Feeling Lonely: Practical Ways to Build Real Friendships

In elementary school, you could walk up to someone on the playground and ask, “Do you want to play?” and by the time the bell rang, you’d have a new friend. In college, proximity did most of the work for you. Because you lived, went to school with, and sometimes worked alongside people on campus, you naturally grew into friendship with them without much effort.

But there comes a point in adulthood when you realize that friendships don’t come as automatically as they used to. And if you’re a busy woman with a job or a family, you know that making friendships can be difficult.

So how do you build real friendships as a busy adult? Here’s where to start.

Start with who you are

One of the biggest obstacles to true friendship is the need for performance. You may not even realize you’re doing it, but many people try to be what they think they should be rather than who they are.

They might want to have the label of the easy, strong, or funny one. So, they curate their behaviors to support these labels to attract and impress others. And while it’s good to be easy-going, strong, and humorous authentically, real friendships aren’t built on false performances.

If you don’t know who you truly are, you will unconsciously shape yourself to fit whomever you’re around. You will become whatever they want or expect you to be, not who you are, or who God wants you to be. And that creates only surface-level connections, not deep and meaningful relationships.

Figuring out who you really are might not be as easy as it sounds. You must first remove yourself from the voices and influences around you to decide what you actually value. What’s important to you? What do you actually enjoy doing? What drains you? Where do you feel most like yourself?

It might seem odd that you have to think about who the real you is because you live with yourself every day. But when you separate your true identity from the influences around you, you might be surprised that your true identity is but a shadow of your public persona.

And when you develop a strong sense of self, you will naturally attract people who connect to the real you.

Learn safe vulnerability

There’s a fine line when it comes to emotional risk, but to thrive in friendships, you must learn how to be vulnerable while mitigating that risk.

Vulnerability is sometimes mistaken for trauma dumping on someone you just met. While this is usually not a successful way to build a bond with others, you don’t build intimacy by staying surface-level friends forever, either.

Healthy vulnerability forms when you share small personal truths or allow someone to see your authentic emotions, rather than the mask you usually wear. This transparency allows people to connect with the real you, and that not only builds true friendship but also confidence. As people accept you in your vulnerability, you are reinforcing to yourself that you’re worthy of love.

If you struggle with this, you’ve likely experienced past rejection or abandonment. Sometimes you learn early in childhood that being honest and authentic can result in negative consequences.

Be the Friend You’re Praying For

If you are lonely and want to attract a good, honest, fun-loving person who loves to watch action films, then be that person. People with like-mindedness will be attracted to you because they will see similarities in themselves.

God created Eve when Adam was busy going about his Father’s business. When you are busy being your authentic self, the one God wants you to be, He will guide and direct you into relationships that will benefit your work and enhance your life.

And once you meet someone with potential friend qualities, model what you want the next step to look like. Follow up with people after you meet them. Initiate plans. Friendships require time, effort, and initiative, and in order to reap the reward, you have to be willing to put in the effort.

Look in all the right places

Where you look for friendships matters more than you might think. Friendships tend to grow where people already share something in common, such as values, interests, or life stages.

If your faith is important to you and you’re hoping to build a friendship with other Christians who will not only share your values but also encourage your faith, the bar is probably not the most effective place to look. While it’s certainly possible to meet good, compatible people anywhere, you’re much more likely to find someone spiritually minded in places where faith is valued.

Many friendships end or never get started because the people involved are vastly different in their values. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule, and deep friendships can form out of respectful disagreement. These relationships can even make you grow in your beliefs and tolerance, but most friendships are built on some commonality.

If you’ve been discriminated against, made fun of, or dismissed because of your beliefs, your lifestyle, or hobbies, consider going to places where like-minded people naturally congregate. Maybe you’re considered “unconventional” by some. But instead of allowing your uniqueness to be a liability, find a community that will celebrate you and your unique qualities.

Be patient and consistent

One of the most discouraging things about adult friendships is that they often take longer to develop than friendships among young people. Childhood friendships are formed quickly because you spend hours together in a classroom. As adults, life is much busier, and relationships take more time to develop.

It can take several attempts before you find people who truly click with you. But consistency is key. Many adult friendships develop because you see the same people regularly. You might meet someone once and enjoy talking with them, but it is likely to take several conversations before you begin to feel comfortable with each other.

Real friendships grow naturally through a culmination of small moments. Research suggests that it takes roughly fifty hours of shared time together to move past the polite phase into a true friendship, so consider joining groups that meet weekly, such as a Bible study or social club.

Patience is also required when a text goes unanswered or an invitation isn’t accepted. In those moments that seem discouraging, try not to take it personally. Adult schedules are complex, and a “no” isn’t always a reflection of someone’s feelings toward you but more of their current lifestyle.

Loneliness can be deeply rooted

Sometimes the struggle to form friendships can’t be fixed with logistics and strategy. Sometimes the root of this lonely feeling is something that’s inside of you, such as a fear of commitment or a reflection of past wounds. It might be a culmination of years of insecurities or a coping skills deficit.

If your lack of community is due to deeper reasons than just being “new in town”, remember that God sees you fully and He loves you completely. He knows your faults, weird habits, fears, and attachment style. He knows your hurts and the reasons you can’t commit. And the best news is that He is your friend.

He loves you just as you are, in your raw, unfiltered form. He can help you to work through those other things. Those obstacles that hold you back from authentic connections here on Earth.

Therapy

If this is where you find yourself, feeling stuck in loneliness despite wanting meaningful friendships, therapy can help.

Your therapist can guide you as you explore the experiences that shaped your view of relationships and the obstacles that might be interfering with genuine connections. Therapy can help you to heal past attachment wounds and work through social anxiety.

Call our offices today if you’re feeling lonely. You can learn more about how a therapist can help you become a better friend and find meaningful and healthy relationships.