5 Steps to Dealing With a Lying Teen

Our relationship with our teenage children often gets rocky or fractured as they grow. Statistically, teens are more likely to lie or conceal the truth than any other age group, which can damage our relationship with them further.

There are many reasons why our teens lie, and there are many ways we react to them, some of which will drive a distance between us and them. It takes patience and self-reflection to deal with a lying teen, but practicing some simple disciplines could be enough to mend a broken relationship with them.

Why Teens Lie

While we should never try to generalize teenagers, some characteristics are true of many teens that can help us understand them. Firstly, most teenagers are concerned with peer approval. It is a time in their lives when they are trying to establish their identity, almost like building a house brick by brick.

Gaining the recognition and respect of people in their sphere of influence means finding a foundation for their identity, and establishing themselves in the teenage pecking order. On the other hand, teens who find themselves on the fringe of their society without community or connection are as shaped by this experience as the popular teens.

Secondly, most teens are focused on establishing their independence and autonomy, which will be an important part of their adult lives. During the teen years, they might begin struggling with the tension of being part of a family unit with its own established value system and determining their own set of morals and values. Many teens will pull away when they realize that they don’t agree with the way things are done in their family.

This is not necessarily a judgment or indictment of our parenting but is a common event in a teen’s life. They are fast becoming free-thinking individuals with their own defined values and outlook on life.

In addition to all of this, the teen years are where our children might be at their most adventurous and experimental, with comparatively little impulse control. Whether peers or their hormones influence them, teenagers will make some questionable choices, and many will get involved in things we as parents would disapprove of.

When you look at all the different factors that influence teenagers, it is a small wonder that they would withhold facts, exaggerate information, play down the truth, or straight-up lie. They might have their reputations to protect, new values to explore, and shameful deeds to cover up.

If we approach a lying teen with the simple objective of punishment for deception, we will drive a wedge in the relationship. This is an opportunity for us to learn something new about our teens and gently bring correction only after we have understood what they are going through. It might be easier said than done because parents are only human too, but there is a process we could try to follow as we confront our lying teen.

Help for Dealing with a Lying Teen

Check yourself before confronting the situation

We will inevitably be emotionally affected when we catch our teens in a lie, especially if it’s a big lie. Before we take our emotions out on our teens, though, we must calm down and figure out why we are upset. Is it because we feel disrespected? Are we angry because people got hurt, or did our teen hurt themself? Are we afraid of feeling out of control?

Having an idea of precisely why we are upset will help us confront our teen and express to them the consequences of their actions. As we consider our emotions regarding the situation, remember to breathe deeply in and out. This will help us regulate and calm down.

Try not to personalize it

Although we were affected by their lie, this is not about us. Confronting them from a place of hurt feelings or anger will only cause them to see us as self-absorbed, narcissistic, or manipulative. This will not encourage open dialogue or honesty in the future.

Give them the benefit of the doubt. They might have hurt us and others with their deception, but they likely didn’t mean to. Consider things from their point of view and try to determine the whole picture. This might help our peace of mind.

Find out all the details

When we are hurt or angered by deception, we might tend to go into confronting the situation with our guns blazing. Coming in hot and accusing or shaming our teens will either cause them to back away or to meet our anger measure for measure. There might be important details that we have missed, which at least might help us empathize or understand why our teen lied.

Ask questions and get as much information about the events as possible. They might lie more about this, and you might have to read between the lines. Remember that this is about gaining information and try to stay as neutral and non-judgmental as possible as you question them. It might be helpful to reflect on the story that you are hearing and allow them to either confirm or correct details.

Uphold honesty

When it comes time to address the deception, we must show that we value honesty by being vulnerable. Parents mess up too, and teens might see hypocrisy or deception in our actions. If they do, they might turn the tables and confront us on behavior that we have a blind spot to in ourselves.

If this happens, try not to be defensive. Take ownership of your actions where you need to and maybe talk about why you think you act the way you do. Displaying honesty and integrity is more important than talking about it without practicing it. This might be a healing moment for your relationship with your teen as they see you as someone imperfect, but trying to be honest.

Keep perspective

Ultimately, teens are still learning, growing, and maturing. None of us would want the mistakes we made as a fifteen or sixteen-year-old to define our lives, and the same is true for your teen. Even the teens who habitually lie have years ahead of them to grow and change. Try to remember that your teen is in the process of growing, failing, and learning from their mistakes.

If your teen’s dishonesty is linked to substance abuse or a problem on that scale, all is not lost. They are still young enough for treatment to be effective. Your lives are not ruined by their actions. The road to recovery and healing might be long, but they have the time to begin the journey ahead of others with the same struggles.

Finding Support

Teens lie. It’s often as simple as that. Even when it’s more complicated, no issue is too complex to work through. As a parent you need to be calm when confronting a lying teen, not make it about you, and try to get all of the information you can before confronting them.

When you confront them, remain calm and reiterate the importance of honesty. If they turn the issue back on you, be humble and model honesty and integrity by taking account of anything you need to. Allow your teen to express themselves, because they might have hurt feelings over something.

Ultimately, remember that they are in the process of growing up and have not yet solidified into the adults they will one day be. They need your support, love, and patience to help them reach that goal.

If you are struggling with any parenting issue, or just need somewhere to offload your anxieties, counseling might help. We can connect you with a counselor who can walk with you as far as you need them. Contact us to find out more details.