Turning a Spark into a Flame: Dating Advice for Men

Looking for dating advice for men? When Jesus was asked what the most important commands from God were, He answered:

Jesus replied: ”Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments. – Matthew 22: 37-40, NIV

That might seem to be a strange way to begin offering dating advice for men, but there’s some method to the madness. One of the challenges of modern dating and romantic relationships is that they have become quite transactional, and they often turn men and women into something resembling a product.

Whether it’s in person, on dating websites, or via the many dating apps available, people are often reduced to a commodity; you put yourself out there and people evaluate you, store you, or discard you.

The Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel says that modern dating is often like a job interview where you meet the other person, sit across from them, lock eyes with them and try to answer as best you can so that you can impress them. And as they are interviewing you, you’re interviewing them, checking to see if the other person impresses you and meets your requirements.

This can be quite challenging, as “Both men and women today see marriage not as a way of creating character and community but as a way to reach personal life goals. They are looking for a marriage partner who will ‘fulfill their emotional, sexual, and spiritual desires.’ And that creates an extreme idealism that in turn leads to a deep pessimism that you will ever find the right person to marry.” (Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage) The interview process that dating becomes is typically a checklist that often relies on superficial first impressions.

In contrast to this commodifying impulse, going the way of love as Jesus expresses it can help men approach relationships in ways that don’t commodify women and turn relationships into transactions. Timothy Keller, a pastor and author, echoes what Perel says. He notes that in contemporary Western society:

…the marketplace has become so dominant that the consumer model increasingly characterizes most relationships that historically were covenantal, including marriage. Today we stay connected to people only as long as they are meeting our particular needs at an acceptable cost to us. When we cease to make a profit – that is, when the relationship appears to require more love and affirmation from us than we are getting back – then we “cut our losses” and drop the relationship.

This has also been called “commodification,” a process by which social relationships are reduced to economic exchange relationships, and so the very idea of “covenant” is disappearing in our culture. Covenant is therefore a concept increasingly foreign to us, and yet the Bible says it is the essence of marriage. – Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

To love others means seeing them as human beings worthy of dignity, which has many side effects downstream when it comes to dating. The problem with commodifying another human being and living life guided by the consumer model Keller speaks about is that your affections and commitment are transient, lasting only until something better comes along. Having a different perspective will help men make wise dating decisions and build fulfilling and lasting relationships.

Dating Advice for Men

Be real and vulnerable

It’s hard enough to put yourself out there, and it’s even harder to be authentic as you do so. Dating in contemporary society is challenging because often you have one shot to make an impression before you’re dismissed. It can encourage a lot of fakery in the dating world. People contort themselves to position themselves as attractive potential mates. Sometimes that means outright lying, and at other times it means hiding parts of yourself.

Being vulnerable and honest doesn’t mean you tell people your deepest darkest secrets on the first date. That requires the trust that comes over time as they prove themselves reliable and capable of handling your treasures with care. Vulnerability and honesty mean not pretending to be someone you’re not.

It may also mean that if you feel like you connected, and you are thinking about them and want things to proceed, tell them. Either leave them a text or send a voice message which allows you to be more present to them. You are affirming them and letting them know where you stand and owning what you want. It can be daunting, but that vulnerability will save you the heartache of missed opportunities because of playing games.

Use activity to foster connection

The interview type of date may work for some people, but often it feels awkward and puts you on the spot. Instead of doing dates that way, it can be helpful to connect while doing an activity, whether that’s going to a live concert, a drive, a hike, a gallery opening, wine tasting, or something else.

Perel says that connection in context is important, and when you connect with another person during an activity that involves movement, your focus goes between what you’re doing and the other person. You can talk with the other person without having to look directly at each other the whole time. Having an activity that brings you together gives you something to connect over and allows you to interact at multiple levels.

Involve them in your world

There’s a lot to be said about connecting with your date in community. Often, people would rather connect privately, and only when things seem like they’re on a sure footing will they introduce them to their friends. That may work for some, but there’s another way to look at things.

The idea expressed above about connecting in context has some applications here too. Consider having your first date with friends around. That may sound radical, but it allows you to bring them into your world and see the web of relationships you’re part of. This will help them learn about you while skirting the information dump that many dates typically elicit.

Seeing your date among their friends, or them seeing you with your friends can tell a far more eloquent story about your respective life experiences, dreams, hopes, and more.

Be kind, and don’t ghost people

If after your date you don’t want to see the person again and you don’t feel that you are connected, then you should let them know. It’s better to be honest and kind rather than to play with them or string them along about your intentions.

Sometimes people will know they aren’t interested, but they’ll hedge their bets and keep people around in their dating rotation on the off chance they have a lonely Friday night at some point and need someone to spend the evening with. This is a cruel way to treat another person. Just as you wouldn’t want to be treated poorly, you shouldn’t do that to someone else.

Treat others with decency and the dignity they deserve as human beings made in God’s image. Treating others with decency and respect is the way to go, even if they don’t offer you the same courtesy.

Know your goal

Do you know why you’re dating? The currents of our culture and context are so strong that we sometimes do things without even thinking about them. Dating is just something people do, along with all the other accouterments that go with it, like casual sex. But you need to consider why you’re dating, and if the way you’re pursuing dating will help you accomplish that goal.

Casual sex and easy connections atrophy your soul. They don’t prepare you for a deep and committed relationship. If you’re looking for something that will last, then consider looking for someone who isn’t just attractive, but someone you can call a friend for life. Again, Keller helps us in this regard:

This principle – that your spouse should be capable of becoming your best friend – is a game changer when you address the question of compatibility in a prospective spouse. If you think of marriage largely in terms of erotic love, then compatibility means sexual chemistry and appeal.

If you think of marriage largely as a way to move into the kind of social status in life you desire, then compatibility means being part of the desired social class, and perhaps common tastes and aspirations for lifestyle. The problem with these factors is that they are not durable. Physical attractiveness will wane, no matter how hard you work to delay its departure.

And socioeconomic status unfortunately can change almost overnight. When people think they have found compatibility based on these things, they often make the painful discovery that they have built their relationship on unstable ground. A woman ‘lets herself go’ or a man loses his job, and the compatibility foundation falls apart – Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

If you want to build a relationship on stable ground, you need to peer beyond looks. Doing so requires you to be the sort of person who can see beyond looks and think long-term.

Getting help

Dating isn’t always easy for men. Sometimes, a man may struggle with communicating with women, perhaps due to shyness or a lack of confidence. Trauma from past relationships may also make trusting someone new quite a complicated endeavor. It’s possible to thrive in your dating relationships and to pursue them in ways that honor the Lord and dignify women.

If you’re looking for additional dating advice for men, individual Christian counseling at Texas Christian Counseling can provide you with the space you need to work through any anxieties or stumbling blocks that stand in the way of having meaningful romantic relationships. Your counselor can create a safe space for you to unpack your concerns.

Through various communication exercises and therapeutic techniques such as cognitive behavioral therapy, they can help you grow as an individual and be the best person you can be as a romantic partner. They can also help you understand God’s design for relationships. Your relationships matter. Reach out today to Texas Christian Counseling for an appointment with a counselor so that you can open a fresh chapter in your dating life.