When Gaslighting Destroys You

Gaslighting is a term that is becoming more commonly used to define abusive relationships. It happens when you aren’t even aware. It may seem subtle at first but then it implodes into a whirlwind of emotions. Trying to describe how gaslighting happens can be difficult at times because of the persona of the abuser. Understanding the gaslighting signs can help you recognize whether you are in an abusive relationship.

What is gaslighting?

The term gaslighting is used to describe the behavior of an abuser who wants to make you believe that you are responsible for their actions. While it may look like gaslighting is nothing to be concerned about it is deeply detrimental to the victim’s mental health. It may even appear that there aren’t any relationship problems. The reality of gaslighting is that it can be subtle yet damaging.

The term gaslighting comes from a movie from the 1940s in which a husband was trying to make his wife believe she was losing her sanity. By saying things and manipulating her surroundings he was hoping to steal family heirlooms from her. The title was simply “Gaslight” and referred to how he would dim the gas lights in the house and try to convince his wife that she was just imagining that it happened.

Behaviors of the Abuser

The behaviors associated with someone who uses gaslighting to gain power and control are many. There is not one specific behavior that is a definite sign of gaslighting. A combination of any of the following would be a good indicator of a person who is using gaslighting to manipulate their partner.

They try to create a sense of doubt

To maintain control of the situation and relationship, the abuser will often deny the behavior ever happened. They will also use this to make the victim feel dependent on the abuser.

They minimize the victim’s feelings

Any time the victim tries to talk about how they feel the abuser will try to convince them that they are just being overly sensitive. They may use the phrase “I was only kidding” to make the victim feel like they overreacted.

They seek to create a sense of insanity for the victim

One of the most common phrases that a gaslighter will use is “You are just acting crazy.” They do this so that they can keep the victim in a sense of feeling like they aren’t normal.

They always deflect the responsibility for their actions onto the victim

This is a common behavior that is portrayed by a gaslighter. They twist the story to make it seem as though you caused whatever happened. They may say something like, “If you wouldn’t have said that, I wouldn’t have gotten that angry.”

They show hot/cold emotions

This behavior is portrayed as going back and forth from praise to emotionally hurtful verbal abuse. This can happen amid one conversation and cause so much confusion to the victim.

They use compassion as a weapon

One of the most confusing gaslighting signs is the one in which the abuser tries to use sweet talk to gain forgiveness for their hurtful behavior.

They lie even when confronted with proof

Even when you can provide proof that the abuser is lying, they will not change their story. They will claim that “you are making it up.” They can be quite convincing.

They discredit you through gossip and rumors

Even though the abuser may seem to be legitimately worried about you, they will use gossip to get others to believe that you are just making up stories. They may also lie to you about people talking badly about you.

They keep you isolated. To keep people on the outside, an abuser will try to keep you away from people who may be a support system for you.

Signs That You Are the Victim of Gaslighting

Being the victim of gaslighting can cause serious mental health issues as well as physical problems. Anxiety and depression are two of the most common ailments caused by being the victim of gaslighting. Because it can be so extreme, gaslighting can also cause a person to start having thoughts of suicide. If any of these signs of gaslighting describe your situation then you should contact someone you trust to get help.

Do you doubt that the situation is that bad?

You may be thinking that you are overreacting and it’s really not that bad. You have been told many times that you are just being dramatic.

Do you question your decisions?

Do you feel that you have a hard time making decisions and being confident in those decisions because you distrust yourself?

Do you feel as though you experienced the behavior?

When something happens do you question whether you correctly remember what actually happened?

Do you question the validity of your judgment?

Are you able to trust your instinct? The core behavior in gaslighting is creating doubt for the victim.

Do you lack self-esteem?

When you are a victim of gaslighting you will show signs of low self-esteem. The gaslighter doesn’t want you to be confident enough to believe they are abusing you.

Do you find yourself always apologizing?

Even when you don’t think you did anything wrong you seem to apologize. You may even apologize for just being who you are.

Do you find yourself just waiting for something bad to happen?

You may be anxious and edgy because you feel like something is about to happen. You feel like you are walking on eggshells.

Do you feel as though your family and close friends no longer want to be around you?

By keeping you in isolation the abuser ensures that your support system will not be able to help you see what the true situation looks like.

Do you believe that you cannot be without your partner?

Feelings of being insecure can be a problem when the gaslighter continues to make you feel as though you are having mental health problems.

Do you feel disappointed?

Do you feel that you are not as strong as you should be? Do you think that others are always disappointed in you because you are not who you want to be?

How do I get out of the situation?

If you feel that you are in a relationship in which you are being gaslit you can take steps to protect yourself. These may include:

Distance yourself from the relationship

Getting away from the situation may give you the space you need to evaluate what is going on and how it is affecting you.

Set boundaries with others

Let people know what behaviors you feel are acceptable. Be sure that you clarify what will be allowed by the other person.

Talk to someone you trust

Talking to someone who is outside of the relationship may give you the insight you need to help you gain a better perspective of the situation.

Save any evidence of behaviors

When something happens keep anything that may prove what you say. Text messages and emails are documents that can help.

End the relationship

Though this may be the most difficult thing to do it is probably the best option. Because a gaslighter will use whatever means to make you feel that you are overreacting, leaving the relationship may become stressful.

How does gaslighting affect my mental health?

When you have been a victim of gaslighting for an extended amount of time you may find that you suffer from depression and anxiety. You feel as though you are never going to know what peace feels like. Because you have been exposed to so much self-doubt you question if anything you do is right. You may also tend to feel as though you no longer want to live. You will also find that you may suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.

What’s next?

If you feel like you need assistance in determining whether your relationship shows gaslighting signs, please contact a Christian counselor in your area. They are willing to help you identify and overcome the effects of gaslighting.