Surviving Infidelity: Can Trust Be Rebuilt After Being Cheated On?

Infidelity can turn your world upside down, causing you to feel shocked, angry, wounded, betrayed, and confused. You may find yourself wondering if and how you can possibly heal from this overwhelmingly devastating experience. If so, take heart. As shattering as the betrayal of infidelity can feel, it does not have to mark the end of your relationship.

With hard work and dedication, trust and intimacy can be restored. It may, however, be a long and painful process that involves many difficult conversations and deep introspection. If you and your spouse are both willing to make that commitment, and with God’s help, it is possible to move forward and heal your relationship.

Types Of Infidelity

Infidelity is not always a physical act. There are many other ways a spouse can be unfaithful as well. Whether it is physical, emotional, spiritual, or virtual, infidelity in any form is always a breaking of trust and a violation of the marriage vow to forsake all others besides your spouse.

Physical infidelity Physical infidelity is the most obvious form of cheating. It is when one spouse has sex with someone other than his or her partner, and can include anything from a casual one-night stand to a passionate long-term affair.

Emotional infidelity Emotional infidelity occurs when one partner establishes an emotional connection with someone other than his or her spouse and shares feelings and thoughts with them that should normally only be shared with his or her partner. They are also recipients of the other person’s emotional support and companionship.

Spiritual infidelity Spiritual infidelity is when one spouse connects with someone other than his or her mate, and looks to him or her for comfort, help, and prayer during times of need and distress, eventually leading to an emotional attachment between the two of them.

Virtual infidelity Also known as cyber infidelity, virtual infidelity refers to a spouse engaging in sexual or emotional interactions with someone other than his or her partner by means of online technology such as texting, social media messaging, pornography, or explicit video calls. Even though he or she never meets them in person and there is no physical contact, it is still a breach of trust and a betrayal of marriage vows.

Surviving Infidelity If You Were the One Who Was Unfaithful

Feel all the feelings Acknowledge and feel all your emotions – shame, regret, embarrassment, grief. Feeling bad about what you did is warranted, but it needs to be separated from who you are.

Reflect on why it happened Reflecting on what factors played a part in your infidelity can help you understand what influenced your choices and enable you to learn from your mistakes, forgive yourself, and be accountable moving forward.

Change course with intentionality Set boundaries with coworkers or mutual friends, if necessary, and have an open conversation with your spouse about what is missing in your relationship that contributed to the infidelity. Then make a purposeful decision to move in a new direction.

Surviving Infidelity If Your Partner Was Unfaithful to You

Get to the bottom of your feelings If you are feeling angry, dig deep. Anger may be justifiable, but it can also be a mask for other, more painful emotions such as grief or fear. Look beneath the surface and allow yourself to feel and express all of those feelings.

Focus on facts Challenge negative thoughts that feed into your shame, anxiety, or embarrassment, and strip them of their emotional charge by sticking with facts.

Be willing to take some accountability for what happened Infidelity does not usually happen out of the blue. Typically, it is a symptom of an underlying problem in a relationship. Maybe your spouse felt lonely or unseen, or you spent a lot of time away from home. Consider the full picture of your relationship.

Setting the Stage for Emotional Healing

The process of healing from infidelity requires a combination of individual and couple work, as both you and your spouse look at what may have contributed to the affair. Even though it was one of you who was unfaithful, both of you are likely to have contributed to the dysfunction of the marriage that opened the door to infidelity.

The following steps can get you headed in the right direction.

Acknowledge your emotions Acknowledge and express your feelings openly and honestly. Dig deep to uncover feelings such as hurt, sadness, or fear that tend to hide behind the mask of anger.

Validate each other’s feelings As you discuss what led to infidelity, listen to each other reflectively and try to see things from one another’s perspective, respectfully acknowledging and validating one another’s feelings without being defensive, judgmental, or trying to justify your actions.

Identify what needs to change A good marriage doesn’t just happen. It takes work and commitment. No one is free from temptation, and infidelity typically happens in context. Look for negative patterns in your relationship that were not working, identify what needs to change, and agree on and commit to healthy alternatives going forward.

Prioritize individual self-care Taking care of your own personal and emotional well-being can provide a strong foundation as you work to rebuild your relationship together. This includes eating right, exercising, getting adequate rest, doing something small that you enjoy every day, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, practicing self-compassion, and seeking the additional support of counseling if needed.

Avoid common pitfalls Common pitfalls to avoid include constantly rehashing the betrayal, blaming each other or your circumstances, making impulsive decisions about the future of your relationship, and refusing to seek professional help.

Plan weekly outings just for fun Plan weekly activities such as date nights or outings during which you commit to having fun together and not discuss the infidelity or other issues you may be working through.

Be patient and extend grace to one another Healing together requires patience and grace, as well as mutual commitment and effort.

Stay grounded in the truth of God’s Word Look to God’s Word for encouragement, wisdom, and direction, and rely on Him for your happiness and strength.

Counsel And Encouragement from God’s Word

Marriage was intended to be a covenant and sacramental relationship. It is a lifelong partnership based on commitment, faithfulness, and sacrificial love – even through difficult times. It is also a picture of Christ’s relationship with the church.

“…at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? so they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” – Matthew 19:4-6, NIV

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. – Hebrews 13:4, ESV

Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her – Ephesians 5:26, NIV

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. – Ephesians 4:2, NIV

Infidelity is contrary to God’s plan for marriage. God understands your feelings and promises to comfort and strengthen you.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18, NIV

When the hurt has been shared and forgiveness has taken place, focus on the positives instead of the negatives as you move forward together. If you feel bitterness or anger flare up, release them to the Lord and ask Him to help you trust each other again.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. – Ephesians 4:31-32, NIV

If you need help and would like an appointment with a faith-based counselor at our location, please call the office. You don’t have to walk through this alone.