Toxic Couples: Finding Healing for a Broken Relationship Dynamic

If you’re in a healthy relationship, you’ll typically experience the freedom of being the best version of your flawed self. Healthy relationships are spaces of mutual acceptance and appreciation, nurture, respect, and loving each other enough to be honest and not tolerate the things that undermine who we are as image-bearers of the living God (1 Corinthians 13). Being in healthy relationships is an amazing and fulfilling thing.

Some relationships can be found on the other end of the spectrum, and they are often referred to as toxic relationships. These relationships come in different shapes and sizes, and they can be between a couple, a parent and their child, between friends, or between siblings.

Though the dynamics may differ from situation to situation, at the heart of a toxic relationship is a pattern of behavior that undermines well-being and diminishes others in some way.

The Way of Toxic Couples

Romantic relationships can plumb the depths of our souls, bringing out a range of emotions, thoughts, and experiences that aren’t easily mirrored or replicated in other relationships. Romantic relationships are often the places where we are at our most vulnerable as we share the entirety of ourselves with a loved one. When a toxic dynamic invades or becomes part of the fabric of a relationship, it warps a beautiful thing into a painful reality.

Toxic dynamics between a couple can be manifested in several different ways. It’s also true that a couple can be toxic in how they interact with others as a couple. Some couples may be nice enough to one another, but they have an outlook that leads them to behave dreadfully toward other people. As such, toxic couples can have toxic dynamics in their relationship, but they can also behave in unhealthy ways toward others.

Toxic behaviors can take the form of emotional abuse, and these behaviors can include belittling, constantly criticizing each other, dismissing one another’s feelings, and humiliating or putting each other down. The relationship can also be codependent, meaning that the couple enables and reinforces unhealthy behaviors due to their inability to draw meaningful boundaries with one another.

Lastly, a romantic relationship can have an internal dynamic of manipulation or the use of manipulative behaviors such as gaslighting, using guilt or self-pity, or anger to emotionally manipulate each other, or other forms of emotional blackmail. These may work as different ways to exert control over each other’s behavior.

A toxic couple may also be toxic toward other people. This can happen in several ways, too, including taking up an ‘us versus them’ mindset that perceives others as enemies or antagonists. The couple may also view themselves as superior to others around them, resulting in behaviors like mocking or belittling those they perceive as inferior. The couple can also steep themselves in other toxic relationships, which reinforce unhealthy behaviors or attitudes.

As one makes their way in the world, they may encounter different kinds of toxic couples. Some couples perpetually present themselves as victims, using self-pity or guilt to manipulate and control others. There are mean couples who traffic in mocking others, using sarcasm or humor to mask their unhealthy behavior. Some couples believe they are superior to others on account of their intelligence, accomplishments, or social status.

Discerning the signs of toxic behaviors can help a couple identify patterns that can damage their relationship and affect how they interact with others.

Signs of Toxic Behaviors in Relationships

The way of love that 1 Corinthians 13 speaks about can nurture relationships and help people to flourish. Toxic behaviors, on the other hand, undermine well-being and are unloving toward others. Some signs of toxic behaviors that a couple may exhibit toward each other and others include the following:

A lack of respect Not respecting each other’s boundaries, opinions, or feelings is a clear sign of toxic behavior. Disregarding others’ boundaries or personal space by being intrusive or pushy is unhealthy both in the relationship and toward other people.

Belittling and criticism Our words are meant to build others up, not tear them down (Ephesians 4:29). If they frequently belittle or criticize each other in private or in front of others, that is a form of toxic behavior. Displays of disrespect or contempt for each other in public, by embarrassing or humiliating each other, aren’t healthy ways of interacting.

Manipulation Gaslighting is when a person denies past conversations, shifts blame onto others, minimizes the impact of their actions, or projects their negative behaviors onto others. This form of manipulation can include guilt-tripping, coercion, or emotional blackmail, which are forms of emotional abuse.

Frequent arguing The couple frequently fights or argues between themselves or with other people, whether with raised voices or aggressive behaviors included.

Lack of empathy Empathy is when you can see, understand, and have a concern for another person’s well-being or feelings. It’s a way of stepping into their shoes and seeing things from their perspective. A lack of empathy toward one’s partner or other people can be toxic.

Gossip The couple gossips or speaks negatively about others and is marked with malicious intent.

Jealousy, possessiveness, isolation A couple may isolate themselves from others, or one partner will try to control who their counterpart interacts with. Jealousy or possessiveness, especially when it’s linked to controlling behaviors like monitoring their movements or interactions with others, can indicate toxic behavior.

As you interact with others, including couples, there are some key indicators to be aware of. You might feel drained or deeply uncomfortable after spending time with them. You may find that you do things you don’t want to do, as they may be manipulative. They are overly critical of others, including you, making you feel self-conscious around them. They may also refuse to be accountable or apologize for hurting others.

You may see these signs in yourself and your relationship, or you may have experienced these issues in a relationship with another couple. This is the time to set healthy boundaries and make your own well-being a priority.

Possible Reasons for Toxic Behaviors

When a couple has a toxic dynamic between each other or toward others outside their relationship, they may be mimicking patterns of behavior that were modeled to them, and which shape their understanding of relationships.

Unresolved past trauma or attachment issues that stem from adverse experiences can result in unhealthy relationship patterns that are deeply damaging to them and others.

Another possible factor is when there’s a lack of emotional intelligence. When a couple or an individual has difficulty understanding or recognizing their own emotions or those of others, that can lead to conflict and other issues. In the same way, when an individual can’t manage or regulate their own emotions, interactions may be difficult and are often laced with reactivity, further inflaming and prolonging conflict.

Toxic behaviors can also thrive in situations where there are imbalances in power, influence, or control. Instead of using that power to serve others (Mark 10:45), an individual or a couple might use their influence to serve themselves without regard to the well-being of others.

The Impact of Toxic Couple Dynamics

When a couple is toxic, those unhealthy behaviors harm them as well as others. Relationships can be damaged, sometimes irreparably, because of selfishness, constant criticism, disrespecting boundaries, and a lack of empathy.

When you spend time with a toxic couple, one of the results is experiencing emotional distress, being hypervigilant with feelings of anxiety, and an increased risk of mental health challenges such as depression.

For the couple, being toxic among themselves and toward others can be isolating and cause them to lose social connection with others. Without those connections for support, encouragement, and being challenged toward better things, the situation could deteriorate with time.

Strategies to Change Toxic Dynamics in a Relationship

If a couple finds themselves enmeshed in a toxic dynamic toward each other or people outside their relationship, it’s not an immutable situation. The Lord can help a couple find healing, change, and become the people He intends them to be. Unhealthy patterns can be broken, and new ones adopted. Some steps and strategies to effect change in a couple’s toxic dynamics include:

Self-reflection to promote awareness of the toxic patterns and how each partner contributes to the dynamic. This can also help the couple to identify triggers for these behaviors.

Fostering a growth mindset This allows the couple to be open to learning new things, so that they can change their relationship for the better.

Setting healthy boundaries One way to begin building mutual respect is to establish and maintain boundaries.

Seeking professional help Couples counseling or therapy can be a valuable resource for a couple seeking change. Your counselor or therapist provides you with a guided and safe environment to talk through the issues underlying the toxic behaviors.

With their guidance, you can develop healthier relationship patterns, practice communication skills such as active listening and empathy, and learn how to resolve conflict constructively and respectfully.

To learn more and to schedule an appointment with one of the therapists in our network, contact us today.