What to Do with Childhood Emotional Neglect as an Adult 

A common misconception is that the things we experienced as children can affect us as adults. However, that is exactly the case for so many. From a child’s perspective, neglect does not always feel harmful when it is happening, and they might not show signs of being affected by their environment.

Neglect does not leave literal scars, but it shapes our belief systems. It is only decades later that childhood emotional neglect begins affecting us, leaving us unsure of what to do about it.

Latchkey Love

In the 1970s and ’80s, a new term emerged to describe many children of the generation. “Latchkey kids” were children as young as eight or nine, whose hard-working parents entrusted them with the front door key on a chain around their necks. The parents would often leave for work before their children started school and return from work late in the evening.

Latchkey kids would sometimes make their breakfast, go to school alone or with siblings, and return to an empty house after school. This lifestyle might have been by necessity rather than choice, but the key around each little neck was a symbol of both independence and possible emotional neglect.

The times might have changed, and schools might require a lot more involvement from parents now, but that does not mean kids born in later generations did not experience emotional neglect. Latchkey kids are, in a way, the perfect example of emotional neglect because of how normalized neglect often is.

When you are a child, you have a limited frame of reference for what is normal. We grow up believing that our family system is common to those around us, and we typically do not question it. It is only as you age that you start to realize that other families did or do things differently, and that maybe things at home are not quite right.

Where abuse is specific acts being done, neglect is about what is not being done. Emotional neglect occurs in silence, loneliness, fear, and lack of something that needs to be done. Emotional neglect often happens out of necessity and can be unintentional, but it amounts to caretakers who did not take into consideration the whole needs of a child. It can also be a pattern.

Children who experience emotional neglect often grow up to become neglectful parents decades later, because silence, loneliness, independence, or whatever was experienced was a normal experience for them. Many parents do not intend to be emotionally neglectful; they are simply doing what was done to them.

Silence That Echoes

The effects of neglect begin as small ripples when we are young, but become large waves as we grow up. For example, a young boy who walked by himself to and from school each day, who had to entertain himself for hours on end until his parents were home, and who had no one available to share in his daily discoveries, becomes self-reliant and independent in no time. However, this independence and self-reliance are not by choice and was a coping skill.

When self-reliance, resilience, and independence are a child’s defining qualities, they will have problems trusting or relying on others when they are older. When you have been self-reliant for three decades, it’s incredibly hard to learn that you need people as an adult.

Neglect leaves repeating patterns etched into our behavior. Perhaps we look back and miss the instances of emotional neglect because we simply had to cope and adjust, and we did that well. Our parents might have told others things like, “She’s such an independent little person,” and hearing that might have felt as if it were a compliment.

Now, however, maybe the reason we are struggling with intimacy, making friends, or being a team player at work is because of the way emotional neglect has molded us. Maybe some of the attributes we are proudest of were the survival skills we learned in the silence and emptiness of our childhood.

Growing Pains

When we begin to address the instances of childhood emotional neglect that we experienced, it is common to feel guilty or be in denial about them. Not every neglectful parent was intentionally neglectful or a bad parent. In many cases, our parents were well-intentioned and overall good people.

One of the ways that we cope with neglect is to construct a narrative around our parents or provide them with excuses for the way they treated us. Our parents might have worked hard to put food on the table and to keep us in school at the same time, while being emotionally neglectful. They might have tried their best while still falling short in a few key areas. All of this can be true; they can exist together.

Confronting childhood neglect is not about making a long list of discrepancies to be used to confront our parents. In some cases, we can’t even do that, because our parents might not be with us anymore.

Processing the experiences we had in childhood is not always about placing blame; it is about recognizing them and working to overcome them. Identifying and processing childhood emotional neglect is about healing the parts of us that have secretly been hurting all these years.

Inside many of us is a child who took on too much responsibility at too young an age and can still feel overlooked and uncared for. There could be gaps in us that need filling and hurts that need to be addressed.

What To Do with Neglect as an Adult

The ability to process something comes from identifying if you, in fact, experienced it. Some common experiences with emotional neglect include, but are not limited to:

• You were taught to minimize your feelings.
• You had no one to share your experiences with, whether they were good or bad.
• You carried too much responsibility with no support from those around you.
• Your caretakers never followed up with any major event, even if only to show curiosity.
• You had no discipline or boundaries as a child.
• You were blamed when things went wrong, even if it was not your fault.
• You had to learn important life lessons from peers, their parents, or the media.
• You felt unsafe when you expressed your opinions or emotions.

If some or all of these experiences were your norm as a kid, you might face particular struggles that connect directly to these experiences. You might not be able to name or express your emotions now, either because you believe no one will care or because you lack emotional attunement. Simple confrontations might feel like conflict to you if you never had boundaries or lacked discipline as a kid.

Even now, you might struggle when it comes to asking for help, or you might be so self-reliant that you believe you do not need help. Despite being lonely and afraid, you tell yourself that you are fine and that you will get by because you always have.

“Getting by” is the language of being in survival mode. It is vastly different from thriving and being emotionally healthy. We cannot change the past, but we can begin to pay attention to what is happening right now and do what needs to be done so that it does not continue to affect our future.

Confronting childhood emotional neglect is a complex process that looks different to every person. Sadly, there is no tutorial to follow that will tell us exactly how to fill the gaps from our past.

At our core, many of us need to know that we matter. Our experiences have been valuable, our insights profound, and our unique perspectives are vital. Our emotions are valid, whatever they look like. Though we might have developed unique coping skills due to being on our own, we might not need those skills to navigate adulthood. We did incredibly well to make it to where we are, but now we can begin to find different ways to approach life.

Besides your emotions, perspectives, and experiences being valid and valuable, you also have needs. It’s healthy to acknowledge them. They do not make you weak; they mean that you are human. There might be a long way to go before you feel seen, heard, and valued, but you can start that journey today. You are worth the work it will take to heal.

Few of us can process what has happened to us alone. It often takes someone else’s insight and care for us to work things out. If you would like to meet with a counselor as part of your healing process, please reach out to us. We can connect you with someone who can help.