Overcoming Resentment in Family Relationships

Every family story does not read with the fairy tale ending of “they all lived happily ever after.” We can look at the Bible and see many relationships fractured by favoritism, strife, envy, and deception among those in the same bloodline. Though many millennia later, we see evidence of the same painful and traumatic experiences in the Bible populate our own timelines and family stories.

Over time, living with these conditions can wear on a person’s soul and fray hope for something better or at least different. Unresolved pain, anger, and unforgiveness deposit themselves into the soil of our lives, turning the roots of our family tree bitter and bearing the fruit of resentment.

Overcoming resentment is no easy feat. We cannot ignore infractions, errors, and missteps and expect to just get over what has happened that is part of our difficult family past or present. God does not expect us to place ourselves in a position where we remain objects of someone else’s evil intentions or actions.

It grieves Him to see us endure forms of abuse, neglect, or harm, whether we are experiencing it for the first time or constantly reliving it through triggers or the hold that unforgiveness may have on our souls. Part of embracing His wisdom, love, and care is tending to our safety and our souls to heal from what would have otherwise destroyed us.

Resentment in the Bible

In Genesis, we gather a tale of two brothers. Cain resented Abel for his offering, though God commended the younger of Adam and Eve’s first two sons (Hebrews 11:4). God, in wisdom and love, counseled Cain, advising that his offering would be accepted if he would address the sin that crouched at his door.

God knew that envy was waiting to devour Cain, but clouded by resentment toward Abel, Cain dismissed it (Genesis 4:6-7). He disregarded God’s wisdom, preferring sibling hatred and rivalry instead.

Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. – Romans 12:19, 21, NIV

It is unacceptable to hurt our family members, even if they wronged us. Exacting vengeance will make us accountable to God. He loves us, but we will have consequences for actions outside of His Will. As the Righteous Judge, He administers justice from His pure Heart and all-knowing perspective. Even when He corrects and disciplines us or our relatives for doing wrong, He does it mercifully to soften hearts toward repentance.

Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. – 2 Corinthians 7:10, NIV

Abel’s blood cried out from the earth, announcing the injustice at the hands of his older brother. God redeemed this loss by avenging the death through another Son. Jesus, who would come to die generations later, atoned for the sin of the world, at the hands of His brothers. Jesus’ Blood speaks a better Word than Abel’s in that He sealed our story with the hope of redemption in our Kingdom family.

…and to Jesus, the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood, which speaks better than the blood of Abel. – Hebrews 12:24, NASB2020

Resentment’s Remedy

Thankfully, the same Jesus who offered His life to bridge the family gap between us and the Father is more than able to heal our hearts from resentment’s prongs. While we may or may not choose to resume a relationship in the way it had been, it is possible, through Christ, to repair and reunite what became fragmented in our souls. Restoration, however, may first occur internally in our hearts and minds before we extend or receive it from others.

Despite the changing waves that seem to shift our relationships from one day to the next, the Holy Spirit anchors our thoughts and feelings. We tether to hope in the Everlasting Father who never changes, even if our relationships remain the same (Hebrews 13:8).

He helps us to navigate difficulty with greater confidence and clarity, even when the messiness of humanity, and more specifically, our family relationships cloud our view. Our relationships may look different from our desires, but our Loving Father has created us with the capacity to overcome the resentment that would otherwise destroy.

This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and reliable and one which enters within the veil. – Hebrews 6:19, NASB2020

Time for Prayer

Part of the way that Jesus instructed His followers to pray included a clause about forgiving others so that we too would be forgiven and changed by God’s mercy (Matthew 6:12,14-15). Unforgiveness and resentment block our prayers.

We obstruct our view of a Perfect God and his creation when we draw attention to the faults, flaws, and failures of those who have hurt us. The “log” in our eyes keeps us from beholding the beauty of our Savior, whose forgiveness has freed us to live in fellowship with Him and others (Matthew 7:3). Let’s not skew that perspective, remembering that our sin against Him was more egregious than anything we or anyone else could do against another human.

When we imprison others with unforgiveness, resentment, and bitterness, we place ourselves in an emotional jail. We bind ourselves to the incidents and conditions that brought the bitter root. It becomes a memorial, of sorts, anchoring our thoughts and emotions around a particular event that occurred at a certain time. It doesn’t allow us to mourn and move forward. Woefully, we remain in a perpetual state of unresolved grief that never completes its cycle.

Time for Perspective

He loves us and our relatives. He doesn’t want us to abide in discord or interactions that don’t reflect His love. While we may not necessarily want to give space, sometimes a time apart can bring the perspective that we need.

It isn’t only the time away, but what we do with it that infuses comfort and strength when we feel unsettled by relationship trouble. Talking with God and sitting in stillness bathes us in His peace while reminding us of His sovereignty and consistency.

Time to Process

It takes time and training to unlearn harmful behaviors that cut us off from the mutual expressions of love that we crave. We can take courage that this is not the end of the story for us. Until we begin to see the manifestation of our work on our own mental and emotional health show up in new thoughts, choices, and behaviors, we can trust God in the process.

As we wait and bind ourselves to His Truth, there are active steps we can take. We can gain the spiritual insight and the skills to overcome resentment as we engage in healthy communication with our family to establish the kind of boundaries that promote and preserve peace.

Time for Peace

We need to guard our hearts with God’s peace as we seek to heal and overcome resentment. While we may not necessarily perceive the connection between the way we love God and the way we love others, Scripture links the two. It challenges us to consider the disconnection between loving our Father whom we don’t see and simultaneously disdaining our sister or brother whom we can see (1 John 4:20).

Regardless of circumstance, the family members that we may be harboring resentment and bitterness against are also made in God’s image. We need the Holy Spirit so we don’t herald ourselves as martyrs or portray them as villains when we battle one common enemy, not flesh and blood (Ephesians 6:12)

Next Steps

Even as we walk through the difficult parts of our stories with our families, we can encounter the Lord and Father of all. Though we may not be able to reconcile a relationship, we can redeem our hurt in His presence. God makes good use, even of the bad, as He works all things together for good (Romans 8:28). As you walk your healing journey, consider inviting a counselor from this site to support you. Allow the Lord to help you in your process of overcoming resentment.