Recognizing Safe People after Trauma

Whether you have recently experienced a traumatizing situation or you endured years of trauma in childhood, you might find it difficult to trust people. Your instincts might be to isolate yourself and maintain one or two close friendships. However, eventually, there will come a time when you will have to confront your past experiences. This might be prompted in a professional context with coworkers or when building new friendships.

It takes time and practice to connect with people and form healthy bonds. Being able to recognize safe people will go a long way to help you move forward and heal from past trauma.

Once bitten, twice shy

Trauma always impacts a person’s ability to trust. You might not be aware of the fact that you have trust issues. Even if you recognize them, you still might not connect them with a previous experience.

The woman who escaped a violent relationship might now view men differently and shy away from romantic connections with them. The person who left a toxic workplace might struggle to adjust in a different environment. The teenager who grew up with cruel parents might now view the concept of family through a cracked lens.

The way people approach their future and navigate their present is informed by whatever they experienced in the past. Although in your eyes, you may be guarding yourself from potential hurt, you may also be blocking your own blessings and opportunities to build fruitful relationships.

People have many different instincts that are woven into their nervous systems, primarily among these being their instinct for survival and self-preservation. Most of the time, self-preservation after trauma looks like self-reliance and isolation. However, an important part of survival is community and connectedness.

Our instincts tell us that to be alone and cut off is a vulnerable position to be in. We sense that we would be safer with even a few people in our lives. This tug-of-war between our survival and self-preservation instinct is only resolved when we take a risk and let someone in again.

Recognizing Who Is Safe and Who Isn’t After Trauma

You don’t have to take thoughtless risks as far as trusting people is concerned. If there is a certain type of person who makes you feel unsafe and raises red flags for you, it’s OK to keep your distance from them. However, you will heal best in the context of relationships, so at some point you will have to let someone in. It can be tricky knowing who to trust, but here are some hallmarks of people who will be good for you as you heal from past trauma:

People Who Respect Your Boundaries

Safe people will never demand more from you than you are willing to give. Even though they might encourage you to explore uncomfortable ideas, they will only do so for the sake of your growth and healing.

Ultimately, they will respect your boundaries and agency and accept “No” as a complete sentence or reason for not wanting to do something. The more time you spend with them, the more you will start to feel strengthened, courageous, and a little more in control of your world.

People Who Treat You Like an Adult

Every parent should aim to raise fully mature, self-confident adults who can face life’s problems head-on. Unfortunately, many people find themselves in families, relationships, or workplaces where they are either neglected, controlled, or even abused.

These approaches are traumatizing and ultimately make a person feel helpless and worthless. Safe people will build you up and remind you that you have what it takes to face challenges and continue trying even after failing. These people will speak life over you, using words of encouragement to uplift you.

People Who Encourage You to Dream

When you are in survival or self-preservation mode, you can’t consider the future. You may tend not to be able to see beyond the pain and hurt from the past. Dreaming and hoping can be dangerous, and there is always a chance you will find yourself in the company of someone who is pretending to have your best interests at heart.

However, with discernment and boundaries, you will be able to determine if someone is meant to be a part of your life. Safe people encourage you to see the bigger picture, and their excitement for life might be as contagious as it is challenging. In order to grow and heal, we must go through these challenging times to break through the cycle of the past.

People Who Respect Your Point of View, Even When They Disagree

Conflict and disagreement are a natural part of a healthy adult life, though for some, this is the area that contains the most bitter memories from past trauma. Narcissistic parents and leaders, and abusive partners might have made you believe that you must agree with them if you want to keep the peace, but safe people will hear your voice.

They will not demand that you adopt their point of view or impose their values on you. They will respect your opinion if they disagree with you. Safe people will have open hearts and minds to your point of view, and may even take some of your suggestions to navigate certain situations from your perspective.

People Who Give You Space to Express Yourself

One of the most common ways people are traumatized is by being controlled or policed by a spouse, partner, parent, friend, or employer. This includes gaslighting, manipulation, or causing you to feel as if you have no room to be honest without it turning into conflict. If you have ever felt like you had to censor your opinion or walk on eggshells around someone you were close to, you were likely the target of abusive narcissism.

Safe people give you space to be honest and don’t react explosively. They recognize your right as an individual to feel the way you feel and to have the opinions you have. Even during conflict or confrontation, they will not undermine or belittle you. Their healthy response may even be difficult to get used to; however, this is the first step in a breakthrough. As you continue to receive these responses, the “normal” that once was will be no more.

People Who Take Accountability for Their Actions and Apologize for Wrongdoing

Everyone messes up from time to time, and even our closest friends hurt us, sometimes intentionally. The closer we get to others, the more we risk hurting them and being hurt by them.

Safe people are quick to acknowledge that they have caused harm, having no problem being held accountable for it. They will also work hard to mend the wrong they did and apologize in whatever way feels most appropriate. If you have only ever experienced narcissists and abusers constantly making you feel like the guilty party, this will be a healing balm for you.

People Who See You and Celebrate Your Uniqueness

Safe people see you, understand you, and champion you, despite your flaws and because of your oddities. They might even see things in you that you never knew were there. When you spend time together, you will feel at ease, maybe for the first time in a long time.

They are not looking to exploit you, and they have no ulterior motives. They simply enjoy who you are and want you to feel appreciated. You were fearfully and wonderfully made; safe people will celebrate you for just being you.

Let the Right One In

One of the most challenging aspects of healing from trauma is learning to trust others again, but this is where healing takes place. Everyone needs to know that there is someone who will value them, understand them, and give them space to be their authentic selves. For some, this will be an entirely new experience. It might take a while to realize how much healthier the connection is than any they’ve had so far.

Healing takes time, and it doesn’t happen in the blink of an eye. If you are uncertain where to start, reach out to our offices today. We can make an appointment with a counselor from our practice who will unpack some of your experiences. Begin your healing journey today.