How to Stem Codependency in Friendships

In his book The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis wrote, “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” Our lives are made richer by our friendships, and they are sources of growth, joy, and mutual respect. These “unnecessary” relationships provide us with the support we need, making life a more beautiful venture.

While recognizing the value of friendships and how they nurture us, it’s also important to understand that things can and do go wrong in friendships. Boundaries can become blurred in those relationships, and emotional reliance on one another can become excessive. This has the potential to lead a relationship into codependency, which can strain and damage the relationship in the short and long term.

Understanding Codependency in Friendships

Friends rely on each other for a lot of things, including emotional support, encouragement, wisdom when making challenging decisions, and just enjoying life together. Through the many ups and downs that life presents, your friends are the people who go with you on that journey. This is how friendship works Mutual dependence between friends is one thing, but codependency goes over the line in a few significant ways.

So, what does codependency between friends look like? Codependency is an unhealthy emotional reliance on another person. This can look like one or both friends feeling like they are ultimately responsible for the other’s decisions, happiness, or sense of self-worth. No one can be responsible for another in the way a codependent relationship function.

What happens in a codependent relationship is that the boundaries are blurred, and the two people become enmeshed in each other. They aren’t operating out of their sense of identity and individuality; instead, who they are becomes too closely tied to each other. They become too reliant on each other, being unable to function independently.

When and how does codependency begin in a friendship? Two friends can start on healthy footing, but things can change with time. Perhaps one friend gets into a jam, and the other helps them out, and that dynamic persists from there. One issue or situation becomes two or more, and the friendship can enter a pattern of codependency.

In many other cases, codependency is already lurking in the wings due to learned behaviors from one’s family dynamics. If one or both friends have unresolved emotional needs, past experiences of inconsistency or neglect in relationships, a fear of abandonment, and early patterns of caretaking, these can all play a part in the friendship becoming codependent. These patterns can inform the friendship and become how the friendship begins to operate.

A friendship can become codependent as the friends either consciously or unconsciously reinforce certain roles that may be familiar, but ultimately unhealthy. One might be used to being helped or rescued, while the other tends to swoop in and fix. This can be the prelude to the relationship drifting into codependency.

Signs of Codependent Friendships

Codependency can seem innocuous, like one friend who is stepping in to help the other, which has the potential to cause confusion. Isn’t that what friends are supposed to do? Aren’t friends supposed to experience what their counterpart feels? The problem with codependency is that it takes these natural impulses to help or assist and takes them up to an unhealthy level. So, how do we know if we are truly experiencing codependency in a friendship?

Here are some signs of codependency to be aware of:

Emotional Exhaustion or feeling drained after interactions with your friend, as though maintaining the friendship is a heavy obligation.

Imbalanced Support or an unequal dynamic. In a codependent dynamic, one friend can assume the role of rescuer, while the other remains perpetually dependent. One finds themselves in trouble, and their friend will invariably step in to help them.

A Lack of Boundaries When a person has difficulty saying “no” to requests made of them, or they feel guilty when they set limits for themselves, that could be signs of codependency. This can present itself in a friendship if one finds themselves overcommitting themselves to meet their friend’s needs.

A Constant Need for Approval Another sign of codependency is that one friend continually seeks validation from the other, and they have an increased fear of rejection or disapproval of their friend.

Fear of Conflict One of the results of codependent behaviors is avoiding disagreements at all costs to maintain harmony, even if such avoidance leads to great personal discomfort.

Personal Neglect Another sign of codependency is when an individual sacrifices their own well-being, interests, needs, or other relationships to prioritize their friend. Neglecting one’s own needs to meet another’s can be a sign of codependency.

Over-Identifying When a friend defines their identity through the friendship, they may struggle to function independently. That might look like not being able to make decisions without the other person’s input, not being able to hold independent opinions, or have opinions that contradict their friend’s thoughts.

Being Possessive or Jealous Codependency could be at the root of feeling threatened by a friend’s other relationships or interests.

Guilt-Based Obligations If you find yourself maintaining the friendship out of a sense of guilt rather than genuine connection or enjoyment, that could be an indicator of a codependent dynamic.

How to Stem Codependency in Friendships

A person who is experiencing a codependent friendship might experience significant strain in the relationship. Being friends with someone out of a sense of guilt, ignoring your needs to meet theirs, being controlled or feeling “managed” by your friend, and emotional exhaustion may all result in resentment, relationship burnout, and the sense that you’re losing yourself. However, all hope is not lost and there are some things that you can do to help your friendship.

Self-reflect Our lives need self-examination to help us identify the areas where things might not be going well and providing space to self-correct the things that hinder flourishing. Do yourself the favor of regularly assessing how you feel in your friendships. As you interact with your friend, ask yourself if you feel comfortable, if you feel respected, and if you’re being your authentic self. Is the relationship mostly enjoyable?

Identify red flags Being able to pick out red flags, or unhealthy behaviors, is a must. Some of these include feelings of guilt, signs of emotional exhaustion after interactions, or being resentful of your friend. If you experience these things, it might be a cue to pause and evaluate the relationship.

Have open communication It’s important that you and your friend have open and honest conversations with each other about the dynamics of your relationship. Such honesty is essential for fostering understanding and cultivating a strong relationship.

Nurture independence Your personal identity matters and taking steps to cultivate it is ultimately beneficial to you and your relationships. After all, a good friend should want you to be the best version of you that the Lord intended for His glory. Doing things like maintaining interests, hobbies, and relationships outside the friendship are key to nurturing and preserving that sense of independence and personal identity.

Set clear boundaries Another way to nurture personal identity and lead a way for a healthy relationship is to set clear boundaries. Your boundaries are your limits. They indicate the things that make you who you are, what matters to you, and the ways you flourish. You can have boundaries around money, time, your car, your body, and your social media presence, to name a few. Setting healthy boundaries which protect your needs and respect your friend’s limits are ways to nurture friendship.

Recovering from Codependent Tendencies

When you’ve been in a friendship for a while, or any relationship for that matter, resetting the dynamics can feel like an uphill battle. However, it’s possible for a friendship to recover from codependency. For healing from codependent tendencies, it helps to have mutual awareness and an acknowledgment of how unhealthy the dynamic is in the friendship.

Friends who are serious about turning things around can find it helpful to redefine their roles in the relationship. Instead of one being rescued and the other performing the role of rescuer, start shifting toward being equal partners who can support each other without becoming enmeshed or sacrificing your autonomy and individuality.

Encourage each other’s independence and try to balance emotional support with personal responsibility. It can be done by focusing on growth in the relationship rather than blame.

As you make these changes, remember that it takes time to change things. The dynamics in your relationship may have taken years to establish, and things don’t change overnight. Extend grace toward yourself and toward each other as you find your way in the new relationship dynamic.

Codependency may have multiple causes, some of which extend back to the past and one’s formative childhood experiences. Whether you do individual, joint, or group counseling, finding support from a professional counselor is a good next step. Counseling can help you explore the issues, experiences, and patterns that feed your codependency. Your counselor can also help you develop healthier patterns of relating to others and yourself.

If you are ready to meet with a therapist, call our offices today. We will make an appointment for you with one of the Christian counselors in our practice. You can begin to overcome codependency in your relationships.