What Goes On Behind the Scenes With Your ADHD Friends

It can be hard to know what is happening with your ADHD friends when all you can learn about them is information you collect from their habits and behavior. If it’s hard for a neurotypical person to understand the mind of a person with ADHD, know that it is often as difficult for a neurodiverse person to understand themselves.

Though their actions might read a certain way to you, there is often a lot more going on behind the scenes, and things aren’t always as they appear to be. It can take a lot of patience and understanding to get to know someone with ADHD, but they are worth the effort.

A Whole New World

Getting diagnosed with ADHD as an adult can be an incredibly complex thing. Some people feel justified or even relieved with their diagnosis. They might have always felt different or had struggles that none of their friends seemed to share. For them, being diagnosed can feel like being given a second chance to get things right, and they might throw themselves into learning more about the disorder.

For others, however, being diagnosed with ADHD is an overwhelming and concerning thing. Many people have struggled with the various aspects of having a neurodevelopmental disorder their whole lives, and now they struggle to learn how to cope. It’s an exhausting and intimidating prospect.

Being friends with one with ADHD means taking the time to educate yourself on the disorder and not expecting them to help you learn about ADHD. It also means having to calibrate your understanding of them as an individual.

They might have habits, characteristics, or attitudes that are consistent with neurodiversity, but they are perceived differently by someone who is neurotypical. Before you confront them with your frustration or question them on what you perceive to be callous behavior, put yourself in their shoes for a bit.

What Goes on Behind the Scenes

Getting to know anyone on a deeper level is difficult because everyone wears some kind of mask. It feels vulnerable, and people risk facing rejection when they feel like their flaws are visible. What makes someone with ADHD difficult to know, and in some cases difficult to diagnose, is that many of them have spent decades of their lives trying to act and appear as they perceive as normal.

You might even be surprised to learn that someone has ADHD. Many with ADHD exhibit the same or similar tendencies, and here’s what they look like to you versus what is going on behind the scenes with them:

They’re forgetful, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care

There are three types of ADHD: inattentive, hyperactive, and impulsive. There can also be a combination of these types.

If they are inattentive, they have trouble organizing their thoughts, staying focused, and remembering things. If they are hyperactive, they might have trouble breaking focus, they tend to have an excess of energy and wildly unpredictable emotions, and be prone to being spontaneous or erratic. If they are impulsive, they can make quick decisions without thinking things through. Everyone with ADHD tends to struggle with remembering details, big and small.

They might regularly forget things you’ve told them, plans you’ve made that involve them, or even important information that is relevant to your friendship. It might sting each time they forget something important, but they truly didn’t mean to hurt you. Someone with ADHD quite literally has different brain chemistry from neurotypical people, and try as they might, they can’t simply change their ways to avoid hurting their friends.

You can help by providing simple reminders for them and having conversations about the importance of communication. You could also offer to help them with creative ways of remembering things and staying organized. This is an opportunity to enrich and deepen your friendship by providing practical support to your loved ones with ADHD.

They have rejection sensitivity, which makes them come across as intense

Almost every neurodiverse person struggles with something called RSD or Rejection-Sensitivity Disorder. This is an aspect of the larger diagnosis in which your friend experiences intense shame and anxiety regarding various things. They might become clingy and intense at times, or emotionally pull away at others. Rejection sensitivity can be an exhausting thing to deal with, both for you and your ADHD friend.

When you send a message but don’t get a response for days, it’s generally because they’ve forgotten to reply. When you ignore one of their texts, however, they have an emotional meltdown. These are the nuances of ADHD.

You can help with gentle and affirming communication. Gently remind them about their rejection sensitivity, and confirm that you didn’t mean to cancel plans or forget to reply to them. You are human too, and life happens. Be ready to provide lots of gentle affirmation.

They might drop off the map, but they have a good reason

It’s exhausting work to mask your behavior, especially to someone whose nervous system is constantly working overtime. A person with ADHD tends to go nonverbal or to pull away completely from time to time. You might assume that their rejection sensitivity has flared up again, or that they have forgotten about the plans you made, when in fact they are simply overstimulated and need a break.

You can help by checking in on them and asking how they are. It might help to develop a private code between you two, so that you can simply ask them something like, “Forgotten?” “RSD? or “Need a timeout?” and they can easily respond with what is going on. Give them some space, and prove to them that you will still be there when they are ready to rejoin the world again.

They might be prone to “trauma dumping”, but that comes with consequences for them

You might have noticed a pattern with your friend with ADHD that goes something like this: they share to an alarmingly honest depth, and then pull away and go radio silent for a while. You have probably chalked this down to their erratic behavior, or you might assume they are overwhelmed once again, but there may be more going on.

Many with ADHD keep things locked inside themselves because they are masking or fearful of rejection. When they find a safe place to open up, all the things they’ve kept inside come tumbling out. Almost every person with ADHD is prone to overthinking. After a session where it felt like they overshared, they might withdraw for fear of saying anything they shouldn’t.

Your job as their friend is to show them that they are in a safe place to open up. To avoid moments where they overshare or feel ashamed, try making time to mutually share what has been going on recently. By keeping a regular sharing time and matching their vulnerability with your own, you will ensure that they don’t feel bad for being honest.

Connecting the Unseen Dots

A person with ADHD can have quirks that are confusing, alarming, and often amusing. One thing they are known to do is called “porpoising” or “dolphining”. This is where they drop out of a group conversation for a while (like a dolphin diving beneath the waves), only to reemerge a short time later with a comment or question that is unrelated to anything the group is discussing.

Their ADHD brains have gone on a private journey of related-yet-tangential content. This leads to a statement that seems random because no one else has seen the connection that has happened beneath the waves of conversation.

Being friends with a person with ADHD means learning new things about them, adjusting your expectations of them, and being patient as you support them. It’s not always easy, but it is an opportunity for you to grow and adapt as an individual. There is always something happening behind the scenes in most people’s lives, and it always pays to be patient with what you don’t understand.

Learning More

There might come a time when you feel as if you need backup as you support your loved ones with ADHD. You could meet with a counselor to unpack your concerns, frustrations, or realizations about the disorder. Contact us, and we will connect you with someone who can help.