Developing Healthy Attachments as an Adult

British Psychologist John Bowlby developed the Attachment Theory. The premise of his work is that all of us develop an attachment style that will later inform how we relate to others in the future. It centers a lot on our upbringing, and how our relationship with our primary caregivers informs how healthy our social interactions and relationships are, and how we form healthy attachments.

There are four different attachment styles, the healthier one being the secure attachment style. This is the attachment style that everyone should aim for if it does not develop because of nurturing relationships in childhood.

Most people go through life without knowing or understanding attachment styles and how they affect who they are and how they show up in the world. As mentioned earlier, there are four attachment styles, but the one that sets us up for success is the secure attachment style. Below are some characteristics that people with secure attachment styles will exhibit:

• They are comfortable with being alone, relationships do not define them.
• They have a grasp on how to express their needs and communicate with assertiveness and clarity.
• In romantic relationships, they are comfortable with intimacy. They can be emotionally available and vulnerable to find comfort in
• They are positive people. They positively view others and
• They are confident, not arrogant, but they are comfortable in their skin and do not seek constant outside validation.
• They are not people pleasers. They know when to walk away from a relationship and when to set boundaries.
• They have fulfilling relationships all around, not just romantic relationships. They value the people in their lives and work on developing and maintaining those relationships healthily.

Granted, starting the journey to develop healthy attachments as an adult is not easy, but not impossible. Living life with an avoidant or anxious attachment style is difficult and can hinder people from living their lives to the fullest, knowing what it feels like to love and be loved without fear or apprehension.

We are relational beings; some would even argue that our very survival depends on our ability to love, relate, and belong. We heal and thrive in community.

Key skills to develop healthy attachments.

Self-awareness.

Self-awareness is a result of taking an honest look at yourself to understand who you are, what your needs are, what your weaknesses are, and most importantly recognizing your attachment style.

Steps for improvement can only be taken if one knows what it is they need to improve. This process can be done through journaling, therapy, or confiding in close family and friends who can give you honest feedback.

Examining relational patterns.

Our attachment style shows up in how we relate to other people. To build up skills for healthy attachment a close and honest examination of how one relates to people is important.

This way, they will be able to challenge negative beliefs they might have about relationships and take responsibility for flaws. After examining one’s relationships, effort is needed to build trust in others and themselves.

Work on emotional regulation.

Learning to regulate emotions is important when seeking to build healthy attachments. Emotional regulation guards against being impulsive and reactive in relationships. Emotional regulation can be achieved by being more aware of one’s emotions and those of others. Mindfulness, meditation, and prayer can aid in this soul-searching exercise.

Embrace vulnerability.

At the heart of relationships and developing healthy attachments is the ability to embrace vulnerability. This means learning to trust, communicate needs, ask for help, and be receptive to love and concern from others without fear of rejection. Vulnerability will also mean removing oneself from toxic relationships and seeking the ones that are positive and healthy.

Develop self-esteem and self-compassion.

Having healthy attachments is also a product of having a positive regard for oneself. If a person’s self-esteem is low, effort needs to be made so that they are more confident in who they are.

This is a journey and will not happen overnight, compassion will therefore be integral. Learning to love oneself through the journey, warts and all will guide others into understanding the worth one places on oneself, and hence how to treat them.

Build positive communication skills.

Effective communication is vital to developing and sustaining healthy relationships. Communicating one’s needs and disappointments with clarity and assertiveness means they are understood. Listening and empathy are also important aspects of communication that need to be developed as they also make room for others in one’s life to be heard and understood.

Reach out for support.

We are here to help. If you need help and support as you embark on the journey to healthy attachment and fulfilling relationships do not hesitate to reach out. Qualified Therapists will help you with understanding your attachment style and equip you with skills to show up fully in relationships.