4 Ways to Help Children of Divorce Adjust to This New Life Transition

Divorce is a difficult life transition for adults, but children have an even more difficult time. Divorce can be filled with unknowns and a fear of the future. Additionally, kids must split their time between parents, and parents sometimes use the time with their children to gain an advantage over the other, making the kids choose which one to love more. This puts a lot of stress and anxiety on children because they love both their parents.

We must also add that parents sometimes begin dating again, and kids must acclimate to new partners and stepparents. This transition is a lot for a child, especially with school and other activities vying for their time.

Although professional help might be the best way to go when helping a child cope with divorce, some children don’t want to (or can’t) afford therapy, which makes it easier for kids to suppress their emotions and carry them with them as emotional baggage throughout their formative years.

Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it. – Proverbs 22:6, NIV

4 Ways to Help Children of Divorce Adjust

Despite all the typical transitions that transpire, there are ways parents can help children cope with divorce. Here are four ways to help children of divorce come to terms with a new chapter in their lives.

Give them space

Some parents, out of emotional guilt, force their kids to talk about their feelings when they’re not ready. Some kids need more time to discuss their emotions than others. If they grew up in a home where they tend to be quieter and not express their feelings freely, it will be more difficult than ever for them to talk to their parents about how they’re feeling about a divorce.

Some kids will rightly blame their parents in cases of an unbiblical divorce. Others will suppress their emotions and pretend like it’s no big deal.

But even when the situation involves ongoing infidelity that made a divorce necessary, or unexpected abandonment that made it inevitable, it can be confusing for kids to know why their parents can’t stay together. Wait to talk to your children about their emotions until they are ready.

Let them know you are there for them and that you are happy to talk with them in the meantime. Refrain from getting defensive if they express their emotions. Some kids feel it’s their fault and blame themselves. It is important to make sure that they know that they are not to blame. The blame rests squarely on one or both parents.

When a parent hears their children are upset about the divorce, the parent may think about themselves and become defensive. This can create a wedge between parent and child.

Instead, kids need space to express themselves openly. If a child doesn’t want to speak to you, encourage them to journal their feelings or talk to a friend. Keeping feelings bottled up and not discussing them is only a detriment to their emotional well-being. As hard as it is to not know how they are feeling, it’s more important that they express their feelings, even if it’s not with you.

Don’t get defensive

It’s easy when you’re dealing with your feelings of guilt and lack of self-worth to get defensive when a child acts out as a way of expressing their emotions. Emotions may also run high if a parent uses disciplinary action to get their kids to suppress their feelings. This usually happens when a parent doesn’t know how to deal with the feelings that their kids are experiencing.

However, it is essential as a parent to resolve your issues of anger, sadness, and grief. Make sure you resolve your emotions without taking them out on your children. If your parent or your kids do decide to talk with you and end up blaming you, let them know you understand how they are feeling.

Don’t take it personally (unless, of course, you are to blame – then take it to heart and repent). Instead, do your best to see it as an opportunity for your child to express their feelings and begin their journey to emotional healing.

Help them process their grief

Because divorce is a loss for the child, it requires a grieving process. Regardless of whether they had a good relationship with their parent, they still lose the reality of having two parents in a stable home. This means unpredictable schedules, having to split their time between parents, and often spending prolonged periods with one parent over the other, depending on the divorce agreement.

This may be difficult for kids as they may miss the other parent and miss spending quality time with them. Kids must process their grief regarding the loss of their parent. It is important to express empathy and put yourself in their shoes.

Divorce is especially taxing on younger kids as they don’t quite understand what’s going on. This can lead to issues with self-worth and value when they realize that one or both of their parents did not love them enough to remain faithfully married.

Kids will not know how to express these big emotions and may suppress them, leading to bigger emotional issues later in life. Examine and process your grief with your children. Lend a sympathetic ear and tell them it’s okay to feel how they feel. Kids must understand the right emotions at the right time.

There are both appropriate and inappropriate emotions to express during a divorce life transition. Anger is appropriate when a child needs to express their grief over an unbiblical divorce, or with an offending parent who caused a divorce due to adultery or abandonment.

In some situations where divorce happens due to drug or alcohol addiction, kids need to be able to speak out to the other parent without feeling like the other parent is going to disown them or that they will not see them again. Kids need to be in a safe environment, not with a parent who is going to abuse drugs and alcohol and place them in an unsafe situation.

All his grief must be processed appropriately. It’s appropriate for kids to cry when the loss of friendships or regular activities is due to being forced to live with one parent in another location. However, they should be encouraged to move on as quickly as possible.

It is common for them to adjust to a new schedule and a new life transition within the first few months. However, prolonged issues with this can cause problems for their emotional state. Although you are only human, do your best to provide a stable environment.

Refrain from dating too soon

If it’s apparent you’re contemplating dating again after the divorce, please refrain from doing so until at least one year later. Dating too early indicates to a child that perhaps you were never in love with the original spouse and can cause problems for your child later on.

This also creates a challenging, unstable environment as kids will not know if the person you are dating will be in their lives for the long haul. Wait until you have dated someone long enough to know if the relationship will go on for a long time.

Introduce your children to the new partner after a significant time has passed. Dating a month or two after the divorce and then asking your child to accept a new partner into their life when they have not processed their grief will be detrimental both to your relationship with your child and to their self-esteem. Though there are no guarantees, kids may accept a new partner in time.

Kids are resilient, and because divorce has become commonplace, they may have friends whose parents are divorced. You can let your children be who they are and grieve and accept things at their own right pace. Do not force them or make them feel bad because they are not in the same place as another child, or even where you expect them to be.

Next Steps for Finding Support

Divorce is difficult for every family member, but parents can make it easier by putting their children first and exercising empathy toward their feelings during this time. Give them space, allow them to grieve appropriately, don’t get defensive, and refrain from dating until a significant time has passed. By putting these suggestions into practice, you provide the best possible environment for them to thrive.

If you find yourself or your child struggling and need additional help, counseling might help. We can connect you with a counselor who will meet you or your child where you are and walk with you during this difficult time. Call our office to get connected with the right Christian counselor.