What is Forgiveness, Really? A Christian Counselor Explains

Love is an endless act of forgiveness. Forgiveness is me giving up the right to hurt you for hurting me. – Beyoncé

This quote by Beyoncé always speaks volumes to me when it comes to the reality of forgiveness. Often, forgiveness is only needed because we were hurt by the words or actions of someone we value. Whether that is a friend, a family member, a significant other, a teacher, a pastor, etc., it was someone that we held in high regard.

This hurt caused us enough pain to at times retaliate or at least think of retaliation. A person who is healed from a past transgression does not seek revenge. So, what is forgiveness, really? Forgiveness is the act of freeing yourself from the burden of resentment.

This is sometimes confused with excusing harmful behavior, pretending it does not exist, or sweeping it under the rug, but it is actually the contrary. Forgiveness is about acknowledging and working through the pain and making the conscious choice to release the hold that the pain has on our heart and in our spirit.

Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. – 1 Corinthians 13:5, NIV

When the topic of forgiveness is brought up, the thought of letting it go, or reconciliation, is not far behind. Have you ever heard of the saying “I will forgive them, but I will never forget what they did”? While I understand the hurt behind this statement, that may not be true love or forgiveness. Love does not typically keep a record of wrongdoing.

I am not telling you that it is wrong to refuse to forget, but it is wrong to continue a relationship with the promise of reconciliation when your mindset is to keep a record of the offense. It should be noted that forgiveness can happen without reconciliation.

Forgiveness is the inner act of letting go of the hurt and pain that was caused. Reconciliation is choosing to rebuild trust in the relationship. If you plan to hold this wrongdoing in the back of your mind, then there is no point in putting the person through this process of reconciliation. More importantly, there is no point in putting yourself through this painful process.

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. – Colossians 3:13

Remember that there are various aspects to forgiveness. If you are a spiritual person, you understand that the choice to forgive is a reflection of God’s extension of grace and mercy. In the same way we want to be forgiven for our sins, we must extend the same courtesy.

Another aspect of forgiveness is the psychological effects it has on your brain. When you choose to forgive, it reduces unnecessary stressors, lifting emotional weights in your inner psyche. Lastly, it helps strengthen your relational capabilities. Holding on to that baggage will begin to reflect in your relationships with others. Think about the words sung by Erykah Badu: “Bag lady, you gone hurt your back / Draggin’ all them bags like that / I guess nobody ever told you / All you must hold onto / Is you, is you, is you.”

She is wisely advising a woman to let go of the past hurts, or else they will begin to affect her present relationship. Her partner will begin to feel crowded, dealing not only with his own baggage but also with all the baggage she is bringing into their relationship.

Think about it, how fair is it for one to carry emotional baggage from one romantic partner to the next? You start to have various issues in the relationship, such as problems with trust, because you have not let go of what the past partner has done to you. Holding on to unforgiveness creates relational barriers that you will eventually pay for in your future and existing relationships with others.

The Psychology of Forgiveness

Just like the heart pumps blood through our veins for the organs in our bodies to function properly, the brain also plays a crucial role in the functions of the body. Forgiveness sits on the brain just as heavily as it sits on the heart. When you have both the heart and the mind not functioning properly, that is a dangerous situation.

When a person you care about betrays you, they trigger a chain of events in your body. Have you ever gotten hurt by a person you care about and felt that sharp pinch in your heart? Almost like you felt your heart crack or, in some cases, literally break. That is your brain interpreting a threat both emotionally and neurologically.

Your amygdala (responsible for emotional processing) is activated, tagging the hurt as dangerous. The hippocampus (responsible for memory storage) then stores the hurt as a memory with emotional intensity.

The prefrontal cortex (responsible for managing thinking, emotions, and behaviors by using executive functions) will try to make sense of the hurt, but unfortunately fails because your body’s survival instincts kick in, causing that fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. This is why the process of forgiveness takes time. It is not just a decision you can make lightly. It is the process of a neurobiological shift from threat to safety.

For that shift to begin, the nervous system needs to begin to feel safe again. However, the brain will try to protect you by reminding you of the pain that was associated with the hurt or betrayal. It believes that making you remember will keep you from getting hurt again. Think if you stub your toe on the corner of your bed, you become more aware of it because your brain reminds you of the pain associated with it.

The same goes for betrayal: “If I don’t forget it, I won’t get hurt again.” Often this results in rumination or replaying the wound. This is your prefrontal cortex trying to make sense of the betrayal so that it can predict the future danger, restore your control, and reclaim some of your power.

Rumination keeps your brain in constant activation, which stunts the forgiveness process. A great way to interrupt the loop of rumination is to shift your focus from “Why did this happen?” to “How can I heal?”

What is The Point of Forgiveness?

This leaves the question of why we should forgive. What is the point? Nelson Mandela stated, “Holding unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Unforgiveness is a slow, lethal poison that seeps into your veins and kills your spirit if left untreated. Your emotional health takes a major blow. It drains your positive energy like a billion mosquitoes taking turns draining your blood.

The basic answer to the question “Why forgive?” is so that you can live. The point of forgiveness is to let go of the past and step into your future. To release the emotional debt that has you in a chokehold. When you forgive, you are actively self-liberating from baggage that is dragging you down, such as resentment, rumination, or even emotional captivity.

When you forgive, it is the choice (not the feeling) you make over and over again on your road to getting your peace back. Forgiveness is a process that takes effort, time, and most of all patience. It is not an easy task, especially depending on the person and the offense.

However, I do suggest that if it is too hard, ask God to help you lift the heaviness and the burdens that come with the hurt so that you can have rest. Use the people who are equipped to help you work through your hurt, such as friends, family, counselors, therapists, etc.

The good news is, we can therapeutically release unforgiveness by restoring our identity. Since betrayal can often disrupt our peace or sense of self, we need to redefine our narrative. We can change the plot of our story. Why should we allow unforgiveness to dictate or shape how we view ourselves or the world around us?

As your therapist, I will walk you through the process of forgiveness. Together, let’s talk through this hurt, through the betrayal, through your trauma. That way, we can get to the root of your narrative and create a new storyline. Let’s allow forgiveness to return you to yourself! I look forward to speaking with you soon.