Losing Yourself: What Does it Mean to Be Codependent?

Are you codependent? If you have any of the following traits, you may be struggling with codependency.

• Excessively relying on and prioritizing the needs, emotions, and well-being of others over your own
• Feeling the need to “fix” others
• Enabling other people, even when they do hurtful things to you or others you care about
• Depending on others too much for your own emotional needs
• Being afraid to stand up for yourself
• Inability to set healthy boundaries with others
• Having a lack of boundaries in general
• Doing things for other people when you have a gut feeling telling you not to do it
• Being a people pleaser

If this is the case, just know that you can get help and that you are not alone. God created us to be independent beings with our own needs that have to be met. But he also created us to be social and in communities.

There is a way for you to both be independent and have healthy relationships with those you love. Getting in touch with your intuition and acting on what it tells you is a good first step toward eliminating codependency. If you know what you want and you prioritize your own needs without disrespecting others, you will be much healthier.

There are a few dynamics that make it extremely common for one individual in the relationship to be codependent. Let’s first look at codependency in a relationship where someone has an addiction.

Codependency in a Relationship with Someone Fighting Addiction

It can be extremely difficult to watch a loved one suffer from addiction. They continue to harm themselves regardless of their physical health, mental health, and legal consequences. Someone with codependency may try with all their power to fix the person with an addiction.

They may enable them – giving them money for food, a place to sleep, or even paying for multiple stays at recovery facilities. Although they mean well, if they continue to enable them, the individual suffering will not get better. This is because they do not have a chance to learn on their own how to take care of themselves.

There are 12-step programs in place, such as Al-Anon, to help loved ones of individuals suffering from addiction to accept their loved one’s addiction, understand what they can and cannot do to change the situation, and eliminate co-dependent tendencies, which will, in the long run, keep the relationship sick. If you are in this situation, I offer counseling to clients who need help grieving and setting boundaries.

Codependency in a Relationship with Someone with Narcissism

Often, victims of narcissistic abuse are codependent with their abusers, especially if they are still in denial. Even though the narcissistic individual criticizes, belittles, and takes advantage of their victim, they will still put them first, no matter what. The victim may even try to change or “fix” their abuser and convince them to go to counseling. Even if the abuser does go to counseling, it is usually for only a session or two before they drop out and return to their abusive tendencies.

The victim is so codependent with their abuser that they depend on their abuser for attention, validation, and self-esteem, although sadly, they never really provide what they need. Once the victim comes out of denial and recognizes that they are codependent with an abusive individual, they can start establishing their independence again – usually with the help of a therapist, attorney, or trusted friend.

I specialize in helping individuals who are codependent with a narcissist get out of an abusive situation. Reach out to me for help if you need to set boundaries, establish your independence, increase your self-esteem, and get out.

People Pleasing

You can completely lose yourself trying to please others. Pleasing others is extremely difficult, not to mention draining. Just think, Jesus was God in human form. Even he could not please everyone, and not everyone was happy with his ministry. If Jesus himself cannot please everyone (and he was not meant to), you are not going to be able to please everyone around you either.

Pleasing people can lead to severe burnout. If you prioritize everyone else’s needs before your own, you will have nothing left for yourself. If you are a people pleaser, it can also make you a target of manipulation.

If others learn that you will do whatever they want, chances are they will take advantage of you in one way or another. When you people-please, you are putting up a fake persona. Others will not know how you truly feel about the relationship if you are not being honest.

Lack of Boundaries

Boundaries are important to maintain a healthy relationship. Knowing when to say “no” is important because we are not meant to take everything on ourselves. If we are constantly giving with no self-respect, it can even lead to physical health complications. Doing everything for another person also robs that other person of the experience of developing skills or being independent.

For example, if your son is an adult but he always expects you to make his doctor appointments, and you do, he will never grow up. It is important to set a boundary, teach him how to make an appointment himself, and leave it up to him to take his health seriously. The hard part is watching a loved one fail to take care of themselves. But being their caretaker at your own expense will not help either of you in the long run.

Depending On Others Too Much for Your Own Emotional Needs

In this life, our main provider is God. He wants us to turn to Him so he can meet all our emotional needs. Some ways we can have God meet our emotional needs are:

Prayer Tell God what you are going through. Share your deepest emotions with Him in prayer. Let Him know if you are feeling guilt, shame, anxiety, peace, or joy. He wants to hear from you, no matter where you are in your walk.

I personally love to journal my prayers. I feel a deeper connection with God when I am writing to him. Maybe you feel a deeper connection with Him when you are walking, swimming, or spending time in nature. Knowing how you personally want to pray to your Maker and connect with Him is important.

Reading Scripture God always communicates something with us when we read the Bible. The Bible is God’s word, and he wants us in it. Saying a prayer before opening your Bible and reading a passage is a wonderful way to let God know you are listening and are ready for Him to speak to you.

Meditating or Sitting in Stillness Experiencing peace with God can be profound. The good news is, you can get still with God and experience His peace every single day. When I get still with God, I feel Him filling up my cup and giving me strength for the day ahead of me.

If you can practice these things, you will be less dependent on other people to meet your needs and make you happy. Being codependent on another person to fulfill you is not fair to the other person. They are mere human beings and do not have what it takes to make you feel whole. Only the Triune God – Father, Son, and Holy Spirit – has what it takes to make you feel whole.

Codependency does not develop overnight, and when you recognize it and set out to become less codependent, it will not change right away. But counseling, 12-step groups such as Codependents Anonymous, and boundary setting will help tremendously. Reach out to me if you need help eliminating codependency in your life. It will change you forever!