How to Improve Communication in a Relationship

Good communication involves more than just an exchange of information. It is about building trust and connection and creating a secure, supportive space where you can feel safe to openly share your thoughts and feelings, express your needs, set boundaries, and manage conflict in a healthy and considerate way.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood. – Steven R. Covey

Knowing how to communicate effectively is key to a fulfilling relationship based on mutual respect and emotional harmony. It enables you and your partner to understand one another better and face life’s challenges with a shared sense of purpose and empathy. When you don’t know how you are more likely to have arguments, hurt one another’s feelings, and feel isolated and misunderstood.

Hurdles That Interfere With Effective Communication

Some people find it difficult to clearly articulate their thoughts and feelings. Emotional issues such as fear, stress, judgment, anxiety, anger, unmet needs, feeling unacknowledged, or poor self-esteem, can all create hurdles to effective communication by causing you to withhold your thoughts, bottle up your feelings, and react in critical and unproductive ways that result in misunderstandings and conflicts that eat away at the foundation of your relationship.

Differences in communication styles and expectations, as well as a failure to actively listen to each other, can also cause barriers. We each have a unique way of processing information and expressing ourselves, and if you let your biases or past experiences color the way you interpret your partner’s words, it can easily lead to misinterpretations.

Identifying Areas That Need Improvement

Communication is a skill that can be learned and improved upon with practice, patience, and the willingness to be vulnerable. An important first step, however, is to identify specific areas that need improvement, such as the following destructive patterns of communication.

Passive-aggressive behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior is when you communicate your anger or resentment indirectly in ways that seem harmless on the surface, instead of openly talking about it and addressing the conflict head-on.

Some examples would be making cutting, insulting, or sarcastic remarks about your partner, masked as jokes; giving him or her the silent treatment or acting cold and distant; making sly digs or giving him or her backhanded compliments; or agreeing to do something, and then procrastinate, make intentional mistakes, or do it poorly; always being late to appointments and keeping your partner waiting; or frequently complaining about feeling unappreciated.

Disregarding your partner’s perspective

There is always more than one way to view a situation. No one is always right. When you disregard your partner’s perspective, brush his or her emotions aside, fail to take his or her thoughts and feelings into consideration, or talk over or ignore the points he or she is trying to make, it is impossible to bridge the gap and find a win-win solution to your issue.

Re-hashing the past

Don’t allow a discussion about what is happening now to turn into a rehash of every wrong your partner has ever committed. You can’t change the past, so choose to let it go. Constantly rehashing arguments or bringing up past mistakes is more likely to be counterproductive, make him or her more defensive, and prevent conflicts from being resolved.

Blaming

Seeing each other as enemies instead of allies and blaming each other for the problems in your relationship instead of accepting responsibility for any part you may have played will only erode the emotional bond between you and your partner and increase the disconnect between you.

Stonewalling conversations

Stonewalling is shutting down emotionally, disengaging yourself, and withdrawing mid-conversation. He or she appears to be ignoring you or pretending that you are not there, preventing the necessary discussion from happening, and leaving the conflict unresolved.

Disrespectful nonverbal communication

Body language and tone of voice can influence how what is being said gets interpreted even more than the words. If, for instance, you do things like keep checking your phone or the time instead of facing your partner and making eye contact; have a scowl on your face; or roll your eyes at him or her during a disagreement, it is likely to make him or her feel disrespected and worsen the issue.

Helpful Tips To Improve Communication in a Relationship

Be present

Being present means keeping your mind completely focused on what your partner is saying rather than allowing it to drift to thoughts of other things.

Practice active listening

Active listening means listening to understand rather than engaging in a debate you want to win. It involves fully concentrating on what your partner is saying with an open mind and without judging, interrupting, or planning your reply while he or she is still talking.

It can also include asking questions to clarify what you are hearing, and then responding thoughtfully and empathetically to validate his or her thoughts and feelings, signal that they are important to you, and show that you care.

Use “I” statements

How you speak to your partner can make all the difference. Direct your frustration at your partner’s behavior rather than at him or her. Instead of blaming, accusing, or verbally attacking him or her personally for what you think they are doing wrong, for instance, address the issue using “I” statements to express how it makes you feel.

This approach prevents your partner from feeling attacked or unappreciated and is more likely to make them willing to listen and work with you to find a mutually agreeable solution.

Be kind and respectful

Accept the fact that every situation can be seen from two different points of view and that both are equally valid. Show respect for your partner’s perspective even if you don’t agree and look for a solution that works for both of you.

Ask open-ended questions

Asking thoughtful, open-ended questions rather than ones that only require a yes or no answer shows your partner that you care about their thoughts, feelings, and needs, opens up the conversation, and makes it easier for them to dig deeper and communicate more effectively.

Strengthen your emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence is the ability to effectively manage your own emotions as well as understand the emotions of other people. It can help build stronger channels of communication between you and your partner and deepen the level of empathy and connection between you.

This skill can be cultivated by regularly checking in with each other’s feelings, addressing concerns openly and honestly, listening to one another, respecting the validity of one another’s emotional reality even if it is not the same as your own, and expressing yourself with clarity and compassion.

Pay attention to non-verbal communication cues

Communication involves more than words. Pay attention to whether your or your partner’s body language reflects what you are saying. Being aware of and using appropriate non-verbal communication cues such as eye contact, gestures, posture, and facial expressions can enhance engagement and understanding.

Set boundaries and expectations

Setting clear boundaries provides a mutual understanding of expectations; creates a safe, supportive environment; and can help ensure that you and your partner feel secure, respected, and valued and that your needs are honored and met.

Next Steps

If you are struggling with relationship issues and need more help than this article could provide, consider reaching out to a trained mental health professional for help and support. Counseling can help you learn how to communicate more effectively by working through underlying issues, identifying unhealthy patterns, and identifying and addressing the addressing the underlying issues at the root of your communication problems.

If you would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors at our location, please give us a call today. Your first appointment is risk-free.