Premarital Counseling: How it Can Strengthen and Help Your Marriage

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Getting married is incredibly exciting, so why would we need premarital counseling beforehand? We’ve been together for years and are practically married already. What could a therapist possibly tell me about my partner that I don’t already know? If we need counseling before marriage, maybe we shouldn’t be getting married at all. These are some of the most common comments I’ve heard as a therapist over the years.

According to Olivine (2023), couples who undergo premarital counseling are 30% more likely to stay married and have a successful marriage compared to those who don’t. Premarital counseling is a great tool to utilize for the lifelong commitment you are about to make. Taking the time to research your investment is a smart move before you devote your time, heart, mind, body, soul, spirit, and money!

You clearly love your partner and want what is best for them because you would not be reading this if you weren’t serious about this investment. Kudos to you for taking that extra but necessary step to a more secure future. I assume that you want to marry your partner and be with them for the rest of your lives as most people in American culture do.

Therefore, it just makes sense to dive deeper into your relationship before committing. It surely does not harm you or your relationship to go to counseling together. Premarital counseling is designed to help you by covering foundational principles such as the vision you have for your marriage and your core values.

Premarital counseling to help you write your vision

As mentioned before, your marriage is going to be one of the biggest investments you ever make in your life. A wise investor will only capitalize where they see potential. What is the potential your partner possesses that other people do not provide for you? What is it about this person that makes you want to spend the rest of your life with them?

As you think about these questions, I am sure love plays a significant role, but is there more? Love is so beautiful and a valid reason to be with your partner. However, you will need more than just love to build a solid relational foundation. If you were building a house, would a hammer alone be enough to lay a foundation? No, it would not.

Think of your marriage as a house; a blueprint is needed before you can start building or it will not have any order. Writing your vision will take some time and require a multitude of discussions. Therefore, it is necessary to take the time to write your vision and make it plain.

What are your core values?

Whether based on personal, spiritual, or religious beliefs, everyone has a set of principles that guides them in their thought processes of what is right or wrong. The beauty love transcribes can sometimes cause us to overlook the importance of aligning our principles with our partners. Therefore, I strongly recommend having candid conversations about your CORE values with your partner.

As you discuss these values, you will learn what is important to you and your partner and together create about four values as a couple. Core values will influence everything you do and form the foundation of your home/marriage. These same values will be vital as you build your foundation and work if it is just the two of you or if you decide to expand your family.

Premarital counseling to learn some examples of core values

Our values are shaped by our unique experiences and upbringing. First, you must understand your own core values to maintain your individuality throughout your marriage. You must remember that you are an individual before you are a spouse. Having that precedence will aid in establishing your 4-6 core values collectively with your partner.

I suggest trying to keep it between 4-6 because it will be more manageable and cohesive. To better help you understand the concept of core values I shared some detailed examples below. These are merely suggestions but please feel free to utilize them if it fits you and your partner’s lifestyle.

Spirituality

What are your spiritual beliefs? What were your spiritual beliefs growing up? How have they changed? What are the similarities and differences between you and your partner when it comes to your spiritual beliefs? Spirituality is a major influence on how we determine right from wrong, how we live our lives, and how we handle challenges. Following these two rules will help govern your marriage:

1. Proclaim that you will allow nothing and no one to come between you, not even yourselves

This is a principle that I adopted from the wisest couple I have ever known. They taught me about the sanctity of marriage and how to maintain a lasting, healthy, and happy relationship. Whether it is premarital or marital counseling, I pass this wisdom to every couple I encounter. When faced with challenges, this rule will help lead you through it because it is easier said than done. It is difficult for many couples to fully grasp but when grasped, it is phenomenal.

2. Never go to bed angry at each other

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger. – Ephesians 4:26, ESV

This rule is commonly used. I love that it specifically aligns with rule no. 1. Typically, following rule no. 1 will lead to achievement in this rule. If you and your partner believe in God, I would suggest praying through everything but explicitly in these tougher situations. Some instances arise at times that cause our flesh or emotions to overtake us. Prayer can help us move past our flesh/emotions and gain a clearer perspective on the circumstances.

Honesty

Let’s be real, this is automatic in any relationship. I never met someone who enjoys being lied to or manipulated. Commonly, we all want honesty in our relationships. It is impossible to trust someone if they constantly lie to you. If we cannot trust our partner, the marriage will not be healthy. If that is offensive, you may not be ready for me to be your therapist.

I am an advocate for open and honest communication and will demonstrate that in our sessions. Having open and honest communication about everything is fundamental in marriage. Your partner should not only be your lover, but your best friend as well. If you cannot be open and honest with each other, you need to seriously consider premarital counseling.

Family

When you think about your family, what do you see? How do you want your family to be structured? When and how many, if any, children do you want? Do you want biological children, or would you rather foster or adopt children, or a mixture of both? How do you plan to discipline them? Do you want pets? If so, when, what species, and how many?

What will the household roles consist of? Will the wife cook and clean? Will the husband handle car issues and take out the garbage?  These are a few examples of the questions we discuss in premarital sessions to help sort out the familial dynamics.

Notice I said, “discuss.” I will not only ask questions, and you answer them but dive deeper into the “why” of the answers to make sure you fully understand your own and your partner’s needs, wants, and desires. The more we thoroughly comb through these answers the more successful the sessions will be, which will ultimately lead to a healthier marriage.

Gratification

Gratification encompasses a multitude of aspects. When I think about feeling gratification, I think of both individual and collective gratification with my partner. As I stated earlier, it is important to remember that we are individuals before we are someone’s spouse and/or parent. There are many failed marriages because of a lack of self-care and the reliance on their partner to “complete them.”

He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” – Matthew 19:4-6, ESV

When my partner and I attended a seminar with my premarital counselors, they helped us understand this scripture by explaining that it does not say “the two halves will become whole” but that “the two shall become one.” For two to become one, you must first be whole individually. We need to be complete within ourselves rather than relying on our partner to complete us. It is not our partner’s responsibility to “complete us.”

How can we become complete within ourselves? Take care of yourself by taking care of your health, enjoying your career as this occupies substantial time in your life, and setting individual goals as well as collective goals with your partner (daily, weekly, monthly, bi-monthly, yearly, etc.). Doing this will help increase and maintain your self-differentiation. The more you work on your differentiation, the healthier your marriage will be.

Next steps

Investing in your relationship is the best way to have a healthy marriage. Like any investment, it requires ongoing effort. I suggest that you continue to invest in your relationship even after you are married. Connect with other like-minded couples that will help you grow in your relationship. Go out on dates or have in-house dates! Take turns planning things for one another.

Spend time with your friends individually so that you maintain your own social life. Engage in spiritual activities together such as church, bible studies, praying together, and reading the Bible together. Make sure your sex life is abundant and fun and never use it as a weapon or treat it like a chore. Attend marital or couple’s retreats and seminars.

Never forget that counseling is always an option and that your marriage does not have to be suffering in order to go to counseling. This is just a glimpse of what to expect with premarital counseling. I urge you to please schedule an appointment to further invest in your marriage. I look forward to working with you.