Healthy Relationships: 5 Elements of a Strong Marriage

God is foundational for all healthy relationships. First, we must recognize our need for Him, as sinners needing a Father. We are created with a desire to be known by Him and others and called to be in relationships. God loves us so much that He sacrificed His only Son so that we would know Him intimately. He was sent as a living sacrifice, an example of how we are to live. He was love in its purest form.

Following Jesus’ lead, we are to imitate Him by following His ways as given to us in Scripture. The Bible is our instruction manual for life. God’s Word instructs us to be in a relationship with Him and others. We must pursue God through worship, His Word, prayer, acknowledging Him, being in community, and living out our faith. Living in a relationship with God will be evident in our actions – how we live and treat others.

Marriage is challenging, and maintaining a healthy marriage can at times seem impossible, but given the right priorities and work, marriages can thrive. There are five aspects to making a marriage healthy: commitment, God-centeredness, intimacy, understanding, and communication.

Commitment

When you marry, you choose to commit to a lifelong relationship. However, couples get caught up in the excitement of the day with the planning and preparation. Making the day special, with flowers, food, the perfect dress, an amazing venue, surrounded by family and friends. It is a day to behold. On that day, couples promise to love one another, entering a commitment intended to last a lifetime.

Merriam-Webster defines commitment as an “adherence to something to which one is bound.” Synonyms include dedication, devotion, loyalty, fidelity, and allegiance. These powerful words indicate that marriage should be a commitment in which both people agree to stay together and do whatever it takes to make it work.

Some will say that marriage is 50/50, but that is inaccurate. Marriage is 100/100, with both the husband and the wife giving it their all. If you are not fully committed to a relationship, it makes it easier to separate or divorce when times get tough.

Couples should decide that divorce is not an option and agree not to use divorce as a threat. Jesus speaks against divorce in Mark 10:2-9, stating that husband and wife become one flesh and should not be separated. God esteems marriage as the highest of all earthly relationships.

You need to have the right attitude and heart toward your marriage. You must believe it is worth investing in, making it a priority.

Consider: Am I committed to my marriage? What is my attitude about divorce?

God-Centered

Jesus is your rock, your foundation to help weather the storms of life. Isaiah 33:6 states that “in that day he will be your sure foundation, providing a rich store of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge. The fear of the LORD will be your treasure.” (NLT) Just as Jesus should be central in your life, so He should be in marriage. He gives us strength and guidance to navigate the trials that will come, but you must seek Him.

A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. – Ecclesiastes 4:12, NLT

Like a rope, three strands are stronger than two strands because three strands provide greater overall tensile strength. Having Jesus at the center of your marriage strengthens your marriage by allowing you to lean on Him and not on your strength or your spouse’s strength.

Practical steps for a God-centered marriage include proclaiming Jesus as your Savior, pursuing a relationship with Him through prayer, studying, and applying His Word.

2 Timothy 3:16-17 reminds us that “all scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right.” (NLT) Knowing His Word and connecting to Jesus gives you a compass for your marriage.

Consider: What is hindering you from obeying God’s Word? Are you willing to apply Biblical principles to your marriage?

Intimacy

It is easy in the busyness of life to let your marriage fall into a rut and become complacent. Prioritizing time for the two of you is paramount. Date nights and weekends away allow you time to enjoy and focus on one another without interruptions and distractions.

But you must be intentional in setting the dates and making one another the priority. Intimacy is connecting physically (making love, holding hands, cuddling) and emotionally (spending time together, making one another a priority, listening well).

God created sexual intimacy not only for reproduction but for pleasure. More than a physical act, it is also emotional and spiritual. Making love allows couples to serve one another and bring glory to God. “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” 1 Cor 10:31 (ESV)

Emotional intimacy is knowing your spouse’s needs and desires, being vulnerable with one another, connecting at a deeper level, being a safe person to share with, and validating and supporting one another.

You and your spouse are unique individuals; therefore, you should look outside yourself to observe and know your spouse. How your physical and emotional needs are met probably differ from your spouse. Take time to explore your spouse as well as communicating your needs.

Consider: Do you feel close to your spouse? What are some ways you can foster intimacy in your marriage? Do you have regular date nights? When was the last time you had a weekend away, just the two of you?

Understanding

Understanding one another is vital for a healthy marriage. It is essential not to make assumptions about your spouse and to accept their differences. Marriage is the combining of two distinct, imperfect people whose strengths and weaknesses often complement one another. You must have a willingness to know your spouse, looking beyond yourself.

You should become an expert on your spouse. You can know a lot of things about a person, but not truly know them if you do not seek to know them at a heart level. Truly knowing someone takes time and intentionality. You need to be empathetic, an encourager, and a supporter. Be curious.

Consider: What life events have shaped them? What brings them joy? And makes them sad? What are their dreams? What are their concerns?

Communication

The biggest issue I encounter with couples involves communication. Learning to communicate is essential for a healthy marriage. Communication involves words spoken (7%), tone of voice (38%), and body language (55%).

While it is crucial to have the correct words to convey your message, great care needs to be given to how your words are spoken (i.e., harsh or condescending) and to consider the signal your body language is sending (i.e., rolling eyes, crossed arms).

Problems arise when there is miscommunication. Husbands and wives have distinct personalities, ways of relating, and gender differences. Sometimes, you and your spouse are on the same page; things are good. But when problems arise, you may feel like you are not in the same chapter. To get back on the same page, here are a few tips.

Before bringing up an issue, ask yourself the following.

• Is my heart right?
• Do I have the facts right?
• Is this the right time to discuss this issue?
• Will this be helpful or hurtful?

Pray about the words you will speak.

When discussing an issue apply the following.

As the speaker:

• Use “I” statements – I feel (feeling) when (situation) because (reason)
• Own the issue – take responsibility for your thoughts and actions
• Avoid using “always” and “never”
• Stick to the topic at hand

As a listener:

• Reflect on what was said by summarizing what was said
• Ask clarifying questions
• Do not interrupt; you will have an opportunity to speak
• Focus on what is being said, not formulating a rebuttal

Having a strong marriage takes effort. “Here on earth, you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (NLT) God said there will be trouble. Still, you can overcome the valleys by committing to your marriage, having God at the center, pursuing intimacy, striving to understand your spouse, and working on communication. If you are struggling in your marriage, seek the help of a Christian counselor.