What is Grief? What to Expect in Each of the Stages of Grief and Loss

We all have many different life experiences that make us unique. However, if we live long enough, grief is a shared experience many of us carry. Grief can be described as a response to loss. This usually involves the death of someone, but it can also include other losses such as divorce, loss of a home or job, or loss of health or independence.

Grief is normal and healthy

Grief is a normal and healthy response to loss. We might have grown up with the idea that grieving is abnormal and unhealthy (real men don’t cry), but this just isn’t true. God designed us to love and care deeply, and the response to losing those we love is grief.

Not only is it normal, but it’s also healthy. When we refuse to grieve, we actually cause ourselves harm. It’s like a balloon. We can only stuff so much air into a balloon before it pops. We are like that with our emotions. We can only “stuff” our feelings so much before we pop, too.

We might explode in anger, experience depression, or even experience physical symptoms such as stomach problems or headaches. Also, unresolved grief can build upon itself when we experience the next grief. When we choose to sweep things under the rug, we are just causing ourselves more work and agony the next time we experience loss.

When we grieve, we not only grieve the loss of the person, but we mourn the loss of the roles, dreams, nuances, and routines that went along with our relationship with them. These are called secondary losses. Roles include parts the loved one played that will possibly need to be passed on to others. Some examples of this are the “fun one”, tech guy, party planner, banker, cook, etc.

We experience a loss of dreams and expectations, such as the deceased person not being able to be there when grandchildren are born. More subtle things include the way a person smells, physical touch such as sleeping in the same bed, etc. There are also many changes in routine when we lose someone. This might include having Thanksgiving at someone else’s house or changing from a couple’s Sunday school class to a women’s or men’s class.

Everyone grieves differently. This is based on many factors such as personality, type of death, our relationship with them, support systems, etc. For instance, an individual would normally grieve the peaceful passing of their ninety-year-old grandmother differently than their child suddenly being killed in a car accident.

The type of death and circumstances surrounding it often have a major impact. Sometimes a good relationship with the deceased makes their death harder, but a rocky, estranged relationship can also make grieving difficult.

The Five Stages Grieving Model

One common grief model puts typical grieving into five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Let’s look at what we might expect from each stage.

Denial

Denial usually happens when we first learn about the loss. It can include shock, numbness, confusion, and fear. Our bodies and minds cannot process the news we have just received, and it is hard to believe what has happened. It can be a protective coping mechanism that helps us get through those first few weeks. It helps us be able to plan funerals and make lots of hard decisions.

Often people will wake up from sleep and wonder if the loss really happened or if it was just a dream. It might cause us to walk into that person’s house and briefly look for them or call them, forgetting that they aren’t there to answer. Sometimes people are concerned that they don’t have much emotion in the beginning. All of these are common in the first stage.

Anger

Anger is common in the grieving process and can be directed at many different people. We might be angry with ourselves for not doing something differently or spending enough time with them. We might be angry with a doctor or the driver who caused a car accident. We might be angry with God for allowing this terrible thing to happen. We might even be angry with the deceased for not taking better care of themself or for how they treated us.

Sometimes we’re angry because we had such a good relationship with them, and sometimes we’re angry because it was a traumatic or difficult relationship. Anger is often described as a secondary emotion, meaning we’re never “just angry.” We experience anger because of some other emotion such as pain, embarrassment, or guilt. We experience many varied emotions when we grieve, and they often come out as anger.

Bargaining

This takes place when we have “if only” thinking. “If only we didn’t go on vacation.” “If only we had seen the doctor sooner.” We use magical thinking to try to undo something that happened. We often experience guilt in this phase. We blame ourselves for the death, thinking somehow we could have prevented it.

We wish we had spent more time or said certain things. We spend lots of time longing for the person to come back and grasp at anything to try to undo what has happened. We know logically this is futile, but it is a natural part of grief.

Depression

This can take many forms. Of course we feel sad, but it usually goes deeper than that. We might experience physical symptoms such as headaches, pain, or stomach problems. We might not be able to sleep or sleep too much. We might not enjoy doing things that used to bring us joy. Difficulty concentrating and making decisions is also difficult during this phase. We can feel like we’re in a fog, or our brain just won’t work right.

Isolation from others is often common. Part of us knows we should and need to get out and be around friends, but we just don’t want to. Sometimes it’s because we feel sad, and sometimes it’s how we perceive others at this time. We might be angry that people didn’t reach out to us in the way or as frequently as we wanted. Sometimes we are aggravated that people won’t leave us alone.

People often don’t know how to act around the grieving person or what to say to them. They often say foolish and unintentionally hurtful things. “They’re in a better place.” “You should be thankful your dad lived that long.” Others are uncomfortable and feel the need to fill the silence with ill-thought-out words.

This hurts and frustrates us and makes us feel like others just don’t understand. Sometimes they avoid the grieving person or avoid the elephant in the room because they don’t know what to say or do. All of these can cause isolation and hurt. It’s also easy to have irrational thinking and be oversensitive during this time.

Acceptance

Acceptance is the final stage of grief. It is the opposite of bargaining or longing for what was lost. We finally accept the reality that our loved one is no longer here. While we never truly get over the loss, we learn to live with it. It becomes our new normal and is a sense of finality.

Often, those who have moved on to the acceptance phase of grief desire to give back to others. It helps them make sense of the loss by turning it into something good. This can include giving money in the person’s name for a cause, leading a grief group, or bringing a meal to a person who has just experienced loss.

Often people want to know how long the grieving process lasts. Unfortunately, there is no time limit or date on the calendar when it will be over. Some experts say grief lasts about two years, but that can depend on a lot of factors. The first year will be hard because we have to experience all the “firsts”: first Christmas, first birthday, and the anniversary of their death. These are often hard days for several years.

Next Steps

Grieving is one of the hardest events we can experience in life. There isn’t a pill to take or a procedure to hurry it up. We have to give ourselves time and permission to grieve. Grief takes time, but it also takes work.

If you feel you are struggling with your grief, don’t go it alone. Talk to a counselor or grief group to walk with you through this difficult time. They can give you a safe place to express your thoughts, memories, and emotions and help you work through this painful process.