What a Healthy Attachment Style Looks Like in Relationships

If you dip your toes on social media or just try to stay abreast of ongoing developments in our culture, you’re probably no stranger to the many dating and relationship horror stories out there. Perhaps there’s a tendency to dwell on negative experiences, skewing the algorithm, but there aren’t that many healthy, positive relationships characterized by healthy attachment out there to laud or model oneself after. That can be distressing and discouraging in itself.

As with most things, it can be eminently beneficial to know not only what to avoid but to state the case positively as well. What exactly should one look for in a relationship? Precisely what kinds of behaviors are healthy and ought to be green flags? What does it look like to have spiritually and emotionally healthy adults engaging in a romantic relationship? These are important questions with rewarding answers.

The Shape of a Healthy Attachment Style

The concept of attachment styles isn’t a new one. The work of John Bowlby, which was later developed by Mary Ainsworth, pointed out that the ways that people interact in their earliest relationships have a huge influence on later relationships. The idea is that we develop patterns early on for forming relationships and interacting with others in those relationships. When you get older, most of those patterns remain intact and affect adult relationships.

Of the various attachment styles that a person leans into naturally and from their life experiences, where you want to be is with a secure or healthy attachment. A healthy attachment style is the result of receiving consistent care and attention to one’s needs. It builds the expectation that you can express your needs, and they will not only be heard but also met.

In relationships, a secure or healthy attachment style is marked by a sense of trust and security. You’re able to trust other people and feel secure in relationships because experience has shown you that people are responsive to your needs and wants. The pattern of being able to express needs and have them met also creates space for better emotional regulation. You’re better able to identify what you feel and need, expressing these without escalating things.

Apart from trusting others and yourself, a secure attachment also lends itself to more effective communication. A securely attached person is better placed to communicate honestly, openly, and respectfully. You’re better able to listen actively and respond with empathy toward others because you’re not scrambling to protect yourself or be heard before the other person. A healthy attachment results in understanding and responding well to others’ emotional needs.

A healthy attachment style may also result in clear boundaries, which allow you to respect your own needs and those of others. As a result of a solid foundation, changing circumstances and relationships aren’t necessarily threatening, and you can adapt as needed. One benefit of this is emotional resilience, which is the ability to cope with setbacks, conflict, and challenges in relationships.

If you have a healthy attachment style, it puts you in the best position to handle the complexities of relationships with other people. Having anxieties about whether you are cared for or can trust the people around you can have devastating effects on your well-being, as well as how you handle your relationships.

What it Looks Like

What does a healthy attachment style look like in a relationship? Some examples have already been given, and it may be helpful to give a few more. When a person has a healthy attachment style, the way they conduct themselves will carry a balance of emotional intimacy, independence, and a healthy interdependence with others.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who has a healthy attachment style and you do not, it’s possible to misread their behavior. For instance, a person with an insecure attachment may feel the need to repeatedly check in with their partner, or they may be aloof to overtures for emotional connection because they are afraid of abandonment. The independence that comes with healthy attachment could be misread as a lack of concern or interest.

There are several key characteristics of what a healthy and secure attachment looks like in a relationship. These include the following:

Good communication A person with a healthy attachment will communicate their thoughts, needs, and feelings honestly, openly, and respectfully. They can listen attentively and make the effort to understand others’ emotions and perspectives. Even if they don’t agree with their partner, they can validate their emotions.

Conflict resolution Someone with a healthy attachment style is typically focused on finding solutions rather than on winning the argument. This means they address conflict directly and constructively.

They can manage and take responsibility for their own emotions and actions, and they can forgive and apologize because they have realistic expectations and recognize that mistakes and hurt happen in any relationship.

Emotional intimacy and vulnerability A secure attachment allows a person to feel comfortable being vulnerable and sharing themselves with their partner. They can share their desires, needs, fears, and emotions. They prioritize showing and giving affection and intimacy, as well as showing appreciation for others. They are also able to trust their partner to be reliable, honest, and supportive.

Healthy independence and interdependence Healthy attachment means a person can maintain their sense of individuality. They maintain friendships, hobbies, and interests outside of the relationship. While having autonomy, a secure attachment also allows a person to depend on others and rely on their support to accomplish goals, even as they also offer their support.

Personal growth A person with a healthy attachment style can self-reflect and nurture a working understanding of themselves, including their limitations. One result of this is the desire for personal growth, which they prioritize for themselves and support in their partner. Part of growth is being flexible and recognizing that a relationship requires change and compromise to flourish.

These are some of the characteristics that a person with a healthy or secure attachment style will embody in their relationships.

One of the realities is that a person with a healthy attachment style may be in a relationship with a person who has one of several different insecure attachment styles. This can result in challenges. For example, a person with a healthy attachment will tend to express themselves directly and clearly, while a person with an insecure attachment might use passive-aggressive or indirect communication. This can cause misunderstandings and frustration.

Another example could be that the individual with healthy attachment wants to address conflict directly and constructively work through issues. However, if their partner has an anxious attachment style, they may be oversensitive to overtures to address issues and read them as criticism or potential rejection. All of this demonstrates the reality that misunderstandings can and do still happen even with a healthy attachment style.

How to Nurture a Healthy Attachment Style

The fact that conflict and misunderstandings can still happen in relationships where at least one of the parties has a healthy attachment shouldn’t detract from the value of having a healthy attachment style. A healthy attachment style will help your relationship become more open, vulnerable, mutually supportive, and secure. Some of the steps you can take to nurture healthy attachment include the following:

Self-reflection and awareness Take a look at your life and relationships and consider what your attachment style might be. You can do some research to find out about the different forms of insecure attachment and grow in understanding what your own attachment style is, as well as how it affects you and your relationships with other people.

Look for healthy relationships There are some relationships that you know aren’t good for you. Maybe you stay in them because it feels normal, or because you’re afraid to be alone. It’s risky, but it’s a worthwhile risk; step away from those relationships and move toward surrounding yourself with people who are supportive, empathetic, and respectful toward you.

Practice effective communication You can grow in the skills that shore up a healthy attachment style by learning how to communicate effectively with other people. These skills include being better at listening attentively and without judgment, as well as expressing yourself assertively without blaming, shaming, or attempting to manipulate the other person. It takes time to grow and learn these vital skills.

Build emotional intelligence Emotional intelligence includes being able to recognize and respond appropriately to other people’s emotions, including your own. When you can do this, as well as regulate your own emotions, that will stop you from being emotionally reactive and a much better communicator.

Foster a growth mindset Setbacks will come along, but your frame of mind as you deal with them matters. Failure happens, but it’s important to embrace it as a challenge, learn from it, and in that way develop emotional and mental resilience.

Seek professional help An insecure attachment style has an origin story, and you can unpack and discover that story with help from a mental health professional. Knowing why is half the battle, and your counselor can also help you name and undo the unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior that fuel the insecure attachment style.

With support, you can nurture healthier patterns of relating to others and yourself. To learn more and to find the help you need, contact our office today.