individuals who prioritize their independence over being close to others can seem cold and dismissive of their partner and their needs. This can make for a difficult relationship with poor intimacy, and their partner may be compelled to suppress their emotional needs or seek other avenues to have them met.

A fearful-avoidant person may grapple with conflicting desires in themselves – they want to be close to their loved one, but they are also afraid of getting hurt. They may find themselves drawing near and then pulling away when things feel too real and there’s a real chance of getting hurt. The result is that their partner never quite knows where they stand, and the relationship can become quite an emotionally turbulent one.

In everyday situations, attachment styles play a role in how actions are perceived, and the kinds of responses people give to others they are in a relationship with. So, when Seth, who has an anxious attachment style, doesn’t get a prompt response from Kathryn when he texts her, he feels distressed and reads it as a sign of rejection. This can pose a challenge in their relationship, but it’s possible to overcome these unhealthy patterns.

Adapting or Changing Attachment Styles

Attachment styles can change. This is absolutely good news, particularly if your early experiences laid a foundation for an insecure attachment style. Personal growth and change are possible, and you can form healthier patterns of attachment. Some ways to turn things around include the following:

Self-awareness and reflection A good first step is understanding your attachment style. Reflect on past relationships, talk to loved ones, and recognize any patterns in how you do things.

Pursue healthy relationships When you engage with secure, supportive relationships, these can help you form a new relationship map by modeling and reinforcing healthy attachment behaviors.

Being rooted deeper in Christ The transformation of your mind and maturity that comes from walking with the Lord consistently can help turn things around in our lives (Romans 12:1-2; Ephesians 4:11-32; Galatians 5:13-25).

Deepening your relationship with God can transform your attachment patterns. Reflecting on Scriptures such as Psalm 27:10 or Deuteronomy 31:6 can be helpful and grounding reminders of God’s unwavering presence.

Seek professional support Through Christian counseling, you can begin forming healthy attachment patterns and relationships. Counseling provides a safe space to explore attachment issues, gain insight into your patterns of relating to others, and gain the tools you need to build healthier relationships.

For more information and to schedule an appointment with one of the counselors at our location, contact us today. Talk with a counselor to begin walking toward deeper, more fulfilling relationships.