How to Make Friends If You Have Social Anxiety

Most people crave friendships. Even the most introverted among us has a certain degree of God given desire for social connection. God made us social creatures for a reason. He created Eve when He recognized Adam’s social need. God brought us back into fellowship with Him when He saw the sin-induced divide. So, having people in your life is important and necessary for fellowship, mission work, and overall life satisfaction.

If you’re craving relationships, there are a lot of ways to find those social connections, even if you’re socially awkward or suffer from social anxiety. Even if you have a shy personality or have been criticized publicly. Even if toxic friendships have made you afraid to trust others again. And even if you’re at a stage in your life where you are physically unable to socialize in the ways you always have.

Tips for Overcoming Social Anxiety

Whatever the reason for your isolation, it can be difficult to reach out to others when your insides are a jumbled-up mess of nerves, doubt, fear, hurt, and self-doubt. But there is hope. You can overcome those obstacles that prevent authentic connections and live a whole, fulfilling social life.

You can be a part of a dynamic duo or be a main character in a friend group. You can find people who will support you in your endeavors and cry with you in your defeats. But first, you might have to put in a little work to overcome the obstacles that stand in the way of those authentic and meaningful connections.

Get therapy

Therapy can help you not only understand but also untangle the things that are standing in the way of quality relationships in your life. Sometimes what you need is someone trained to walk with you through the fear, trauma, and lies that you’ve believed about yourself (or others).

A good Christian counselor can help you uncover what lies beneath the surface of the anxiety. Maybe it’s a fear of rejection, past hurts, people pleasing, or something you don’t even know how to label on your own. You don’t have to figure it all out on your own. Frankly, you weren’t meant to.

Proverbs 11:14 says, “For lack of guidance a nation falls, but victory is won through many advisers” (NIV). That doesn’t just apply to nations. You, too, can fail in life if you try to solve all your problems alone. There is wisdom and safety, or “victory,” as the Bible says, in seeking guidance from others.

Seek God

Healing from social anxiety isn’t just a clinical issue; it has a spiritual element too. God knows your heart better than you do. He sees how badly you want a real connection and how badly you wish you weren’t so anxious about it. Ask God for help for your anxiety, and then watch for all the ways He will intervene. He will put the right people in your path, purposefully and not just for your benefit, but for His eternal glory.

If Jesus, the King of Kings, chose to do life surrounded by friends (even the flawed ones), then you probably need a few too.

Look for safe people

While finding friendship often means casting a large net, not everyone you encounter will become your best friend. In fact, they shouldn’t. When you’re anxious or healing from past hurt, it’s important to be intentional about who you open up to. Pay attention to how people make you feel after observing them. Will they point you back to God or draw you away from Him?

Start small

If you’ve been isolated for a while, it might feel overwhelming to jump right into the center of a group of strangers. Just because you probably won’t make ten friends this week, or even one, doesn’t mean that you need to remain on your island. Start with one tiny step. Smile at someone at church or send a quick “hello” text to an old friend. Show up to a church or community event, even if you already know you will duck out early.

Be awkward

Permit yourself to be a little awkward. You don’t have to be charming or witty or extroverted to be considered for friendship. You just need to be authentic. The right people won’t be scared off by your quiet or even your weird. They won’t run away from your nervous laughter or your weird hand gestures.

In fact, they might actually relate to you better because of these things you’re self-conscious about. And the wrong people, the ones who don’t get you? Well, just let them walk away. They aren’t “your people” anyway.

Awkwardness is human, and most people are way more focused on themselves than on analyzing everything you say or do. And when you own your awkwardness with humility and even a dash of humor, it can be quite endearing. Some of the deepest friendships are born not from smooth beginnings but from shared vulnerabilities and the courage to let your collective weirdness shine.

Be present

Don’t underestimate the power of just showing up. Meeting people is impossible if you never go where they are. Go to church, small group, community classes, volunteer at charities, or even show up at the same coffee house at the same time each week.

Once you’re there, start a conversation. Even if your hands are shaking and your voice quivers just a bit. You don’t have to have the perfect opening line, like the romantic hero in a movie. Just make a small comment about something shared.

“This coffee place is always packed,” or “Have you been to one of these events before?” can be the perfect opening line. Ask simple questions like, “How did you hear about this group?” or “What brought you here today?” People usually enjoy talking about themselves, so giving them a prompt is all that is needed most of the time.

Listen well and then follow up naturally with whatever comes to mind. Don’t overthink being clever or impressive, just be friendly and natural. A warm smile and a genuine interest can go a long way in turning a stranger into a potential friend.

Show up, again

There will be days when it feels like all your efforts are leading you nowhere near an authentic friendship. Maybe you went to a gathering and no one talked to you, or you sent a text and got no reply.

This kind of disappointment can sting, especially if you’re already feeling vulnerable. But don’t quit! Keep showing up, texting, and choosing to make connections, even if it feels one-sided. Sometimes people are busy, or they might feel awkward, too. Don’t just assume you haven’t made a positive impact on them.

Once you have met a few people, keep the momentum going. Don’t get discouraged! Consistency builds trust, and over time, those seemingly unimportant, mundane moments can build familiarity. Those short chats at church or the casual conversations at the checkout stands can add up. That’s how friendships are built; one brick of connection at a time.

How long will it take?

Once you have made some acquaintances, it’s time to move them into authentic friendships. Making a new friend takes more than just an undetermined amount of time. Making a friend also requires intentional effort, shared activities, and some meaningful conversations.

Research indicates that it takes approximately 30 hours to transition from acquaintance to casual friend, 50 hours to become a close friend, and 140-200 hours to establish a close friendship. But not all time spent together is created equal. To develop a close-knit friendship, focus on spending intentional time together, especially engaging in fun activities and having genuine conversations.

These deliberate connections make a greater impact on your relationship than just being around someone at work or school (though those are great places to start). If you want to deepen your friendships with people, you need to be willing to invest both your time and effort, even amid your social anxiety.