There’s Nothing More Dangerous Than a Woman Who Wants Peace

What does this even mean? Counselors often hear “I just want some peace!” from clients. While this sometimes happens with our male clients, most often it happens with our female clients, especially those over forty.

But why? Usually, it’s because they have reached an age where the children are grown or are grown and out of the house, the husband has been working for many years by now, leaving her alone during the day and things just have not changed. They no longer have the chaos of little feet running around or teenagers in the marching band and other sports to run to practice, games, meetings, etc.

Life has slowed down and they start to realize they’re not happy. Their life is a disorganized, unrecognizable mess. “I meant to change things, but the years flew by” is something I hear often.

The number of women over forty and even fifty who come to counseling for these reasons is not surprising. Often they are women who have put up with absent husbands due to long work hours, affairs, his difficult family, her difficult family, drama with the kids, drama with the kids’ boyfriends or girlfriends, and the list goes on.

So, what can you do about it when you realize you need peace?

Seek counseling

This is the best path, there’s no need to rush into any decision-making or make huge life changes just yet, seek out a counselor who you’re comfortable with to help you navigate these feelings.

Read some books

I always recommend reading some self-help books if you cannot afford to start counseling right now, or if you’re not sure counseling is right for you.

Pray

Is there something God is trying to tell you throughout this time? Do you need to spend more time with Him? Is it time to expand your life in other areas?

Journal

What brought on these feelings all of a sudden? Have they been there for a long time? What event occurred to make you feel now is the time to act on them? This will also help if you have an appointment with a therapist but not right away. Therapists always love it when you can bring things like a journal to the session and walk them through your feelings.

The most important thing to realize is that you do not have to do anything today. There is no action needed right now (unless you are in danger). So take a breath, and make that appointment.

You may not be able to get in with a therapist or counselor today, but what you can do is start journaling.

Some Benefits of Journaling

Helps improve stress and anxiety levels

Journaling helps us process feelings and has been shown to reduce blood pressure. According to the University of St. Augustine for Health Sciences, “Self-reported physical health outcomes of expressive writing have included improved liver function, reduced blood pressure, improved immune system functioning, and improved athletic performance.”

Why does it help with all of this? Because it helps us express ourselves and takes stress off of our bodies. By processing emotions it gives us an outlet. Have you ever felt better just by talking to a friend? Same idea.

It helps you organize your thoughts and work things through

One of the things I do that scares some of my clients, is I take them down “garden paths.” If someone says “I could never leave my job of fifteen years.” I say “But what if you did? What would that look like? How would your life change?” By making people think of alternate paths sometimes they realize they are happy where they are, but sometimes they realize it’s time to move on as well.

It helps you see where you have been

Journaling helps us see where we started. Even if it was a few weeks or months ago. Seeing your progress and how things have changed is beneficial and motivating for self-esteem and for helping you follow through with change which can take time.

Great, you’ve started a journal, now what should you do? Read some books! There are lots of books on the shelves in the psychology section, find two authors who are writing about what you are interested in and purchase their books. Why two? Same reason as “garden paths.” You want to look at different points of view so you can make your own decision after having different approaches.

Have you prayed about your situation or issue? Have you asked God to help you with what you’re dealing with? Make sure to do that as well. Think of the areas where God can step in and help you. Ask Him to show His presence there.

So what happens when women want peace? It means usually they are emotionally done with everything. Kids, husbands, jobs, the way their life is going, everything. Sometimes they cut off ties and leave the family. Sometimes they shake their families’ worlds.

One mom I spoke to years ago had a son who was a newlywed and a dad to a newborn. She had been helping them get used to being new parents and it had gone on for months. She exclaimed in my office “I’m not a free babysitter! I’ve raised all my kids!” You could hear the exhaustion in her voice. I asked her what she wanted to do. “I want to tell them “no.” I want to say I’m happy for you and I love you and I love my new grandbaby, but I want a life too, I’m a person too.”

After that, she burst into tears. I had never heard more true words come out of her “I’m a person too.” What ended up happening is she told her son “no” to babysitting, she told her husband “no” to helping with his mother (who had been quite demanding) and she told her ladies’ group “no” to organizing every get-together.

So why the word “dangerous”? Because when women who have been counted on start stepping back, it changes everyone’s lives. We do so much because we can. So what happens when we quit babysitting for free? Someone has to find childcare on their own.

What happens when we refuse to take care of a demanding mother-in-law? Our husband has to be an adult and do things for his own mother. What if we no longer organize the weekly get-together? Then someone else has to take on the responsibility.

When we decide to change our lives and calm our lives down, it affects a lot of people. Is this selfish? Well, I don’t think selfishness AKA, self-concerned, is necessarily a bad thing. When a woman tells me she wants peace, as a counselor I hear “I have overextended myself for a long time and I’m physically and emotionally exhausted.”

That is where we start, “Tell me about your weekly life, what activities, and things you do every week”. Then the truth comes out, “I do XYZ.” And what usually comes out is, “I’m exhausted and I’m tired of being taken advantage of.”

In essence, what I’m helping women with at this stage is to set boundaries. I’m helping them learn they don’t have to say “yes” to every babysitting request, they can say “yes” when they are in a good place and feel they want to babysit. They can say “yes” to organizing the ladies’ get-together for Valentine’s because they love Valentine’s Day.

Next Steps to Finding Peace

Having peace in our lives is beneficial in multiple ways. I encourage people to find a way to bring that peace where they can. If you are younger and have four kids under ten at home that may be difficult, but you can find a way to have a few hours to yourself.

Go to the bookstore for a couple of hours, order groceries for curbside pickup, and go an hour early and take a book or listen to music while you wait. There are ways to bring a little bit of peace and calm into our lives before we get to the point where we feel so incredibly overwhelmed.

In conclusion, there are many ways to find peace and calm in your life and not all of them have to be drastic, though sometimes they are, and that’s when you need a professional therapist to help you navigate the difficult decisions that will arise.