How to Improve Communication in a Relationship: Confrontational Situations

Improving communication in relationships requires being a fair and impartial judge in confrontational situations. We must make judgment calls in daily situations, especially in complex relationships or strained communications. Separating the judgment of people from the judgment of situations is vital to ensure fairness and impartiality.

We should not let our feelings or biases cloud our interactions or decisions. We need to make fair and unbiased decisions when we communicate. Handling confrontations effectively is crucial for maintaining healthy and respectful relationships, as it helps resolve conflicts and prevents misunderstandings from escalating.

We make decisions every day. Some decisions are small, such as what we will eat for dinner or watch on television. We may act self-centered in these situations because they only affect us. However, when we are in a relationship with another person, we must be more mindful and responsible in our decisions as they affect others. This is especially important to keep in mind when we are in a confrontational situation.

Confrontational situations because of accusations

Confrontational situations are often the result of accusations. Some of the things that we are accused of are pleasant such as someone telling us that we are generous or kind. Unfortunately, there are times when we may be accused of something that is not as flattering. We may be accused of being selfish, biased, or even mean-spirited.

How you respond to this type of accusation is important for maintaining your reputation, relationships, and accountability to God. So how should we respond when someone accuses us of something unflattering?

Pause and reflect

The first step in crafting a proper response is to pause when possible and reflect on the situation. Avoid being reactionary in your responses, especially when angry. Step back to calm down before responding.

Assess the situation

After you have put a little distance between your emotions and your response, it is time to make a fair and honest assessment of the situation. This is the time when you should ask yourself the hard questions. Try to be impartial, unbiased, and objective when determining whether there is truth to the accusation. Have you genuinely wronged someone, whether intentionally or unintentionally?

In our humanity, we tend to be our harshest critics and our greatest allies depending on the circumstances and our self-image. Determine whether you are giving yourself more grace than you would someone else or if perhaps you are taking on unnecessary guilt.

Craft a response

Once you have a fair understanding, respond thoughtfully. Determine whether your accuser’s claims are valid so you can craft a reasonable response. Apologize if necessary and address the issue calmly.

Example:

Ashton has had an unreciprocated crush on Rebecca for years. When Rebecca starts dating someone else, Ashton starts a rumor that she is cold-hearted and mean.

After reflecting on the situation, Rebecca realizes that while Ashton should not gossip and spread rumors about her, she has been more distant and has not spent as much time with Ashton as she had prior to her new relationship. Rebecca decides to apologize to Ashton for not spending as much time with him. In turn, Ashton also realizes that his rumors were driven by jealousy.

Confrontational situations because of crossed boundaries

Another situation that we are often confronted with in our relationships is the crossing of boundaries. Human relationships are often a push and pull as we try to protect our own comfort zones and either respect others or try to infringe on them.

This tension over boundaries can often result in a complicated relationship, uncomfortable conversations, and in confrontational situations. When you feel your boundaries have been crossed, it is important to make a fair, objective determination before you respond.

Evaluate your boundaries

Ask yourself whether you were clear in creating your boundaries and communicating them with the other party. It’s also good to evaluate whether your boundaries are reasonable and fair to the other person.

Respond to boundary crossings

If you have contemplated the situation and determined that your boundaries are fair and have indeed been violated, then you can develop a proper and assertive response. If after your self-examination, you determine that you have been unfair or irresponsible, it is equally important to communicate that to the other person.

This will take humility and guts, but it is important to be willing to take responsibility for your actions should you determine that they were unwise or unkind.

Example:

Consider the example of Hannah, who is pregnant, and her neighbor Dorothy. While Hannah and Dorothy have a friendly neighborly relationship, they do not connect on a personal level often. But Dorothy, being older than Hannah, feels compelled to share all her pregnancy advice with her.

At first, Hannah is grateful for Dorothy’s interest in her life. Dorothy’s interest soon turns to hostile judgment when Hannah does not follow some of her advice. While Dorothy’s interest and investment in Hannah’s life are endearing, no one should force Hannah into taking advice that she does not feel is right for her or her baby. Dorothy has crossed over Hannah’s boundaries and has no right to feel angry toward her.

Confrontational situations because of unmet expectations

Sometimes the troubles we have in our relationships are just a matter of expectations that have not been met. We humans tend to place expectations on people in our lives. We may expect a thank you note when we give a gift, or we may expect someone to hold the door for us if we approach it at the same time. If our expectations are not met, we tend to be angry and resentful and think poorly of the person who did not meet our expectations.

Assess expectations

If you are confronted with an angry exchange with someone in your life, take a moment to assess whether the source of the anger is a result of an unmet expectation. If an expectation is determined to be at the root of the relationship issue, then it must be determined whether the expectation was reasonable to begin with.

If you have placed an unreasonable expectation on someone else and they have not met it or if someone has put an unreasonable expectation on you that you haven’t met, it may create anger. However, that anger may not be justified.

Respond to unmet expectations

While it is good to be kind and generous with our time and resources, the receiver should also be grateful and humble. If the recipient is not grateful for the gift, it does not mean that we should become angry and expect gratitude in return. We should be willing to “give as unto the Lord” without an expectation of praise.

But that does not mean that we must continue to be generous when that generosity is taken advantage of, or it turns into a manipulative and abusive situation. Sometimes generosity can become toxic. When the recipient is manipulative and demanding, the giver needs to respond peacefully and directly.

Example:

Take, for example, Aunt Anna and her nephew, Joey. Anna is elderly and incapacitated. Her children have all moved away and have left her alone to care for herself. Her nephew Joey has graciously and generously helped to care for her without any monetary compensation.

Anna becomes resentful of her children and often takes it out on Joey. She then becomes demanding and expects Joey to care for her and gets angry when he is unable to meet all her increasingly demanding requests.

Joey is modeling a Christ-like example of generosity and humble servitude. While Joey should not be expecting compensation or gratitude, he should also be aware of when his generosity and sacrifice become disrespected and expected.

Anna has no right to become angry when Joey’s generosity and practical help are no longer possible. This is a case where an expectation was unreasonable, and when it was unmet, produced anger, and resentment. Joey should set boundaries and communicate when he can no longer meet her increasing demands.

Difficult communication

Being an impartial judge of your actions can be difficult, but what might be even more challenging is having the conversations necessary to address the situation. No matter what outcome you have prayerfully come to, it is essential that you show the love of the Lord in your response. Speak assertively and calmly. Do not make further accusations or reduce yourself to name-calling. Speak the truth and apologize when necessary.

Seeking counsel

Some situations will arise in your life that may seem overwhelming and ambiguous. If you are too close to the situation and feel that you have too many emotions to sort through to find the truth, it is wise to seek counsel from a professional therapist.

A therapist at Texas Christian Counseling can give you an unbiased and objective perspective on your specific situation. They can help you determine the root of your emotions and the path through the difficult circumstances in your relationships.

To find a Christ-centered professional therapist in Texas, contact us today at Texas Christian Counseling.