Emotional Affairs Explained

In any committed relationship, the breaking of trust can be devastating. When it comes to acts of betrayal in marriage, emotional affairs can be downplayed in terms of the damage they cause but those who have experienced it will attest that it can be equally devastating.

Emotional affairs can be defined as acts of secrecy between two people where they share intimate moments without being sexually involved. This is when a person becomes sentimentally involved with someone who is not their partner.

Emotional affairs can be hard to detect at first, even for those involved because most of them start innocently, people usually start as good friends, great work colleagues, who get along, or just two people who have mutual interests. They do not start with the intention of becoming entangled in an affair, but as their contact becomes more frequent, their conversation becomes more intimate, and the relationship can take a different turn.

Most of us can develop and maintain platonic relationships without them turning into emotional affairs, but we must be vigilant in how the relationship progresses and take action if ever boundaries are crossed and it’s starting to be something more.

Knowing when boundaries have been crossed can be tough, however. Listed below is a checklist one can use to evaluate their interaction and see if there should be any cause for concern:

• When you are paying more attention to how you look, sound, and present yourself in their presence. This means that you now care about their view of you, you want to impress them and make yourself attractive.
• There is constant contact, and you miss them when they are not in touch. You cannot wait to be in any form of communication with them. Social media and instant messaging have not helped in this area.
• There is the sharing of deeply personal and intimate information that should be reserved for the person you are married to.
• They become your go-to person, whether, in good times or bad times, they become the first person you want to share any important moment with.
• You start fantasizing about what a future with them as a romantic partner might look like. There might be some sexual tension between the two of you as well.
• You are secretive about your interactions; this you do by being protective of your phone or computer.
• You are constantly defending your relationship to those who might question your level of intimacy or interactions.

How the betrayed partner may feel after an emotional affair

Depending on how a spouse or partner finds out that their loved one has been having an emotional affair, the feelings can vary in degree and these need to be acknowledged and validated. At the heart of any affair, whether emotional or otherwise, the feeling of broken trust takes precedence. Below are some of the ways a betrayed spouse might feel:

Taken for a fool

If they didn’t suspect anything between their partner and someone they considered to be just a friend, the betrayed spouse may feel taken for a fool and ask themselves questions like, “How could you be so naïve, so stupid?!” This is unfortunate because they punish themselves for the very thing spouses should have for each other: trust.

Grief

Grief is a normal response to loss. When a partner has broken trust in this way the betrayed spouse is experiencing the loss of so many things at one time. They might feel they have lost their loved one, they might feel the loss of dignity and standing, and the loss of the relationship they thought they had.

Because they are experiencing grief, they will go through all the stages of grief as it pertains to this loss. They will experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Trauma

Trauma can be described as our response to a deeply distressing experience that threatens our sense of safety. Discovering that one’s partner has been deceptive and in essence has diverted intimacy that was meant for them to someone else can be traumatizing.

Trauma manifests differently in people but it can be overwhelming that a person’s ability to function can be disturbed. It is important to know that this response is normal. If the symptoms persist it’s vital to seek professional help.

Self-blame

Even though they are not the one who strayed, a partner who finds out that their love is being intimate with someone else, even emotionally, can leave them feeling responsible, especially if their partner justifies their betrayal by blaming said partner. They start asking themselves what they could have done differently.

True, sometimes inadequacies in a relationship can indeed cause others to look elsewhere but one should never blame themselves for someone else’s actions and decisions.

Mental illness

Just like a physical injury can cause distress to the body, any injury done to the mind could lead to episodes of mental illness. The betrayed spouse could experience heightened anxiety, deep depression, and PTSD.

How to recover from emotional affairs

Recovering from an emotional affair can be a harrowing process. It’s not easy and due to the depth of the betrayal, it might take time and a lot of work from both spouses. The spouse that has been caught in an emotional affair experiences a whole host of emotions that they too need to sort out for the couple to heal.

Usually, the unfaithful spouse will experience feelings of self-loathing, shame, guilt, remorse, embarrassment, grief, and deep anxiety. This is not an exhaustive list but just some of the major emotions that they could experience. Because they are also going through their emotional roller coaster, it is advisable to find someone who is trusted to help the two people work through this season.

Due to the slippery nature of emotional affairs, if the couple is to succeed in working through the hurt, the unfaithful spouse must break all contact with the other person. It is fair to acknowledge that this will not be an easy exercise. They will experience feelings of loss and grief and this needs to be acknowledged. This will be especially hard for the betrayed spouse to see, but they should know what to expect.

Taking responsibility and forgiveness in situations like these should always go hand in hand. Couples should avoid trying to bypass the process by demanding or offering forgiveness without having honestly searched how they honestly feel.

The unfaithful spouse would need to be coming from a place of remorse, a place where they recognize their wrongdoing and are hurt by the painful effects of their behavior, they are not just looking to have this ‘punishment’ season over with. The betrayed spouse needs to be given space to process their anger, grief, and all those emotions without being rushed into forgiveness.

Once it has been confirmed that the contact was inappropriate, there need to be boundaries put in place to safeguard the relationship and both parties’ emotional well-being. These boundaries will ensure that there is room for the rebuilding of trust.

These boundaries could include the unfaithful spouse no longer having any form of contact with the other person and not following them or keeping themselves updated on their social media platforms. Accountability can be used to enforce these boundaries in the beginning.

After some time has passed, when the couple has to some extent dealt with some of the heavy emotions, they can now start the journey of trying to discover what got them here in the first place. This exercise is not a blame game but should be entered with humility and a need to take responsibility for rebuilding the relationship. Seeing some gaps that might have existed that need to be given attention is a sure way of building and healing with maturity.

Seeking help to recover from infidelity

Because emotional affairs are not given the same gravity as an affair that involves sexual intimacy, betrayed spouses might find it hard to seek help, making their situation hard to deal with. It is important to know that there are faith-based therapists in Texas who will help you as an individual or as a couple trying to move on from this painful experience. If you reach out to us at Texas Christian Counseling, we will direct you to those who can help.