13 Healthy Boundaries in Marriage

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When it comes to marriage you often fail to think about boundaries. You forget to be mindful of those small things that can make a difference in the dynamic of your marriage. Boundaries in marriage do not have to be authoritative. They simply have to define the expectation of acceptable behavior.

What are healthy boundaries?

Healthy boundaries are those that will protect your marriage but are not controlling in nature. They are essential in maintaining a marriage that will be the cornerstone of the family. Boundaries in marriage keep you from following the sinful nature of your flesh. Boundaries protect spouses, kids, and others.

The first thing that every marriage needs to set healthy boundaries is godly love. Love that includes mercy and grace. Unconditional love. Not a love that is controlling or jealous. When you base your marriage on the love that God shows you then you will have a foundation that can uphold the boundaries that are healthy for marriages.

Admire each other not others

There is no way to keep you and your spouse away from other people. You need vacations. Date nights are more fun when you experience them doing something apart from everyday life. But sometimes these places can cause you to have your attention drawn away from your spouse. Human nature causes you to notice other people. The danger of taking too much notice can be avoided by learning how to keep yourself and your spouse out of those situations.

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. – Hebrews 13:4, NIV

Understand happiness and freedom

When it comes to happiness you cannot hold each other responsible for the amount of happiness you experience. You have to choose your happiness based on the things that you can control. You do this by choosing healthy hobbies and interests. In marriage, you need the freedom to choose these interests and hobbies. There is a certain healthy level of autonomy in a marriage that allows each person to pursue those things that are respectable and enjoyable.

Keep other relationships respectable

Having friends and being married is not a bad thing. You all enjoy having friends that have the same interests. If you are to have a healthy marriage you must know how to keep your friendships respectable. This means you should be cautious to avoid questionable situations such as being alone with a member of the opposite sex and keeping communication platonic and public when possible.

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. – Galatians 5:13, NIV

Learn how to have real talks

Communication is the number one tool in any marriage. Real talks are much more than just communicating. Real talks are how you voice your needs and expectations. Real talk includes transparency and truth. Being honest with your spouse is the best way to maintain boundaries in marriage. Being able to go to your spouse and speak what is on your heart and mind is such a beneficial tool to have in marriage.

Remember quality will always trump quantity

When it comes to spending time with your spouse you tend to think that more is better. This is not always the case. Most of the time it is the quality of time. It’s about what you do as a couple and not how many hours you are together. Do you make the moments that you are together memorable? Whether it is a five-minute phone call just to check on each other or a five-hour beach day together, what you do during that time is what is important.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:7, NIV

Establish home life responsibilities

Marriage and home life involve teamwork. It takes both of you to create a healthy home. This isn’t meant to just keep the relationship healthy. It also means keeping the home safe, clean, and maintained. Children need to know that home is their haven. It is up to you to delegate the responsibilities of keeping the home stable. This is done by sharing the responsibilities and knowing that you can both work together.

No abuse allowed

Abuse is something that should not have any space in a marriage. No abuse is acceptable. Clearly defined boundaries in marriage include the no-tolerance policy of abuse. Whether it is physical, emotional, or mental, abuse is not allowed at any time for any reason. This can also include inappropriate and rude comments even if they are made in jest.

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. – Ephesians 5:3-4, NIV

Intimacy and pet names

Part of sharing love with your spouse includes intimacy. This isn’t just sexual. Intimacy can include quiet moments of just holding each other. This time is needed for the refreshing of your souls. Intimacy was designed to create a bond between you and your spouse. It refreshes your love for one another and creates a stronger bond.

Along with intimacy, pet names are something that should only be welcomed and appreciated by both of you. These names are meant for you and your spouse only so don’t choose something that will be used flippantly elsewhere.

Share your desires and needs

Knowing that you are comfortable enough to share your desires is a necessity in marriage. You should always be able to communicate when you need something. This is a demand for space. It is a request for a need that you want your spouse to meet. Marriage should be the safest place for you to be yourself and express your needs.

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. – 1 Peter 3:7, NIV

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. – 1 Peter 3:1, NIV

Financial agreements

Along with marriage comes finances. Understanding how each of you feels about finances is important. This means you and your spouse need to have boundaries about finances. You and your spouse may or may not combine your finances. Since this is the leading cause of divorce, understanding each other’s spending and saving habits is key to creating a healthy financial boundary.

Life with in-laws

When you are married you have in-laws. There should be a limit on the details concerning your marriage that the in-laws receive. Setting up visiting schedules is also something that could be considered as you set your boundaries in marriage. Another area concerning each other’s family is the type of conversations that you are willing to engage in with your spouse. You want to set boundaries so that these conversations are comfortable for you and your spouse.

Understanding “me” time

Even though you are married doesn’t mean you don’t need alone time. You and your spouse should ensure that each of you is getting some time alone to recharge. Having time to yourself is not being selfish, it is ensuring that you are giving your spouse your best self. Alone time helps keep the marriage healthy because it helps you refresh.

Boundaries in arguments

You and your spouse will inevitably have disagreements. Knowing this should encourage you and your spouse to set boundaries when it comes to times of conflict. The boundaries for marriages and conflict should reflect that there is no room for outsiders to know your private affairs. Be sure that your conflict has ways to reconcile with respectful boundaries.

How do you maintain boundaries in marriage?

Maintaining boundaries is not something that you can just check off a list each week. It takes dedication and desire to continue to progress in your marriage and its boundaries. Through genuine and honest communication you can always work with your spouse to maintain the boundaries.

You should also set consequences to ensure that there is a reason for each of you to keep the boundaries set. When you don’t have consequences you are setting boundaries for nothing. Consequences ensure that you are mindful of the boundaries and that you respect your spouse by understanding the need for them.

Being responsible for your actions is important in maintaining boundaries. This keeps you accountable for what you do or don’t do in the marriage. Accountability helps you stay mindful of treating your spouse with respect.

Please reach out if you would like any further information and to see if couples counseling would be a good fit for you and your partner.