What Healing from Infidelity Can Look Like

Dealing with infidelity, separation, or divorce in a marriage is one of the most disruptive, emotionally tumultuous chapters in anyone’s life. It can take years to sort through your emotions and find some kind of closure, enough to move on and start again. Before you see some sort of resolution, however, there will be a period where you cycle through all different kinds of thoughts and feelings.

Infidelity doesn’t only damage a marriage, but it causes all manner of harm to a person’s sense of self-worth and impacts their ability to trust others. Healing from infidelity can be a messy business. There will be times when you question if you’ve made any progress at all. Sometimes, it helps to consider what a person looks like while they are still traumatized by infidelity and to contrast that with what healing from infidelity can look like.

The Contrasts Between Trauma from Infidelity and Healing

There is no formula for healing, and every person’s path is unique. However, when you can see the difference between trauma and healing, the path forward begins to look easier. We might spend so long in a particular emotional state that it starts to feel normal. It can be incredibly difficult to let go of certain thoughts and feelings. Whether healing comes slowly or faster than we expected, it always helps to identify where we are in the process.

Being traumatized means I’m always looking back and wondering if they truly loved me or if I could’ve done something different to avoid what happened

Healing is realizing that “what ifs” don’t help. Prioritizing my peace and mental well-being is more important than analyzing a past lover’s intentions

Understanding why something happened is hugely important for closure. Before you can put the jigsaw puzzle pieces together, your brain will likely fill in the blanks with the most unhelpful and false information. That only ends up hurting you more. You might assume that your partner cheated because you were no longer attractive to them. Perhaps you believe that if you had only been more proactive, you could’ve made it harder for them to cheat.

The truth is that you might never know the reason for someone’s choice to cheat. At some point, you will have to accept that nothing you could have done would’ve changed the outcome. They made their choice, and now you must make yours. What matters now is your peace of mind, your health, and your future.

Being traumatized means that I feel as if I tolerated so much mistreatment in the past, and I’m ashamed of that

Healing means giving myself grace. I did not know the full scope of things at the time, and carrying shame will not help me now

It’s natural to blame people when you are navigating the end of a relationship. An essential part of healing happens when the offending partner takes responsibility for their actions. However, you might need to address the feelings of guilt you might still be carrying.

Remember that everyone needs to give love and to feel loved. That’s the reason you got into a relationship in the first place. Their failure to love you is something that they must own. When you needed affection, acceptance, attention, or affirmation from them, that was not a failure or weakness on your part. Give yourself some grace, and don’t carry guilt for the times when you wanted to be loved by someone who ought to have been loving you.

Being traumatized means always explaining myself because I am desperate to be seen and understood

Healing is accepting that some people will misunderstand me, but what matters most is that I understand and validate myself

Few people navigate infidelity and divorce privately, even though they wish they could. When news of the events breaks, friends, family members, and acquaintances will share their opinions, and they might take sides. One of the most frustrating and hurtful aspects of navigating infidelity is feeling misunderstood by the onlookers of the relationship.

At some point, however, you will realize that the validation that means the most comes from yourself. Others may see you as a weak victim or unwise for handling things the way you did. You can’t change their opinion. It’s not worth your energy to try and correct them. You will experience healing as you simply continue with your life, knowing who you are on the inside. Other people do not define your worth, nor do they determine your identity.

Being traumatized is being upset that they are moving on so quickly while I am still struggling

Healing is realizing that their choices no longer impact my life

Working through the end of a relationship or marriage is a form of grief. In bereavement, people mourn the loss of someone close to them. In a breakup, people mourn the loss of a future they could have had and a past they will never reclaim.

Even though divorce should feel final, it can take years to register that your lives are now separate. Even if they are struggling in the same way, whatever choices they make have nothing to do with you or the past you once shared with them.

Many people think that getting into a new relationship after a breakup is proof that they have moved on. In reality, many people begin new relationships before they are ready, causing the new relationships to suffer.

Moving on from infidelity can mean that you are ready for another relationship. Often, however, staying comfortably single is a greater sign of healing after infidelity. Just as their choices have nothing to do with you anymore, your choices should have nothing to do with them.

Being traumatized is being afraid of the future

Healing is taking things day by day and showing up for yourself first

Stepping away from a spouse or ex-lover is a massive step, and it’s not uncommon to feel vulnerable, helpless, and exposed. When you had previously hitched your life and future to someone else’s cart, it can be disorienting to be alone with no plans for the future. There are suddenly many practical things to consider, and even more when children are involved.

You don’t have to have your future figured out. Few people do. The future seems overwhelming when it feels uncertain, threatening you with all the things you fear. The best you can do is show up for yourself and your kids. Simply keep doing that one day at a time. This means maintaining your health and hygiene, eating well, enjoying treats, finding the small joys in life, and having a lot of grace and patience for those around you.

Getting Help Healing From Infidelity

Healing from the trauma of infidelity is a long journey. It might be complex and frustrating. It might take a long time to shift perspectives in your mind, just as it takes bravery to face life as a newly single person. Time does not automatically heal all wounds, but things do get easier to face.

Be patient and kind to yourself, stop taking unnecessary blame for things, and approach life one day at a time. One day, you will blossom again; there are many more seasons ahead of you.

Dealing with infidelity, separation, or divorce is a tough road to take alone. Sometimes, we need support in ways that friends and family can’t provide. Counselors know how to handle the complexities of grief and trauma. They are empathetic people with a deep knowledge of others. If you would like to unpack your experience with a counselor, please contact our offices today, and we can connect you with one.