Are You Having An Affair? Recognizing the Signs of Infidelity

One of the main reasons marriages end is because one or both parties have had an affair. Infidelity is a difficult subject to tackle, not only because there are many sensitivities around it, from the person who has been subjected to it feeling uncomfortable discussing it, to the person who has committed it being hesitant to talk about it because of guilt or the fear of being discovered.

Unfortunately, infidelity is common, and so talking about this uncomfortable subject is important. According to Statista, in 2021, “around 21 percent of respondents in the United States admitted having cheated on any partner, current or previous. This is an increase compared to last year, when 20 percent admitted to the same.” The numbers vary based on the demographic surveyed, but also on how one defines infidelity.

Is infidelity hard to discern?

There are some senses in which infidelity is hard to discern and define, and others in which it isn’t. Infidelity can occur in a variety of ways, and it can be defined differently, but one way to define it is to say it is when one person has a physical and/or emotional connection with another person that’s either unsanctioned by their romantic partner or that violates the boundaries of that romantic relationship, or both.

Some people will consider a kiss or a lingering hug cheating, while others will view avidly following and reacting to another person’s posts on social media as problematic. Infidelity doesn’t only occur when there’s sexual activity; it can occur when inappropriate texts or messages are exchanged between people, or when there’s an inordinate emotional investment in a relationship in a way that detracts from the primary relationship.

What counts as infidelity will thus vary based on several factors, including the couple’s values, expressed and implied boundaries, and social convention. For couples that hold to a Christian understanding of these things, some guiding principles of relationships include keeping the marriage bed pure (Hebrews 13:4) and avoiding even a hint of impropriety (Ephesians 5:3).

Sometimes, people blunder into situations by making unwise decisions. You have a fight with your spouse, and as you connect with a friend or colleague, the conversation comes up, and you find yourself vibing with them. You don’t repair things with your spouse, or you decide another time to confide in that person again. Before you know it, you trust them and have warm affection for them that you wouldn’t want people to know about.

Additionally, people blind themselves to what they know is wrong. A person can be having an emotional affair with a colleague, but because it feels good, and acknowledging that it is happening might mean acknowledging that there’s a serious problem, it’s easier to deceive themselves by saying “They’re just a friend” even as they hide messages from their colleague or lie to their spouse when asked about how they are spending their time.

Infidelity can be hard to discern when we decide to ignore warning signs, presume that we’re okay toying with impropriety, or our anger leads us to feel justified in crossing certain lines. Thus, it is wise to keep the Prophet Jeremiah’s words in mind.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? – Jeremiah 17:9, NIV

We have an amazing propensity to lie to ourselves, particularly when the truth is hard to bear and requires us to make hard choices such as repenting of our sinful actions and being accountable.

Signs Of Infidelity

Wondering whether you are having an affair because of how you’re relating to someone who isn’t your spouse or partner might already be a warning sign. Here are some signs of infidelity to look out for.

Sexual Connection This is a no-brainer. If you are having a sexual relationship with someone who is not your spouse, that’s not merely a sign of infidelity – it is infidelity. This could include exchanging pictures of yourselves in various stages of undress, suggestive or explicitly sexual messages, phone or video calls, and sexual intercourse in its various forms, such as touching, kissing, sensual massages, and penetrative sex, to name a few.

Secrecy Keeping messages, calls, interactions, finances/purchases, or your movements connected to the other person a secret from your spouse or partner is a sign of infidelity. You might even get defensive about your relationship if others ask about it, or you may lie about it to prevent people from asking questions. Hiding your phone from your spouse to prevent them from seeing your exchanges is a sign of infidelity.

Unhealthy Comparisons Making comparisons between the other person and your spouse, in which your spouse comes second, or fantasizing about them occupying your spouse’s place, could be a sign of an emotional affair. If you find it easier to confide in the other person than your spouse, and you find yourself complaining about your spouse to the other person, that is also a sign.

Unequal Investment If you find yourself investing more of yourself, your time, your resources, and energy in another person and not your spouse or family, that too could signal an emotional affair, even if your affections are unrequited. We have a seemingly limitless amount of emotional and mental energy, and if it is not being focused on a partner or spouse but on a third party, it is a sign that something is amiss.

This can look like shutting your spouse out of your life and not giving them details about the things that matter to you, or not sharing yourself and your passions with them anymore.

Making Changes If you find yourself eager to make changes and you’re invested in whether a particular person who’s not your spouse notices those changes, that too could be a sign of infidelity. You could be thinking about that person as you’re motivated to change how you dress, start exercising and trying to lose weight, use cologne or perfume, get hair implants, put on makeup, get new underwear, etc.

Imagining a Different Future When you’re in a committed relationship, it’s natural to think of your future together. That could be vacations together, buying a home or car, or thinking about where you’ll retire. If you find yourself dreaming of a different future with another person, and you’re hesitant to make huge commitments with your spouse now because of a connection with another person, that is also a warning sign.

You’re happier, but not because of your spouse One of the ways people react to a new love is that they become happier. They become more cheerful and generous, and their behavior can shift drastically. If you find yourself feeling happier, more alive, and feeling like you’re more “yourself,” because of a new person in your life (who is not your spouse), or because the way you connect with this new person has changed, that could point to infidelity.

Infidelity, whether it’s emotional or physical, erodes one’s commitment to their partner or spouse. Sometimes, by imperceptible degrees, it changes one’s attitude toward their spouse, and it usually ends in the collapse of the relationship, whether it’s discovered or not.

Dealing With Infidelity in Your Life

Our hearts can deceive us, and we can fool ourselves into thinking that our actions are innocent. Dealing with infidelity in all its forms requires a serious and honest look at one’s actions and the motivations behind them, and repentance from the heart over the sins one has committed in this area.

Infidelity doesn’t always occur as a response to hurt or something lacking in the primary relationship, but taking time to consider why another person has won your affection or sexual attention helps discern why infidelity has occurred or is occurring. At the end of the day, however, no excuse ever justifies infidelity. Regardless of what may have sparked it or what may have been the driving factor, it is always a sin that demands repentance.

Confronting yourself with the truth also means being honest with your partner or spouse about what is happening. Infidelity damages a relationship, and acknowledging what is happening is a good first step to healing the damage that infidelity does and has done to your relationship. A counselor can provide you and your partner with emotional support and guidance, helping you both to heal after infidelity and continue to grow in your relationship.