The Emotions Behind Addictive Behavior

At the core of addictive behavior is distraction and avoidance. People with addictions are running from something or someone, whether they know it or not. Overcoming addiction is not a matter of changing our behavior and habits in hopes of getting a fresh start. That part of the journey only comes later. The first and most important step is to stop running and begin honestly evaluating our lives, as daunting a prospect as that sounds.

Not every addiction is the same, obviously. Some people don’t use substances of any kind, and yet are as entrenched in addictive behavior as an alcoholic. They might bury themselves in work, become trapped in a cycle of adultery and cheating, or use relationships and people as if they were drugs. The reason for these habits runs deeper than pleasure.

Change begins with a decision and a commitment to face every issue they have been avoiding, and to remain dedicated to being self-reflective, honest, and no longer avoidant.

The Socially Accepted Addictions

Not all addictive behavior looks the same. Some people are addicted to success, achievements, acceptance, and praise. Addictions like these will not ruin a person’s life at first. Eventually, they will affect their relationships and family life, and probably leave them drained.

Just because an addictive behavior seems positive on the surface does not mean it’s not damaging. In fact, these types of addictive behaviors might be more difficult to overcome because they are often encouraged and commended.

The overachiever gets the satisfaction that their achievements are seen and celebrated, and the workaholic is a credit to their job. The one who volunteers all of her free time to projects and charities feels good because she knows that she’s making a difference.

However, regardless of how noble their motives appear, the truth is found in their private lives. What do their marriages and romantic relationships look like? How happy are their children, friends, and loved ones?

As a society, we love to judge people according to their perceived merit or wrongdoing, but we don’t always see the full picture. Whether secret or obvious, addictive behavior is always about avoidance and distraction. One person uses narcotics, while another uses achievements, but both are addicts and actively avoiding things in their lives.

The Chemical Rush

Participating in addictive behavior provides a powerful cocktail of hormones and chemicals, namely dopamine and oxytocin. The highs from these hormones are often powerful enough to distract us from the anxiety, fear, pain, and uncertainty we would rather not face. However, that’s obviously not where the story ends. If it were, we wouldn’t be addicted to the activity, because one experience would be enough.

Research shows that any type of hormone released into the nervous system only lasts for seven or eight minutes until it is depleted. This means that, regardless of whether the hormones in our system make us feel afraid, nervous, angry, or euphoric, the feeling will naturally pass in less than ten minutes.

We remain with a certain emotion or sensation for longer than ten minutes because we are being exposed, or intentionally exposing ourselves, to a certain trigger repeatedly or for a prolonged period of time.

When it comes to addictive behavior, this means that we are repeatedly seeking out an activity or a substance that produces an intense chemical rush. The behavior or substance is giving us intense pleasure, calm, boldness, confidence, or satisfaction, but it doesn’t last.

We act repeatedly for it to have any effect. Unfortunately, with almost all addictions, the more we are exposed to the action or substance, the less effect it has, or the shorter the effect lasts. This is what leads us to seek out more extreme behaviors, or to repeat our addictive behavior to a wearying degree.

Addictive Behavior & Avoidance

Many of us understand how addiction works, but few of us know why we developed an addictive behavior. We might tell ourselves that it is genetic, or we might deny that it is addictive, even when deep down we know the truth. Countless factors play a part in a person’s addictive behavior, but when we peel back all the layers, we find the stark truth: we are running away from something. It could be one thing, or it could be many things.

The single thing every addict has in common is that they are avoidant. When they are engaging in their addiction, they feel better about themselves. For a brief moment, their pain, anxiety, loneliness, low self-esteem, or whatever deep wound they have is numbed. The mere thought of facing everything inside is overwhelming, and they have no idea where they would start or what healing would even look like. Who would they be without their addictive behavior?

In the long run, addictive behavior makes the avoidant person feel worse about themselves because they are adding to their long history of complicating the issues, rather than facing them and beginning to sort through them.

In moments of sobriety, they catch glimpses of what their life looks like without the pleasure from the addiction. It’s alarming, like looking in the mirror for the first time in months and not recognizing your own reflection. They see who is messing up their life: themselves.

It takes immense courage to begin facing all of the things you’ve been avoiding. Nothing can prepare you for the first time you feel the emotional pain that you have spent so long numbing and running from. Many addicts have to face the fact that not only have they hurt themselves, but they have hurt their loved ones, too. It takes courage to stop running and start seeing things as they are.

Slow Change

Every addictive behavior can be conquered, and every broken life can be mended, but it takes work.

The cycle of addiction only begins to end when the avoidant person pumps the brakes and says, “I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to hurt myself or my loved ones anymore.” They might feel as if they are too far gone or that the damage is too great to mend, but that is never true. The best time to begin recovery is today.

There is an African proverb that asks the question,” How do you eat an elephant?” The answer is, “One bite at a time.” No one develops addictive behavior overnight. It is years of choices and decades of avoiding stuff that leads people to become trapped in addiction. If it has taken months, years, and even decades to become addicted, then it will take as long, or longer, to get free.

Recovery works in the same way as addiction, but in reverse. It was a series of continuous choices, repeated actions, and habits that shaped our addictive behavior. Now, it is the same thing that will set us free: daily choices, repeated actions, and new habits.

Recovery isn’t easy because there are no euphoria-inducing chemicals to make it better. We have to face everything that we spent half our lives avoiding. All of the emotional despair, secret fears, and unhealed wounds are revealed, and we have no idea what to do about any of it. The best we can do is to make amends with the people we have wronged, commit to self-reflection going forward, and make daily choices that will help us in the long run.

Recovery from addictive behavior isn’t easy, but it is possible when we go one step at a time in the right direction.

If you or someone you know is battling addiction and needs support, a counselor can help. There are counselors of all types, many of whom can help with counseling for addictive behavior. Contact a counselor or this office to find someone who will help you or your loved one.